Why your spouse (and your marriage) shouldn’t get the leftovers.

In the middle of busy seasons, priorities rarely collapse all at once. They shift quietly. Work stretches a little further. Energy gets a little thinner. Conversations at home become more functional than deep. And over time, the connection can start to feel harder to hold onto than it used to be.

Darren Chapman from The Happy Marriage talks about that gradual drift – and why the order of our priorities shapes far more than just our schedules. It shapes the health of our relationships, and ultimately, the tone of our homes.

“Where we place God and our spouse and our kids and work – our priorities can become disordered quite quickly or gradually over time.”

He said the challenge is that this rarely happens in a dramatic way. It’s usually slow, shaped by exhaustion, pressure, and the demands of everyday life. But the impact shows up in subtle but significant ways: less connection, more tension, and a growing sense that something feels “off.”

“When you sense you’re not as connected with your spouse or there’s a bit of tension in the air… when you start to not share the deeper things with each other.”

For Darren, one of the clearest markers of this drift is when couples stop sharing life at a deeper level. Not because they don’t care, but because they’re tired. Life gets full, and emotional connection becomes one of the first things to quietly slip.

God first

At the centre of his perspective is a simple ordering principle: God first.

Not as an abstract idea, but as the source of identity and strength that everything else flows from.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.” (Matthew 6:33)

 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30)

Darren explains that when God is first, it changes what we’re drawing from in every other relationship. Instead of looking to a spouse, children, or work to provide identity or fulfilment, those needs are met in God first.

“God first means getting identity and strength and resource from Him… He is my rock, source, and all.”

And that shift matters deeply in marriage

“So I’m coming into my marriage with a full cup, not an empty cup.”

Rather than entering relationships from a place of need or depletion, there’s a sense of fullness and stability that allows love to be given, not just received from.

From there, Darren spoke about the importance of protecting marriage intentionally – especially in seasons where life is demanding and time feels limited.

One of the biggest risks, he said, is not conflict, but neglect.

“Spouse gets leftovers… a dangerous place to live and exist.”

It doesn’t usually happen on purpose. It happens when everything else takes priority during the day, and what’s left is exhaustion. But over time, leftovers become a pattern and connection begins to fade.

Intentional rhythms

That’s why he emphasised the importance of simple, intentional rhythms that protect the relationship.

“Have habits of date night or whatever it is to make sure you’re spending some of the best part of your day with your spouse, not just collapsing into bed.”

It’s not about adding pressure to already full lives. It’s about protecting what matters most inside the reality of the season you’re in.

Children and work

Darren also acknowledged how easily children can become the central focus of a home, not in a harmful way, but in a way that gradually shifts the balance of relationships.

While children are a gift, he said, an over-focus on them can unintentionally place strain on marriage.

“I have seen marriages fall apart when the focus is on kids only.”

As seasons change, capacity changes too. What worked in one stage of life doesn’t always translate to the next. But instead of drifting through those changes, Darren encouraged couples to stay intentional and connected through them.

“We don’t want to drift into a lonely marriage… keep that priority so we stay connected and close and in love through the years.”

He also spoke about the reality of work and ministry life, where boundaries can blur easily, and work can begin to take more than its share of energy.

In those seasons, home life can unintentionally receive what’s left over, rather than what’s best.

Intentionality of priorities

But Darren brought it back to a simple grounding idea: home is not secondary to purpose, it is part of it.

“Your first ministry is at home, that’s where it begins.”

One of the most practical shifts, he said, is not structural but conversational. Instead of assuming what the other person needs, couples benefit from asking directly and honestly.

A simple question can begin to re-align everything:

“How can I support you better in this season so we can be better connected?”

It opens space for honesty, adjustment, and shared understanding of capacity in a given season of life.

“How can we live inside of our capacity and thrive where we are at with our marriage priorities?”

Ultimately, Darren’s message comes back to something simple but easy to lose in the middle of busy life: connection doesn’t drift into health on its own. It takes intention.

Not perfection. Not pressure. But small, consistent choices that keep the right things in the right order.

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I can still remember the moment. I was in the schoolyard when I heard the words: ‘Don’t play with her. She’s too fat’.

Content note: This blog shares personal reflections on body image, identity, and self-worth.

Year 4. Nine years old. And in one sentence, my world shifted.

