Why a 5-minute task can feel impossible

I recently had the privilege of attending a workshop on supporting parents of children with ADHD, run by the fantastic Dr Maddi Derrick MAPS. It brought together many concepts and ideas about supporting children and their families that I have been building knowledge on for a long time, and translated them into clear and practical language. Interestingly, I have found many of these ideas applying well beyond ADHD and parenting contexts.

The concepts of executive functioning having a “capacity” and tasks having both visible and invisible “demands” seem foundational, yet they are incredibly important as we consider our own limitations and the judgements we often make about ourselves and others. These ideas can help us proactively set ourselves—and those around us—up for success, while moving away from simply attributing difficulties to “a lack of effort or ability”.

Capacity

What do I mean by capacity? Let’s start with this idea, no matter how much we might want our concentration, emotion regulation and energy to be limitless, they are not. We are finite beings with finite resources. In this context, capacity refers to our self-regulatory ability to function in prompting motivation, maintaining concentration, problem solving, regulating our emotions, and other executive functioning roles. 

Importantly, capacity is not fixed. It fluctuates from day to day and even hour to hour. Poor sleep, illness, stress, grief, anxiety, sensory overload, parenting demands, relationship difficulties and major life transitions can all reduce the resources we have available.

This is often where people become frustrated with themselves. We compare today’s performance to a day when we had greater resources available and conclude that we are lazy, unmotivated or failing. In reality, we may simply be attempting to meet the same demands with significantly less available capacity.

Supporting Capacity

While we cannot create unlimited capacity, there are many ways we can support and protect the capacity we do have. Some examples include:

• Prioritising adequate sleep and rest.
• Taking regular breaks before reaching exhaustion.
• Building routines that reduce decision fatigue.
• Managing stress through movement, mindfulness or social connection.
• Using reminders, calendars, other people and systems to reduce the amount we need to hold in our minds.
• Recognising when our resources are running low and adjusting expectations accordingly.

Rather than asking, “Why can’t I do this?”, it can sometimes be more helpful to ask, “What is my capacity like right now?”

Task(s) Demand

The demands of a task are perhaps more obvious. They include all the requirements and components that draw upon our capacity. However, this also includes the thinking, emotional responses, associations and other internal processes that accompany a task.

For example, if I were asked to build a table, some of the demands would be reading the manual, gathering the tools and physically assembling the pieces. But there are also less visible demands: remembering where the tools are, estimating how long the task will take, tolerating frustration when something does not fit together and trying not to think about my less-than-stellar track record in woodwork at school!

The same principle applies to everyday tasks. Sending an email may involve deciding what to say, remembering previous conversations, worrying about how it will be received and overcoming the urge to continue your current, more interesting task. The visible task is often only part of the story. In reality, when we start to compare our capacity to the demands that we need to undertake, it is usually to a number, collection or lists of different tasks with different demands across a period of class; afternoon of work or whole day. 

Demand Awareness

A helpful skill we can develop is learning to identify the hidden demands attached to a task.

When people say, “I know it’s only a five-minute job, so why can’t I do it?”, there is often an assumption that the visible task is the entire task. Once we unpack it, we frequently discover multiple additional demands competing for the same limited resources.

For example, booking a medical appointment might involve:

• Stopping your favourite relaxing task
• Finding the phone number
• Calling during business hours
• Managing anxiety about making the call
• Remembering relevant information
• Rearranging work or family commitments

What appears simple from the outside may actually draw upon a range of executive functioning skills. [It makes more sense now why I put off seeing the Dentist!]

Developing awareness of these hidden demands can be surprisingly powerful. It helps explain why some tasks feel disproportionately difficult and can reduce our tendency to understand these as personal failings.

Reducing Demands

If capacity and demands interact, there are generally two ways to improve the likelihood of success: support capacity or reduce demands.

Reducing demands is not “taking the easy way out”-  It can be a more sustainable and effective form of moving towards our goals.

Some general examples of this could look like:

• Breaking large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps.
• Preparing materials ahead of time.
• Using visual reminders, checklists or templates.
• Completing challenging tasks during times of higher energy.
• Delegating or sharing parts of a task where possible.
• Reducing distractions in the environment. 
• Allowing “good enough” rather than striving for perfection.

It’s not just completing one task that can benefit from this type of thinking, but also maintaining capacity for other demands in the day.

Bringing it Together

Many of us have been taught to explain success or failure primarily by effort. Sometimes the solution is not to try harder. Sometimes it is making adjustments that better match the resources we have available.

Whether we are supporting a child, partner, colleague or ourselves, it can be helpful to ask two simple questions:

1. What is the current available capacity?
2. What are the visible and invisible demands of this task?

These questions often lead us away from judgement and towards understanding. More importantly, they help us identify practical changes that can make success more likely.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

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Motherhood changes far more than the daily routine. The good news is, you’re not losing yourself, you’re becoming someone new.

I recently came across the concept of matrescence, and it is a framework I wish more women and mothers knew about.

Matrescence refers to the profound transformation a woman undergoes as she enters and moves through motherhood. Just as adolescence describes the developmental transition from childhood to adulthood, matrescence describes the transition into motherhood. (The equivalent term sometimes used for fathers is patrescence.)

There is a saying that when a baby is born, so too is a mother. Scientific research suggests there is truth to this idea. Pregnancy, birth and early parenthood involve significant biological, psychological, social and relational changes. Motherhood is not simply something a woman does—it is also a process of becoming a mother.

