By: Telana Sladen
Love expert Pastor Phil Ayres explains the impact our words, tone of voice and body language have on the way we speak and show love to others.
Everyone Needs Kindness
Pastor Phil says everybody needs a little kindness.
“I know some people say they’re not a words person, but everyone needs to hear kindness in the words that we speak.”
“In other words, the words that I use in my relationships, I will bear the cost or the benefit in those relationships, depending on how I speak and the way that I use my words,” said Phil.
The Rudder of a Ship
Our culture has become casual, according to Pastor Phil. He observed that people don’t like too much formality or rigid control.
“In reality, the tongue, the words of your mouth, are like the rudder of a ship and they will steer the direction of your life.”
We can underestimate the impact of a rudder compared to the size of a ship.
“If we underestimate the power of our words, we can underestimate the impact that they can have.”
Elements of Influence
Pastor Phil said there are three elements to consider in any type of communication. And each of those has different elements of influence.
1. Content
2. Tone of Voice
3. Body Language
“The content we speak, has about 7% of influence on a conversation. The tone of your voice has 38% of the influence on the conversation and then the body language is 55%.”
Content & Tone of Voice
The content is the smallest component of what influences the outcome, but still essential.
“Our words are important, but our tone is massive.”
When I use a tone that’s sharp, sarcastic, or I raise my volume, that’s interpreted as a threat. Whereas when I’m calm and when I’m respectful in that tone, it actually helps that other person that I’m engaging with feel safe and continue engagement.”
Phil spoke of his personal experience with tone of voice.
“I know that my wife and I, when we are engaging each other and it’s heated, the tone of voice is everything to actually whether that gets too heated or whether we calm down and we process.”
He said that it can become a trigger in how people react towards each other.
Body Language
Body language, such as rolling your eyes, turning your back or becoming indifferent in the way you project towards that person, can be really detrimental to any effective communication.
Emotional Flooding
When a person is overwhelmed in the moment, it is common to be flooded with anger or frustration.
“The biblical framework to be able to overcome the challenge of dealing with that is to slow down. That’s fundamentally, if you’re going to really get a control of any anger or emotional triggers, the key biblical framework is to slow down,” said Phil.
‘My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.’ James 1:19
“Let your ears do the work and let your mouth stay quiet,” said Phil. He said the definition of slow in this case means to pause and make wait.
“So, if we’re going to address the issues that we’re dealing with and manage the tone of our voice and then the responses we give, if we want our relationship to be safe and not to allow emotional flooding.”
Certain people may have experienced negative forms of communication in their childhood. Phil implores those in a relationship to be responsible for managing emotions and allowing slow responses as a form of self-control.
“You are still responsible for managing yourself and allowing that to calm down and then breathe and you can take breaths, you can pause, you can walk away for a moment, you can ask for time out, all sorts of things.
Bite Your Tongue
“You can bite your tongue, which is what my mum said to me, if you want to say something negative, bite your tongue.”
Phil has been known to actually hold his tongue and it can defuse the heat of the moment.
“Because it’s really hard to say something serious when you’ve got to hold your tongue. Then try to speak… it’s the weirdest, strangest thing, and everyone starts laughing.
Fix The Relationship Before You Solve the Problem
Phil explained the importance of asking forgiveness from the person you are speaking to, rather than fixating on solving the problem.
“Always come back and pause on the conversation what you’re trying to get through and ask forgiveness of the person you’ve hurt and allow them the emotional time.”
Once peace has been restored, couples can resume the conversation and start working towards a solution.
“The moment it turns from the issue to the person and you’re targeting their character or some sort of question of who they are, you’ve actually moved completely away from the conversation. So you’ve already lost your way.”
He encouraged people to heal that situation and try not to further the conversation.
“The worst thing is when you’re angry and you’ve hurt each other and you’ve lost your way and then you’re still trying to sort out the problem. Pause. Everyone pause and give yourself a break.”
Reflection
For anyone struggling in this area, Pastor Phil encouraged asking the questions:
- Is this building my relationship or tearing it down?
- Is it helping me build the relationship or working in the opposite direction?
“We need to consider that, and if we want great relationships… Let our words bring life.”
Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.
Feature image: Canva