I went home, walked straight to my room, and stared into the mirror – not with my own eyes, but with the eyes of someone who had just labelled me. That was the day I learned how quickly a few careless words can reshape your value, your confidence, your sense of worth.

And the truth is… many women know that moment. Maybe you’ve been called too fat, too thin, too plain, too pale, too much, not enough. Maybe someone has commented on your thighs, your skin, your nose, your hairline, your body shape – as if your body is public property.

Those words stick. They echo. They shape the way we walk into rooms.

When I started high school, I was quiet. Invisible. Not the cool kid. I didn’t wear my hair the right way or know the cool labels. Just a girl trying to find one kind face in a world obsessed with “hot” or “not.”

But here’s something I want you to know – especially if you’ve struggled with your body like I have:

Faith in Jesus can reshape the way you see yourself. A relationship with Him can free you from the opinions of others. He can teach you to love yourself without their permission.

I know this because I’ve lived on both sides of the pendulum.

1 Samuel 16:7 “People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

The Words That Broke Me – and the Determination That Followed

When I was a young teen, the boy I had a crush on told my friend he wouldn’t date me unless my “butt cheeks were ten times smaller.”

Ten. Times. Smaller.

Something snapped inside me – not in a healthy way, but in a determined way. Like so many teenage girls, I started watching what I ate. Then I started exercising. Then I started exercising twice a day. Running. Sit‑ups. Push‑ups. Walking. Strict Eating.

By 15, I was a size 10 – the fittest I had ever been. And I felt great.

But what started as revenge turned into something entirely different. It became about me – about discovering my own strength and reclaiming what had been taken from me. Along the way, I found a courage I didn’t know I had, and every step of it was Christ‑led.

I’d become a Christian a year or two earlier, at thirteen, and everything began to shift – my friends, my interests, even the way I saw myself. God was growing a strength in me I had never known before.

I eventually confronted that boy – but the truth is, I had already chosen to forgive him long before that moment. It was only through God’s peace that I was able to offer friendship instead of hurt or blame. And somehow, we did become friends. We even dated for a while. But forgiveness doesn’t erase memory, and the impact of those words didn’t magically disappear.

Then came a new wave of accusations, this time because of my changing body. When you’re overweight, people assume you’re careless. When you’re thin, suddenly they think you’re harming yourself.

“She must be throwing up.” “Are you throwing up?” “Has she stopped eating?” “Let me see you finish that fruit salad.”

I was honestly stunned. It felt like I couldn’t win. Fat meant rejection, thin meant suspicion. How is any woman meant to navigate that?

But in that moment, I chose what God was whispering to me: Choose My way. Ignore them. Keep going. I knew the truth – I was healthy, fit, and loving my life, even if others questioned it.

And here’s another twist no one warns you about:

Being rejected for your body hurts. But being accepted only because of your body? That can be just as damaging.

When ‘Beautiful’ Became a Burden

Suddenly, I was the opposite of invisible. Boys noticed me. People wanted to date me. And let me tell you – that kind of attention is intoxicating.

But it came with a cost.

People judged my Christian character because of how I looked. Girls kept their distance. Men objectified me. And by the time I got to university I felt pressure – suffocating pressure – to maintain an impossible standard so people would keep liking me.

I remember preparing a uni presentation I wasn’t confident about and thinking:

“It’s fine. I’ll just look amazing, so no one notices what I say.”

That’s not confidence. That’s captivity.

Being rejected for being overweight was hurtful and lonely. But being accepted only for beauty was just as empty. Neither version was or is freedom.

The Body Battle Doesn’t End- Even as an Adult

I’ve always struggled with my weight. Even now, as a plus-size mum, it fluctuates. Up. Down. Up again. And here’s something I’ve never said publicly:

When I focus on healthy eating, it’s shocking how quickly people comment. If I have one treat, one “off‑plan” moment, suddenly it’s:

“Ohhh, I thought you weren’t eating that?” “Is that allowed?” “Should you be having that?”

Even at my strictest, I still have cheat days. I’m human. I’m allowed to enjoy food. I need those moments. But those comments? They don’t help. They don’t motivate. They don’t support.

They shame.

So let me say this clearly:

If someone you love is trying to get healthy, don’t police them. Walk with them. Check in. Ask how they’re going. Pray for and with them. Encourage them. Love them. Don’t tease them. Don’t monitor them. Don’t make their plate your business.