Perinatal psychiatrists Edna Lekgabe and Alexandra Sacks have helped bring attention to this concept, describing motherhood as a developmental stage that deserves the same understanding and support we offer other major life transitions.

Three Things Worth Knowing About Matrescence

1. Matrescence is a developmental earthquake

Matrescence is a period of intense and often simultaneous change. Hormones shift, sleep patterns change, relationships evolve, priorities are re-evaluated, and a woman’s sense of identity may be challenged and reshaped.

For many women, motherhood represents one of the most significant transitions of adult life.

The comparison to adolescence can be helpful. During adolescence, we expect young people to experience emotional, physical and social upheaval as they grow into a new version of themselves. We recognise that this process can be messy and difficult. Matrescence invites us to extend that same understanding and compassion to mothers.

Rather than expecting women to “bounce back” to their old selves after having a baby, matrescence acknowledges that they are undergoing a profound developmental transition.

2. Motherhood often involves a push-pull between your old self and your new self

One of the most challenging aspects of matrescence is the tension between competing needs and identities.

As a mother adapts to caring for a baby, her attention is naturally drawn toward meeting the baby’s needs. At the same time, parts of her pre-parenthood identity remain present—the desire for rest, autonomy, hobbies, exercise, friendships, career fulfilment, and personal freedom.

Many mothers experience guilt or confusion when they simultaneously love their baby deeply and miss aspects of their previous life. Yet these seemingly conflicting feelings are not signs of failure. They are a normal part of adapting to a new role.

Matrescence helps explain why motherhood can feel both deeply meaningful and deeply challenging at the same time.

3. “Baby brain” may reflect adaptation rather than decline

Many mothers describe increased forgetfulness, mental fogginess or difficulty concentrating during pregnancy and early parenthood.

Research has found measurable changes in the maternal brain that appear to reflect the brain rewiring and pruning itself to focus on caregiving, developing attachment and being responsive to a baby’s needs. These studies suggest that these changes may help mothers become more attuned to social and emotional cues, particularly those related to their child.

While many women jokingly refer to the forgetfulness and word-finding difficulties as “baby brain,” this label can overlook the amazing work the brain is doing during this period. Although the cognitive changes can feel frustrating, research is suggesting that they are part of a complex process of neurological adaptation and not a loss of ability.

Looking After Yourself During Matrescence

While matrescence is a normal developmental process, it can also be emotionally demanding. Giving yourself language to describe what is happening can help you approach this season with greater self-compassion.

1. Give yourself permission to adjust

Many women derive a sense of identity, competence and achievement from work, study or other pursuits. Maternity leave can represent a significant shift away from these sources of validation and towards the largely relational work of caring for a baby.

It is normal to miss aspects of your previous life. It is normal to grieve certain freedoms while also feeling grateful for your child.

You may never return to exactly who you were before becoming a parent, and that is not necessarily a loss. Over time, many women develop a new sense of self that combines both who they were and who they are becoming.

2. Make room for mixed emotions

Parenthood often contains seemingly contradictory experiences: joy and exhaustion, gratitude and frustration, connection and loneliness.

Rather than judging these emotions, it can be helpful to make space for contradictory feelings. Ambivalence is not evidence that something is wrong. It is completely normal in the adjustment to the complexity of parenthood.

3. Rebuild important needs intentionally

The demands of caring for young children can leave some emotional needs feeling neglected. Consider which needs have become harder to meet in this season and look for small, realistic ways to nurture them.

For example:

• Need for mastery: Start a small project that provides a sense of accomplishment.
• Need for intellectual stimulation: Listen to podcasts, read books, or complete a short course on a topic that interests you.
• Need for relational connection: Seek opportunities for meaningful conversations with other adults that extend beyond discussions about children.
• Need for autonomy: Identify small moments during the week where you can make choices based on your own preferences and interests.
• Need for rest and restoration: Accept support where possible and prioritise recovery without guilt.

A Final Thought

Matrescence reminds us that motherhood is not simply about raising a child, it is also about the emergence of a new version of yourself.

If you, or someone you know, are finding this transition difficult, it does not mean you are doing motherhood poorly. It may simply mean you are in the midst of one of life’s most significant developmental changes.

It’s also important to remember that while matrescence is a normal process, persistent symptoms of anxiety, depression, trauma or emotional distress are not something you need to manage alone. Seeking support from a health professional can make a meaningful difference during this season of adjustment.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Lauren Chee is a psychologist who understands the importance of forming a caring therapeutic relationship with her clients, and uses evidence-based skills that can lead to positive and lasting change. She has a special interest in anxiety-related disorders, OCD, social skills, parenting and attachment, child mental health and learning difficulties.

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Must we be endlessly available, universally liked, and perpetually busy?

We live in a culture that deeply romanticizes exhaustion. We are taught that to be a “good” person—a good partner, parent, friend, or colleague—we must be endlessly available, universally liked, and perpetually busy.

But there is a radical paradox at the heart of human well-being: the choices that feel the most selfish on the surface are often the most generous things we can do for the world. When we look closely at emotional health and sustainable living, we find that real resilience requires us to embrace a few beautiful, counter-intuitive truths.

