Here’s three simple questions that can help to get things into perspective when you’re facing a difficult situation.

The old ditty goes “Two men looked out through prison bars, the one saw mud, the other, stars”. I have always been intrigued by the very different responses people have to the same situation. What is a catastrophe for one, is an exciting adventure for another, what leads to a response of indifference from one person, sees another almost besides themself with indignation.

While the difference in people’s responses is interesting, I have come to realise that far more is at stake. Some responses are life serving and lead to health and wholeness, while others shrink us, and see us become so much less than we could be.

It was one of the themes of Jesus – having eyes, but not seeing through them; having ears, but not hearing with them. He even noted that we sometimes muddle light and darkness, Matt 6:22-23 recording him saying: “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!“

I recently came across three questions psychologist Martin Seligman suggests we ask when we are in a difficult situation. Seligman’s questions help to break the problem up in a way that helps us to keep perspective. They are:

One: How permanent is this issue?

Is it likely to last hours, days, weeks, months, years or for the rest of your life? The answer makes a difference! Sometimes we spend an inordinate amount of time sweating over something that will last for a few minutes or at worst, a few hours. Actually, the exam you face and must study for now will be over within a few days. It won’t be too long before you don’t remember what your result was – indeed, you will have forgotten the exam altogether. So study hard, and don’t overreact.

When I’m about to face a difficult challenge, I like to remind myself of the TTT question: This Time Tomorrow what will I be doing and thinking about? Often the answer is “this time tomorrow it will be over”. Keep perspective.

But what if the answer to the TTT question is “It will still be there. Only it is likely to be a little worse. Actually, this gets progressively worse.” Realistically this is sometimes the answer. If you face a terminal diagnosis, a “smile, it will soon be over” approach is unlikely to be of much comfort. Its at times like this that the promises of the Christian faith can provide enormous comfort. It is worth remembering Paul’s promise that “our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes on what is unseen since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2Cor 4:17-18). That’s a perspective shaping insight.

Two: How pervasive is this issue?

Annoying though some things are, many irritants only impact a small part of our life. Acting as though they are the whole is a quick way to lose perspective. Yes, it is sad that an investment you made turned south, but is it the totality of your life? It’s worth asking the “What remains?” question. In the vast majority of cases, most things remain. The sun still shines, there is still beautiful music to listen to, and there are friends to chat to (or new friends to make). If all else fails, your dog still loves you (unless the problem is that your dog just died!)

No, I am not talking about denying difficult situations. To the contrary, it is important that we face everything in life. But if we are to have the courage to genuinely face the complex and painful, we need an accurate reminder of the wider context in which we begin our exploration, else it soon seems overwhelming. It becomes everything, instead of the part (but not whole) of the life we have. It goes back to perspective, and not losing it.

Three: What agency do I have in facing this?

This is perhaps the most important of the three questions. It invites action.

If I elect not to act, it challenges me to own my decision, and to be curious about it. “Why didn’t I act?” Perhaps the answer is: “Why would I? It’s not big enough to justify the effort.” Fair enough. If it didn’t justify action, stop being so tragic about it. You have already decided that it is not a big deal.

Perhaps the answer is more confronting. Some people don’t act because they are afraid of the outcome (I might offend someone whose good opinion I value), or because they aren’t confident their actions will make a difference (I accept many people could sort this out easily, but it is beyond my skillset) or because… well, there are many possibilities. View your answer as a friend, an aid to understanding yourself better, rather than as an enemy. Be suspicious of answers in the “They won’t let me” category. Yes, sometimes that is an accurate answer, but far less often than people claim. It can be an unhelpful “get out of jail free” card we use to avoid the hard work of change and growth.

I might not be able to do all that I want, but that is not the same as saying I have no agency. I might not be able to do everything, but what can I do? This is the sphere of personal freedom and growth.

Doing what we can realistically do is a path to serenity, self-respect and often joy. Don’t be afraid of the “Have I done what I could?” question. Answer it both honestly and kindly. No, you haven’t transformed the world, but then it wasn’t ever a realistic option. The question, “Have I done what I could?” is so much more pertinent. And a little prompt. Most of us can do a little more than we initially imagine. Set stretch (but not snap) targets.

What if I genuinely don’t have agency?

I might have to accept that the aggressive cancer I face isn’t going away, or that the marriage really is over, or that I really am never going to be good enough to get into any World Cup soccer team! The Stoics have good insight here – accept what cannot be changed, and face it with courage.

Followers of Jesus have an additional resource. It is simply to trust in the goodness, mercy and sovereignty of God. Paul writes “I can do all things through Christ who give me strength” (Phil 4:13). I don’t think he would object if we slightly rephrased this to “I can face all things though Christ who gives me strength.” Dante writes, “In His will is our peace”, while Julian of Norwich encourages us to embrace the conviction that “all shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well”.

Two men looked out through prison bars, the one saw mud, the other stars. It’s about perspective, and perspective is helped if we ask the how permanent, how pervasive and what agency do I have, questions. Perhaps you could ask them now…

Article supplied with thanks to Brian Harris.

About the Author: Brian is a speaker, teacher, leader, writer, author and respected theologian who is founding director of the AVENIR Leadership Institute, fostering leaders who will make a positive impact on the world.