We don’t need food critics. We need companions. And if they do need professional help, journey with them gently to the GP.

What God Taught Me About Beauty

After years of swinging between extremes – overweight, underweight, under pressure, over‑noticed, under‑valued – God finally whispered something that changed everything:

“Your beauty is not your body. Your beauty is My Spirit in you.”

2 Corinthians 4:16 “Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”

And that was my journey, God completely renewed the way I see body and my beauty no matter what size I am.

We are spiritual, supernatural beings made in the image of God – wrapped in human, fragile, imperfect bodies.

The most beautiful women I know? Their beauty has nothing to do with their appearance. It’s their kindness. Their courage. Their gentleness. Their wisdom. Their joy. Their faith.

That’s the kind of beauty that doesn’t wrinkle, stretch, sag, or fade. That’s the kind of beauty I want to be around.

1 Peter 3:3–4 “Your beauty… should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.”

So Here’s My Advice — From One Woman to Another

If you’ve been wounded by words…

If you’ve been judged by your body…

If you’ve been pressured to shrink or pressured to sparkle…

Hear me:

You are not a body with a soul. You are a soul with a body.

Your worth is not measured in kilos, calories, dress sizes, or compliments.

Your worth was set at the Cross. Unchanging. Unshakeable. Unconditional.

And if you’re on a health journey – physical, emotional, or spiritual – let people walk with you, not watch you.

Let them support you, not scrutinise you.

And above all, let Jesus define you – not the mirror, not the comments, not the culture.

Because big girls do cry. But big girls also rise. And with God, big girls overcome.

Article supplied with thanks to Rhema 99.7

About the Author: Richelle Wenhem is an announcer and content coordinator at Rhema 99.7, and mum of two children.

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There was a constant background noise in my head.
Quiet thoughts saying, “You don’t really believe.”
“You’re a fake.”

It’s strange to look back now and realise how much I struggled with that.

Doubt wasn’t something we talked about much back then. Maybe by 2026, we’ve grown a bit more grace for our weaknesses, but as a teenager I found it hard to feel confident in my relationship with Jesus. I assumed everyone else had it sorted. They seemed so sure. So close to God. And then there was me.

If I had to describe that season, it was a mix of guilt and shame. And honestly, it was exhausting. Everyone talked about joy, but I couldn’t find it, so I tried for it. I worked harder at faith. I did the right things. I apologised to God for my nagging doubts, assuming they were proof that my faith just wasn’t strong enough.

Around that time, my health fell apart. It got bad enough that I had to stop university and step away from everything I was “doing for” God. For months, I was just Chloe. Not Chloe the worker. Just me. And it wasn’t comfortable.

I couldn’t distract myself anymore by trying to work my way out of feeling guilt and shame, and doubt in my connection to God was a dark cloud constantly hovering over me.

I needed a full reset.

Slowly, through months of sitting, reading, and praying, God taught me something I didn’t know I needed to learn. I actually did love Him. That might sound odd, but I had to learn to believe that I did. Guilt had convinced me that my heart was never quite right, that I was always falling short. But that was a lie. An accusation. And I had to stop agreeing with it.

I had to accept that I was made right with God because of what He had done, not because I could finally feel the right thing.

I stopped fighting the doubt and started resting in the truth that I was loved, and that I loved Him too. The accusations didn’t get the final say anymore.

Did the “you’re a fake” thoughts disappear overnight? No. But looking back now, that younger version of me feels almost unrecognisable.

About ten years ago, I shared this story with a group of people. I worried I’d sound unstable or overly dramatic. Instead, people came up to me saying, “I thought that was just me.”

So let’s bring it into the light.

If you’ve struggled to feel right with God, hear this. He genuinely loves you. And like a good parent, He wants you to feel safe and secure with Him.

Maybe it’s time to stop fighting the doubt and start resting in His love.

Article supplied with thanks to Rhema 99.7.

About the Author: Audrey Waugh is a writer who works in marketing at Rhema 99.7.

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As Father’s Day approaches this year I’m pausing to consider whether I’m being a good father and how that responsibility ranks alongside all the others I hold at work and in life. 

I don’t just want to be a good father; I want to be a good husband, a good member of my community, a good leader, a good son… maybe I want too much?!