Paradox #1. Boundary Drawing is Not Selfish, It is Loving

We often avoid setting boundaries because we fear looking cold or withholding, stretching ourselves thin to keep the peace. However, unsustainable enmeshment in relationships inevitably leads to resentment and eventual rupture. Whether it is navigating a relationship with a domineering parent, a friend who constantly takes without giving, or an entitled grown-up child, feeling that your emotions and thoughts are not respected is a recipe for burnout.

In order to remain genuinely connected to the people in your life, you have to make the dynamic sustainable for yourself. Boundary drawing isn’t a wall to shut people out; it is a clear map that defines where you end and they begin, preserving the relationship by preventing the slow burn of hidden frustration.

It is ultimately far more loving to offer an honest, compassionate “No” that protects the bond than a resentful, exhausted “Yes” that quietly erodes it. Clear boundaries eliminate guesswork, allowing you to show up with genuine presence rather than out of a sense of draining obligation. By protecting your own emotional capacity, you ensure that the time and care you do give are authentic, resilient, and built to last.

Paradox #2. Detaching From Others’ Reactions Empowers You to Care Deeper

It sounds noble to absorb everyone’s emotional weather and care deeply about their immediate opinion of you, but people-pleasing is an act of emotional survival rather than genuine connection. When your primary focus is managing how others perceive you or personalizing their unpredictable moods, your energy is entirely consumed by anxiety and internal performance.

Ironically, refusing to personalize others’ emotions frees you up to care for them with far more depth. When you stop treating people as judges to be impressed or problems to be fixed, you clear out the mental noise and can finally see them as human beings to be heard.

Furthermore, if your self-worth is not tied to their immediate emotional state, you can handle their heavy emotions, disappointments, or conflicts without collapsing, overreacting, or getting defensive. Detaching from their approval isn’t about becoming callous; it is about becoming a steady, anchored presence. You are able to love people for who they are in that moment, precisely because you aren’t waiting for them to validate you or fix your own anxiety.

Paradox #3. Resting is Not Lazy, It is the Ultimate Efficiency

We tend to view rest as a luxury or a reward for hard work, something we are only allowed to do once an impossible to-do list hits zero. However, the human brain and nervous system do not operate on a linear scale, and constant grinding quickly yields diminishing returns that lead to foggy thinking, critical mistakes, and emotional volatility. True rest is not a waste of time; it is incubation. Stepping away from the desk or taking a weekend to completely unplug is the very mechanism that sharpens your focus, sparks creativity, and prevents the catastrophic downtime of full burnout.

When you rest, your brain actively processes information, consolidates memory, and regulates stress hormones. True efficiency isn’t about how many consecutive hours you log; it’s about the quality of energy you bring to those hours. Ultimately, rest is not the absence of productivity, but the essential biological framework that makes sustainable productivity possible in the first place.

Paradox #4. Acknowledging Your Vulnerability Makes You Deeper and Safer

We often hide our struggles or assume that admitting we don’t have it all together makes us look weak, incompetent, or fragile. In reality, relentless perfectionism creates emotional distance and signals to others that flaws are unacceptable, while vulnerability creates genuine safety and connection.

When you drop the exhausting act of having everything figured out and honestly acknowledge your human limits, you break down walls and give the people around you permission to drop their heavy armor too. This shared authenticity transforms relationships from superficial performances into deep, resilient bonds, ultimately making you a much safer, more grounded, and trustworthy presence for your family, friends, or colleagues.

Paradox #5. Lowering Your Immediate Standards Often Raises Your Long-Term Impact

The cultural belief that you must give 110% to every single task, every single day, is a direct recipe for mediocrity and burnout. Giving maximum effort to everything means you are scattering your focus and giving nothing your true genius. Embracing “strategic under-achievement”—deliberately choosing to let low-stakes, non-essential balls drop, such as maintaining an immaculate house or instantly responding to every casual email—is not about failing, but about prioritizing.

By intentionally lowering your standards on things that matter less, you actively preserve the deep psychological and physical energy reserves required to hit a home run on the few high-stakes goals that truly define your long-term legacy and impact.

Conclusion: Let’s Fill the Cup First

Ultimately, every single one of these counter-intuitive shifts points to a singular, unyielding truth: you cannot give what you do not have. We have been conditioned to believe that self-sacrifice is the ultimate measure of love and efficiency, but trying to pour from an empty cup is a biological and emotional impossibility. When we refuse to rest, protect our boundaries, or detach from external validation, we aren’t actually giving more to the world—we are simply offering it the bitter, exhausted residue of our resentment and fatigue.

Looking after yourself first is not a luxury, nor is it a detour from your responsibilities; it is the absolute prerequisite for them. If your goal is to love deeply, care authentically, and make a meaningful, long-term impact on the people around you, then protecting your own mental and physical well-being is the most radical, effective, and loving act of service you can perform.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Jennifer Chu is a psychologist who is passionate about therapy, experienced in a range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, social adjustment issues, stress management, and cross-cultural issues and more.

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If humans are wired for connection, why do relationships often feel like hard work or confusing?

Many clients have shared some version of this question with me. They notice themselves pulling away from people they care about, overthinking simple interactions, not feeling fully satisfied by relationships, or feeling flat or disconnected in moments that “should” feel warm. Sometimes we have a longing for closeness but no clear sense of how to move toward it. At other times, even the idea of connection feels really overwhelming, as if we’re not quite sure we have the energy required, or if it’s really what we want.

It’s easy then, in these moments, to draw critical conclusions: “I’m not good at relationships”, “I don’t really need people”, or “People don’t care about me.”

But what if the difficulty connecting isn’t about a lack of desire or motivation for building connection?

What if it has more to do with losing touch with the underlying system that helps us find our way toward it?

We Are Wired for Connection

Connection is not a preference or personality trait. It’s a fundamental biological human need.

Decades of research in attachment theory, developmental psychology, and neuroscience point to the same conclusion that human beings are regulated through relationships. For example, infants cannot stabilise their own nervous systems without a caregiver’s presence. Their heart rate, skin temperature, stress response, and emotional states are shaped through repeated interactions with another mind and body.

This need doesn’t just disappear in adulthood. Studies on co-regulation show that even as adults, our physiology, like our heart rate variability, stress hormones, and emotional arousal, continues to be influenced by safe, attuned contingent connection with others.

In this way, the pull toward connection is already built into our biological system. And yet, knowing we have the need for something doesn’t necessarily mean we know how to meet the need!

Feelings as a Kind of Compass

One way to understand this gap between knowing about a need and meeting it, is to look more closely at the role of feelings.

In affective neuroscience, feelings are not seen as vague, unimportant or “soft” experiences. They are understood to have been generated by evolutionarily old brain systems that track how well our needs are being met. Researchers like Jaak Panksepp and, more recently, Mark Solms, have described core affective systems (such as SEEKING, CARE, PANIC/GRIEF) in the brain that organise behaviour around survival and connection.

From this perspective, feelings function as a kind of special internal guidance system. Feelings signal when something matters, when something is missing, when something feels safe, or when something feels off.  In this way, help orient us toward what we might need and tell us if we are doing a good enough job of meeting that need.

For example, a sense of warmth might draw us closer. A flicker of discomfort might invite caution. A feeling of loneliness may nudge us toward reaching out.

When we are in contact with these feeling signals, connection is not something we have to think our way into, as we already have the map.

When Guidance Gets Disrupted

For many people, however, this internal system might not feel very clear or accessible.

Sometimes feelings are too intense. The nervous system can then become flooded or hyper-aroused, making closeness feel overwhelming or unsafe. In response, the system might have learned to downregulate too quickly (avoidance, shutting down, detaching).

At other times, feelings are muted or distant. There is reduced access to interoceptive signals or uncertainty about not really knowing what you feel. Without these signals, it becomes really difficult to know what we want, never mind how to move toward it.

There can also be misinterpretation. A surge of physiological arousal (like a racing heart, tight chest, or nausea) may be interpreted as danger, rather than as longing, excitement, or vulnerability. The body signals that something is important, but the mind categorises it as threat without exploring further.

And often, there is an internal conflict. The same person may activate both approach (seeking closeness) and avoidance (protecting from overwhelm), leading to a sense of push-pull; being drawn in and pushed away at the same time.

These patterns are not random flaws. They are learned adaptations to difficult and confusing experiences. The nervous system then over time simplifies our responses about how much feeling is tolerable, how it is interpreted, and whether it is safe to act on.

When Connection Becomes Something You Have to Figure Out

If feelings are what guide us toward connection, what happens when we can’t access or trust them?

Connection then starts to shift from something intuitively meaningful into something effortful or confusing.

Instead of sensing our way to meet the need, we try to over-think our way forward:

• Am I being too much?
• Do they actually want to hear from me?
• If I express this need will I be rejected?

Cognitive control steps in where this feeling guidance system is offline or uncertain. Interactions and connection can then become overanalysed or avoided altogether. Closeness may feel like something to manage carefully, rather than something to move into naturally.

Without access to our internal signals, connection becomes something we try to figure out like a tricky maths problem, rather than something we can feel our way into more organically.

The Misunderstanding

Sometimes, this can look like disinterest, detachment, or low capacity. But more often, it suggests a disruption in the feeling system that helps us recognise and respond to our own needs.

The longing for connection may still be there but the path toward it feels unclear.

So when we think something like “I don’t need people”, it’s more likely something closer to “I don’t know how to find my way to them from here.”

Relearning the Language of Feeling

If this is true, then the work is not about forcing connection by following set rules or ‘performing’ it more effectively. It is actually about slowly re-establishing contact with the internal signals that make connection possible.

This begins in very small ways:

• increasing awareness of bodily states (interoceptive awareness)
• naming emotional states, even when they seem vague (shown to improve emotional regulation)
• gradually expanding tolerance for feelings, rather than immediately avoiding or overriding them

For some, this process involves learning to stay with feelings that once felt overwhelming for just a little bit longer. For others, it might be discovering feelings that have long been out of reach.

This is about developing a different kind of relationship with one’s own internal world that is curious, patient, and gradually more trusting. And unfortunately, there is no quick fix method!

Finding a Way Back

In order to meet our inherent needs for connection then, it seems to require a rebuilding of trust in the internal system that helps us recognise what we feel, what we need, and what draws us toward others effectively.

The difficulty, then, is not that connection is unnatural or that we don’t need other people. It’s that, at one time or another, we all lose access to the very signals that help us find our way. And often, the path back to others begins with first feeling our way back into ourselves.

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Decision-making is not only guided by practical considerations but also by our values, spiritual beliefs, and cultural background.

Making decisions about our lives can be difficult. Whether it’s choosing a university, a career path, or a life partner, these important life decisions often come with uncertainty and pressure.