Can you relate?

With so many varied responsibilities, how can we prioritise these different realms of life and ensure that we’re investing where it matters most?

As I’ve been reflecting on this lately, I’ve found it most helpful to think about Connection and Direction. 

For me, these two ideas have been key to making sense of where I put my energy—and how I lead the people closest to me, at home and at work.

Connection

Human beings are hard-wired for connection.

There is increasing understanding in our world about the power of connection. I’ve been significantly impacted by Gabor Mate’s work on addiction and connection. He writes: “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is connection.” He suggests that many maladaptive coping behaviours, addiction included, arise from attempts to soothe the pain of disconnection and isolation, not simply from underlying disease or moral failing. 

The value of connections—especially with our spouses and children—is hard to overstate, but the real challenge is learning how to prioritise between them.

On Father’s Day a few years ago, my then Pastor preached a sermon entitled, “How to be the best dad?” his conclusion has stuck with me since, “love your wife.”It’s radically counterintuitive. We tend to think that to be the best dad, I have to do stuff with my children – spend time with them, buy them ice cream, sit on the couch and hug them – these are all great things!  

But even more powerful is looking after your wife’s needs. Spending time investing in a real relationship with her and making sure her cup is full. It’s a strange principle, but getting that one key connection right has significant ramifications for all of the others. 

So if you’re struggling to work out how to be a good father this Father’s Day, go and love your wife well. (equally true for any wives reading this and thinking about how to love their husbands). 

In the same way, leaders who strengthen their central relationships at work set the tone for the health and unity of the whole organisation. When you intentionally strengthen your most vital connections—such as your core team—the health and resilience of the wider group are transformed.

Prioritising connection is important, but I think it’s only half of the puzzle. Of equal importance is the question of direction. 

Direction

If our connections are like ties that bind us with others, it follows that the direction in which we are pulling becomes the way that we are leading others.

As you are leading your spouse, leading your kids or leading your teams, where are you pulling?

I don’t mean “What is your career path?” or “What is your 10-year plan?” but what is the general direction and bearing of your heart? What is guiding your decision-making and your values and convictions in life? What voices are you listening to and letting influence you?

Speaking of influence, I’ll never forget something I heard a few years ago that the most influential leader in your life is YOU! 

Think about that for a minute, of all the things you and I consume, all of the noise from the influencers and content-creators, it all goes through one giant filter – ourselves! 

If that is true, then one of the key questions we have to be asking ourselves regarding our direction is “How am I leading myself?” 

I don’t know if you’re anything like me, but leading myself is much harder than it sounds.

We’re a forgetful people. We have good intentions, but then we get sidetracked. We put resolutions in place, only to break them. We pursue the shiny things our eyes are attracted to, instead of the truly good. We chase quick fixes rather than purposeful investment that requires sacrifice.  

While this may seem depressing at first, I want to submit to you that it is, in fact, the opposite. While we’ve just said leading yourself is not easy, if we can get this right, I believe it holds incredible synthesising power. To go from trying to lead many different people in multiple different ways to focusing on getting the one most important thing right.

Personally, for me as a Christian, I place my highest priority in following in the direction God is leading me. As I set His voice above all others in my life, it has this miraculous ability to get me moving in a direction that then brings alignment and direction to my countless other connections, including my wife, my children and those I lead in the various facets of my life.

As a leader, the direction you set for yourself doesn’t just guide your own life—it ripples out, influencing the vision, morale, and effectiveness of everyone connected to you, both at home and in your organisation. 

While I’m wrestling this year with how to be a good father and leader, here is my conclusion:

Being a good father and leader is a worthy endeavour, but I’m not strong enough or proactive enough to take good care of hundreds of healthy connections and the responsibility for leading others. So in my own life I am trying to just focus on these key things:

Focus on my closest connections. Prioritising my wife and kids above all others gives me strength to lead with confidence across many other spheres.  

For my direction, I look to God. By listening to Him above all others and following His lead, the other things seem to fall in their right place. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” – Matt 6:33.  

Whether you’re leading a family or a team, the choices you make about where you invest your focus and how you chart your course will shape the culture and well-being of every circle you influence.

I pray that wherever you are and whatever your relationship with fatherhood may have looked like, these reflections encourage you and help move you in the right direction, too.

Article supplied with thanks to Rhema 99.7.

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