For many of us, decision-making is not only guided by practical considerations but also by our values, spiritual beliefs, and cultural background. We often reflect on whether our choices align with what we believe and whether they will be supported by our community.

Because of these intersecting factors, decision-making can become complex. You may have heard of the term analysis paralysis, the feeling of being stuck and unable to move forward due to fear of making the wrong choice. Often, this happens when a nagging inner voice begins to erode the confidence we once had in our decision.

When this happens, it can be helpful to keep a few key ideas in mind to ease the pressure and support clearer, more confident decision-making.

Not Every Decision Has to Be Perfect the First Time

It’s easy to feel that important life decisions must be perfect from the start. However, adjusting to a more realistic expectation- sometimes we will get it right the first time and sometimes we won’t- can relieve the pressure that keeps us stuck.

Important decisions can feel final, as though once we choose a path, we must stay on it forever. In reality, life often involves adapting, learning, and re-evaluating along the way. Some of the most meaningful lessons come through experience, including situations that don’t go as planned.

For example, someone might begin a university course and later realise their interests lie elsewhere. A person may enter a job and discover it doesn’t align with their skills or passions. Rather than feeling obliged to continue, we can choose a path that better fits the direction we want our lives to take.

Seeking Wise Counsel in Decision-Making

Decision-making doesn’t have to happen in isolation. Speaking with others can provide valuable insight, clarity, and support.

Many people find it helpful to seek guidance from trusted individuals such as friends, family members, mentors, or someone within their faith or spiritual community. These conversations can help us reflect on our values, explore different perspectives, and feel less alone in the process.

Seeking wise counsel is a powerful way to make more informed and balanced life decisions.

Moving Forward with Self-Compassion

Starting again is often part of life’s journey. Across cultures and spiritual traditions, there are many stories of individuals who faced setbacks, uncertainty, or mistakes before finding their way forward.

Recognising that challenges are a normal part of life can help us approach decision-making with greater self-compassion and openness. Instead of being overly critical of ourselves, we can learn to respond with patience and understanding.

Holding onto our values or faith, while also extending compassion toward ourselves, creates space to move forward with greater confidence and peace.

The next time you find yourself at an important life crossroads, remember to offer yourself the same compassion you would offer to others. Decision-making is not about getting everything perfect, it’s about learning, growing, and moving forward with intention.

The Centre for Effective Living is an award-winning Psychology and Well-Being practice serving the Upper North Shore of Sydney.

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How to wrestle with the questions that come when your role in a ministry changes.

Ministry work involves many different transitions. These include leaving a role, starting a new one, transitioning to a new church, or even moving overseas. For many people, these ministry changes may be exciting and planned, but for others they may be unexpected and painful. Sometimes these transitions may have only a short period of time between them which can lead to limited space to reflect and process experiences. These times of change and adjustment can have many different emotional and spiritual realities.

As psychologists who work with many ministry and cross-cultural workers, we often see that many people find it helpful to debrief or reflect on these transitions with a trusted professional. This can help ministry workers and their families to identify and process conflicting emotions or identify unhealthy coping patterns that may be easy to overlook.

1. Transitions Often Involve Real Loss

Leaving a church family after many years of service is different to simply leaving a workplace. For ministry workers and their families, it not only involves leaving a job and colleagues, but also their church community, support network, familiar weekly rhythms, and often their home. The loss of a child’s friendships in a kids’ ministry, the connections formed in serving together, or the relationships formed in playgroups or bible studies are all examples of real losses. These losses are genuine experiences of grief and are often experienced all at once. This grief is the right response to years invested in relationships and community – even if the decision to leave is for positive reasons. For people leaving not of their own choice or for complex reasons, the grief and loss is often even more painful and hard to process.

2. Transitions Signify a Change to Identity

It is normal for many ministry workers to have some sense of their identity tied to a specific role or location, sometimes for decades at a time. When a time of change arrives, inherent to that change, is a loss of identity. This can often produce feelings of confusion, resentment, sadness, irritation, shame, apathy, vulnerability, and isolation. Many ministry workers may wrestle with personal, psychological, and spiritual questions such as:

• Who am I if I am not in this role?
• What does a healthy transition look like?
• What habits and patterns am I bringing into this new season?
• How can I be obedient to God when I’m leaving behind strained relationships?
• How do I understand who I am in light of the hurt I have experienced in this role?
• How do I move forward with fear about starting the next chapter?
• Is my relationship with God reliant on being involved in a particular ministry?

These questions are all understandable and valid given seasons of change; however, it is helpful to make time to process and reflect on them to gain acceptance and closure.

3. Transitions and the ‘In-Between’ Can Create Anxiety

The period between leaving one role and starting another can create stress and anxiety for ministry workers and their families. There may be uncertainties regarding education, employment, finances, housing, schooling, children, and support structures. It is important to remember that fear in these situations is not from a lack of faith but an appropriate response to ambiguity and uncertainty. Providing space and room to feel all emotions with curiosity and without judgment can help during this period.

4. Transitions Require Intentional Care

Intentional space and support can often help ministry changes. Making space can sometimes feel difficult with all the complexity of securing housing and employment, starting new roles, adjusting to a new city and building another support network from scratch. However, without meaningfully processing and reflecting on the previous experience, there will often be ways that it shows up unhelpfully in the new setting. Reflective journalling, giving significant time to rest, debriefing with mentors, and seeking out support from a psychologist are all healthy ways to seek a dedicated space to grow and heal. This can proactively help to prevent further mental health deteriorating at a later time. 

Conclusion

Ministry transitions involve real loss, can change our sense of identity, may create anxiety and require intentional care. These realities reflect just how significant and life-changing ministry work can be, but also the unique risks to psychological wellbeing. During a period of transition as a ministry worker or a family member of a ministry worker, taking intentional steps to care for your wellbeing, whether through rest, prayer or connecting with a therapist, can help you move forward with greater clarity.

The Centre for Effective Living is an award-winning Psychology and Well-Being practice serving the Upper North Shore of Sydney.

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Depression doesn’t always appear like a crisis. Sometimes it’s quieter, longer-lasting, and easier to overlook.

Persistent Depressive Disorder, which has also previously been termed “dysthymia”, is a form of depression that can affect individuals for years—often without them realizing that what they’re experiencing a mental health condition. 

What is Persistent Depressive Disorder? 

Persistent Depressive Disorder is characterized by a depressed mood and that has been present for most of the day, more than 50% of days, for at least two years in adults (one year in children and adolescents). Less symptoms being present making this appear less acute compared to Major Depressive Disorder. However, the long-term nature of the presentation can have a significant impact on quality of life.

Symptoms of Persistent Depressive Disorder: [for diagnosis you require depressed mood and two of the other symptoms being present most of the day, more days than not]

• Chronically sad or “down”; 
• Low appetite or high appetite; 
• Low in energy or fatigued;
• Low in self-esteem;
• Poor concentration or decision making;
• Insomnia or hypersomnia;
• Experiencing changes in appetite.

Because these symptoms persist over such a long period, they can be misdiagnosed as part of someone’s personality rather than signs of a treatable condition.

Not “just a sad person”

Persistent Depressive Disorder is characterized by a depressed mood and that has been present for most of the day, more than 50% of days, for at least two years in adults (one year in children and adolescents). Less symptoms being present making this appear less acute compared to Major Depressive Disorder. However, the long-term nature of the presentation can have a significant impact on quality of life.

Symptoms of Persistent Depressive Disorder: [for diagnosis you require depressed mood and two of the other symptoms being present most of the day, more days than not]

• Chronically sad or “down”; 
• Low appetite or high appetite; 
• Low in energy or fatigued;
• Low in self-esteem;
• Poor concentration or decision making;
• Insomnia or hypersomnia;
• Experiencing changes in appetite.

Because these symptoms persist over such a long period, they can be misdiagnosed as part of someone’s personality rather than signs of a treatable condition.

Impact you may notice

Living with untreated persistent depressive disorder can affect on satisfaction and functioning in every domain of life. For example, close relationships may suffer due to irritability, withdrawal or difficulty experiencing joy in context-expected ways. It can also impact on career growth through reduced motivation and decision making. 

Perhaps most importantly, individuals with Persistent Depressive Disorder often stop expecting to feel better. This can lead to resignation which prevents them for seeking positive events or help with their feelings, reducing their quality of life and decreasing their motivation. 

What can help?

The encouraging news is that Persistent Depressive Disorder has been shown to respond to treatment. Therapy and medication both have evidence to support change in symptoms. Evidence-based approaches such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can help clients:

• Identify and challenge longstanding negative beliefs
• Build healthier coping strategies
• Improve communication and relationship skills
• Reconnect with activities that bring meaning and pleasure

Because PDD reflects long-term patterns, treatment may take time. However, small, gradual change of —improved energy, increased self-compassion, and a renewed sense of possibility– can make a big difference. 

Seeking Support? 

If you or someone you care about has felt persistently low, unmotivated, or hopeless for years—even while “functioning”—it may be worth speaking with a mental health professional about getting support. Depression does not have to be acute to deserve attention. 

If you feel like maybe you could be managing Persistent Depressive Disorder, reach out to a local mental health professional. 

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

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Most of us would rather do anything than sit with painful feelings. We scroll, snack, overthink, or keep busy, because sitting with sadness, anger, or shame can often feel unbearable.

Learning to stay present with emotions is one of the most powerful skills we can develop to support our mental health.

Why Sitting with Emotions is So Hard

As a psychologist, I see that much of my work involves supporting clients with emotional regulation. This simply means helping people build resilience and confidence in their ability to tolerate, understand, and manage big feelings without avoiding them. And it’s definitely not an easy skill to master!

Most of us don’t like sitting with difficult thoughts, feelings or sensations because they feel so uncomfortable. Over time, we develop elaborate strategies to avoid them, but ironically, these strategies often lead to even more difficult feelings later on.

Some common avoidance patterns include:

• Intellectualising or overthinking
• Comfort eating or overeating
• Oversleeping
• Staying constantly busy
• Doomscrolling or excessive screen time
• Focusing on helping others to avoid your own feelings

Why It’s Worth Learning to Stay Present

Avoidance gives temporary relief, but it distances us from our inner world and keeps us stuck. Learning to pause and notice our emotions allows us to process them safely, receive their underlying messages, and feel more grounded in ourselves.

When I say “sit with your emotions,” I mean this: when a strong feeling creeps up, pause. Name it. Sit quietly with it for a moment, acknowledging it with compassion and curiosity, rather than quickly sidestepping it. Emotions carry valuable information about our needs and values. Learning to stay present and track our feelings helps us listen to that wisdom directly.

How to Sit with Difficult Emotions

This isn’t about forcing yourself to feel bad or remaining in a state of pain for the sake of it. It’s about building trust in yourself to handle emotions safely, one small step at a time. Here are some gentle practices to get started:

1. Slow It Down

The urge to avoid strong feelings is often automatic. Slowing down and pausing helps us bring awareness to the feeling and the protective behaviour we may be tempted to use. This step often begins with finding a safe place – perhaps your bedroom, your car, or a calming spot in nature.

2. Name the Feeling

Sorting through mixed emotions can take practice, as we often feel more than one emotion at once. Naming them (“I feel sad and anxious”) helps you feel more grounded and reduces their intensity.

3. Notice It in Your Body

Grounding an emotion in bodily sensations helps you “sit with” it more fully. For example, frustration might show up as tension in the jaw, or sadness as heaviness in the chest. Try to support your body in staying regulated when a tough emotion shows up. This might be wrapping yourself with a warm blanket, sitting in the sun, or doing a short breathing exercise.

4. Find Expression

Giving emotions room to move can feel uncomfortable at first, but it often brings relief and even healing later on. This might look like crying, journaling, meditating, or simply sitting quietly with yourself.

5. Acknowledge with Compassion and Curiosity

Compassion and curiosity are superpowers when it comes to discomfort. Turning toward feelings with this mindset helps you understand your internal world rather than running from it. Emotions often point to unmet needs or values that you can redirect to once you’re feeling more regulated and resourced.

So, the next time a big emotion shows up and you feel the urge to distract yourself on your phone, rather try taking a pause. Give yourself a moment to really sit with your experience and listen to what it might be telling you. Even a few moments of pausing can help you feel more in tune with yourself.

Over time, sitting with emotions becomes less scary and more like a process of deepening self-awareness.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre For Effective Living

About the Author: Michelle Nortje (M.A. Clin Psych, B.Psych Hons, B.Ed.Psych Hons, BA) is focused on establishing a therapeutic relationship that is safe, trusting and supportive. Michelle aims to use integrated psychological tools and approaches in order to help her clients make sense of their difficulties, gain insight into their patterns of behaviour and relating, and work towards co-constructed and workable goals. She uses Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Positive Psychology, mindfulness-based approaches, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Attachment theories and psychodynamic theories in order to tailor the therapy to best suit the client’s needs.

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We’ve all heard it: we are currently living through a “loneliness pandemic.” It sounds heavy, and it feels heavy. Even if your phone is blowing up with notifications, it’s still possible to feel like you’re drifting on an island.

We talk to people every day who feel that quiet ache of isolation. Usually, the advice is to “call your mom” or “go on a date.” But there is a massive, underrated secret to feeling connected that doesn’t involve a three-hour heart-to-heart: The Power of Weak Ties.

What’s a “Weak Tie”?

In the 1970s, a sociologist named Mark Granovetter realized that our social lives aren’t just made of “BFFs” and “Family.” We also have “Weak Ties”—the people in the lobby, the dog park, or the office kitchen.

Think of your Weak Ties as your “Casual Cast of Characters”:

• The barista who knows  your “usual” coffee order.
• The neighbor who waves while you’re both struggling with grocery bags.
• That one person at the gym who always wears the cool leggings.
• The “work friend” you only talk to near the microwave.

They aren’t the people you’d call to help you move a couch at 6 AM, but they are the people who make you feel like you belong to the world.

The Surprising Value of Casual Conversation

You might think these 30-second interactions are “pointless,” but they are actually micro-doses of social caffeine. Here’s why they kick loneliness in the teeth:

1. The “I’m Not Invisible” Factor: A shared laugh with a stranger or a “Good morning!” from a neighbor reminds your brain that you exist and that you’re part of a community.
2. Expanding Your World: Our best friends usually agree with us. Weak ties are “bridges.” They introduce you to new music, different perspectives, and local news you’d never find in your own social circle.
3. The Low-Pressure Zone: If social anxiety feels heavy, these casual interactions are a safe, low-pressure way to build confidence, one “hello” at a time.
4. Community Vibes: When you’re a “regular” somewhere, you’re part of an ecosystem. It’s the difference between being a ghost in your city and being a neighbor.
5. They Create a “Social Safety Net”: There’s a concept called Social Capital. Having 50 weak ties means you have 50 sets of eyes and ears in your community. If you lose your dog, need a reliable mechanic, or want to know if the new Italian place is actually good, your weak ties are your best resource. Knowing you have a network to lean on—even for small things—makes the world feel like a friendlier, safer place.
6. They Fight “Ambient Loneliness”: You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely if you don’t feel part of the room. Weak ties turn “the public” into “my neighborhood.” When you recognize the mail carrier or the guy who walks the golden retriever, the physical space around you stops being a background and starts being a community. This shifts your mindset from “me against the world” to “me in the world.”

How to Collect “Weak Ties” (Without Being Weird)

You don’t need to be a social butterfly to do this. You just need to be 10% more present.

• Put the phone in your pocket: You can’t have a “micro-moment” if your eyes are glued to TikTok while waiting for your latte.
• The “Nice Weather, Huh?” Strategy: It’s a classic for a reason. One small comment opens the door.
• The “Compliment Cannon”: See someone with a cool hat? Tell them. It takes three seconds and leaves both of you feeling better.
• Show up twice: Go to the same coffee shop at the same time two days in a row. Boom—you’re now a “regular.”
• Join “Low-Bar” Communities: Look for groups where the focus is on a task, not just “socialising.” A local run club, a community garden, or volunteer for an hour for a cause of your passion.
• Practice “Micro-Recognition”: If you see someone in your building or neighborhood for the second or third time, upgrade from a “nod” to a verbal acknowledgment. “Morning! Busy day for the building, huh?”

The Bottom Line

At Centre for Effective Living, we know that deep relationships are the bedrock of a happy life. But don’t sleep on the “little guys.” Those small, casual “hellos” weave a safety net that keeps us from falling into the gap of loneliness. So, next time you’re at the checkout, skip the self-scan. Talk to the human. Your brain will thank you.

Article provided with thanks to Centre For Effective Living

Jennifer MPsych (Clinical), PGDip ClinPsych, BA(Hons – First Class) is a psychologist who understands that a good therapeutic relationship is the starting point of any meaningful work with her clients.

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Chronic pain can be a debilitating and arduous experience. However, I have a few clients who have been inspirational to me, in how they have faced up to these challenges with awareness, curiosity and grace. Despite what can feel like never-ending discomfort, mental well-being and hope can still be possible.

What Do We Mean by Chronic Pain?

Chronic pain is pain that lasts for longer than three months, or beyond the usual time it takes for tissues or injuries to heal. It might begin after an injury, illness, or surgery, or sometimes with no clear starting point at all.

Importantly, chronic pain is not just a signal of tissue damage. Over time, the nervous system itself can become more sensitive, meaning the brain and body stay on “high alert,” even when there is no ongoing injury. Pain, in this sense, becomes a learned and reinforced experience within the nervous system.

This doesn’t mean the pain is “imaginary”! Chronic pain is very real, and it reflects changes in how the brain, nerves, muscles, and stress systems interact.

How Chronic Pain and Mental Health Affect Each Other

Chronic pain doesn’t exist in isolation. It often becomes tightly linked with mood, energy, sleep, and motivation.

Many people notice that over time:

• Pain leads to reduced activity, social withdrawal, or avoidance
• Reduced activity can contribute to low mood, frustration, or hopelessness
• Depression and anxiety increase muscle tension, inflammation, and pain sensitivity
• The nervous system becomes caught in a pain–stress–fatigue cycle

This creates a loop:
Pain → less movement and pleasure → lower mood → heightened pain sensitivity

The encouraging news is that this loop can be interrupted. Gently supporting the nervous system can reduce pain intensity, increase confidence in the body, and improve quality of life.

Simple, Evidence-Based Practices to Support Chronic Pain

These practices are not about “getting rid” of pain or pushing through it. Instead, they aim to calm the nervous system, reduce reactivity, and help the body relearn safety.

Even a few minutes a day can make a difference.

1. Mindful Attention to the Body

Mindfulness for pain is not about ignoring pain or trying to make it disappear. It’s about noticing sensations with curiosity rather than fear.

How to practise:

• Choose a comfortable position
• Gently bring attention to your breath or body
• When pain shows up, notice its qualities (pressure, heat, movement) rather than judging it
• If the sensation feels overwhelming, shift attention to a neutral or pleasant area (e.g., hands, feet, or breath)

Why this helps:
Mindfulness reduces threat signalling in the brain and helps separate pain from suffering. Research shows it can reduce pain intensity, distress, and depressive symptoms.

2. Visualising Safety and Comfort

The brain responds to imagery in much the same way it responds to real experiences. Visualisation can be a powerful way to signal safety to the nervous system.

How to practise:

• Close your eyes and imagine a place where you feel safe or at ease
• Picture details: colours, textures, sounds
• If helpful, imagine warmth, softness, or gentle support around painful areas

Why this helps:
Visualisation can reduce muscle guarding and calm the stress response, which often amplifies pain signals.

3. Gentle, Paced Movement

When pain is persistent, it’s common to either avoid movement altogether or push too hard on “good days.” Both can increase flare-ups.

How to practise:

• Choose small, predictable amounts of movement (e.g., a short walk, stretching)
• Keep it consistent rather than reactive to pain levels
• Focus on what your body can do, not what it can’t

Why this helps:
Regular movement reassures the nervous system that the body is safe, reduces stiffness, and improves mood and confidence over time.

4. Compassionate Self-Talk During Pain Flares

How we speak to ourselves during pain matters. Threat-based thoughts (“This will never end,” “My body is broken”) increase nervous system arousal.

How to practise:

• Notice critical or catastrophic thoughts
• Gently replace them with supportive statements such as:
  • “This is difficult, and I’m doing my best”
  • “My body is trying to protect me”
  • “This sensation can change”

Why this helps:
Self-compassion reduces stress hormones, lowers emotional distress, and supports emotional resilience, all of which influence pain processing.

A Hopeful Note

Living with chronic pain can be exhausting and isolating. But pain is not fixed, and the nervous system remains changeable throughout life. Small, consistent practices that support safety, awareness, and self-kindness can gradually reduce pain intensity, improve mood, and help you reconnect with your life, even if pain is still present.

Support from a psychologist, physiotherapist, GP, or pain-informed therapist can further tailor these approaches to your unique experience. Contact the Centre for Effective Living for further support or questions. Some other helpful websites include Pain Australia and PainHealth.

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