Feature image: Canva

If helicopter parents hover, lawnmower parents clear the path entirely.

“Instead of just watching over their kids,” says conflict strategist Sarah Blake, “lawnmower parents step in and remove every obstacle.” They make life smoother and safer, but at a cost.

This parenting style, though well-intentioned, prevents children from learning through struggle.

The Cost of Making Life Too Easy

Sarah explains that parents often step too far. “They want to protect their child from being hurt or failing,” she says. “But we have to let them face challenges if we want them to grow.”

When parents clear every obstacle, kids lose vital chances to build resilience and problem-solving skills. “Life is hard,” Sarah says. “It’s in the messy moments that we really learn the most.”

The Real-Life Signs of Lawnmower Parenting

Sarah shares stories from schools where parents show up at camps or job interviews just to make sure things go smoothly. “It’s done with love,” she says, “but it disempowers them from becoming capable adults.”

Some parents even withdraw children from events like swimming carnivals or sports days to spare them discomfort. But as Sarah reminds, “Even cheering from the sidelines is a learning experience.”

Why Resilience Matters More Than Comfort

“We can’t protect our kids from life,” Sarah says. “But we can prepare them for it.”

Resilience helps children handle discomfort, solve problems, and recover from setbacks. Without it, adulthood becomes overwhelming.

“It’s not nice to be uncomfortable,” Sarah admits. “But learning to stay in that discomfort builds real strength.”

Finding the Line Between Support and Interference

There’s no universal rule, Sarah says. Every child and every parent is different.

Her advice: “Listen to your internal dialogue. Ask yourself am I helping, or am I holding them back?”

She recalls letting her son ride to school alone for the first time. “I walked him to the roundabout, then let him go. He came home glowing with pride.”

That’s the goal, small steps toward independence.

Coaching, Not Controlling

So how can parents move away from lawnmower habits?

“Coach instead of fix,” Sarah advises. “Say, ‘This is hard, what might we do here?’ Help them think, don’t just clear the way.”

Start small. Give them limited freedom, celebrate wins, and stay nearby for support.

“Sometimes you’ll need to step in,” she adds. “But be clear about why and only after they’ve tried to solve it first.”

The Long Game of Parenting

Parenting is a long game. Love means letting go, not clearing every obstacle. “We want to raise capable adults,” Sarah says. “That means standing back sometimes, even when it’s uncomfortable.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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“Change is necessary,” says psychologist, Collett Smart. “It’s what we all go through, whether it’s moving from adolescence, to middle age, to old age, to moving jobs, we’re all going to go through it.”

The key to dealing with change, says Collett, is to learn and implement healthy ways to cope with it.

In this Helping Hands panel discussion, Collett is joined by youth worker, Nathan Brewer; and National Grandparent Movement founder, Ian Barnett, to discuss how we can be best equipped to deal with change.

Being confronted with change, Ian says, can make us long for stability and for things that feel familiar and safe. Now in his 60s, Ian candidly answers from the wisdom of his life experience when asked why he thinks we struggle with change.

“Depending on your stage of life, on your experience, sometimes it is easier to adapt, other times you just don’t want to change … If there hasn’t been a good process to go through change – clear explanation and communication – it’s always going to be hard and you’re going to face a reaction to it.”

That reaction, Collett says, often includes an experience of stress, because even good change – change that we invite willingly into our lives – brings unpredictability.

Small Changes Can Be Hard, Too

The stress we experience isn’t limited to big life changes, Collett adds. She says that daily transitions can be difficult to manage as well.

Dealing with change “is really about stepping back, acknowledging first that change is hard, and allowing yourself to feel the feelings in your body,” Collett says. The key to equipping ourselves for change is to tackle our challenges in small steps, to remember what’s helped us in the past and employ strategies that we know work.

Young people, Nathan says, are in the process of learning to contain their emotions. Their ability to deal with change can range from laid back and easy going to reacting irrationally and “blowing their stack”.

For parents of teens who are struggling to deal with change, Nathan urges the importance of trying to remember what life was like for them as a teen.

“Rather than writing off all teenagers as being unnecessary troublemakers, put yourself in their shoes. Try and remember what you were like at the same age. It’s (about having) sympathy, about being quick to listen, being slow to get angry.”

There may be consequences to face for choices we’ve made when we’ve dealt badly with change, Collett concludes, but we are all able to learn healthy strategies for dealing with change.

“Starting to just be aware of your body, being aware of where you are, focusing on your breathing … making sure your body understands that your body is safe … There’s a lot of techniques we can use to help our bodies process when we’re going through change.”

See the DEALING WITH CHANGE discussion and the full catalogue of Helping Hands panels at helpinghands.tv. Catch up on full episodes of Helping Hands on 9NOW.

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

Feature image: Photo by Martin Martz on Unsplash

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

In the past, phrases like “toughen up” were common.

But Ian Barnett, representing the National Grandparent Movement, points out that there’s been a shift toward understanding resilience as a mindset rather than a form of toughness. 

Today’s youth face unique challenges, especially in a digital world.

Instead of toughening up our grandkids, grandparents can foster resilience by teaching them how to cope with setbacks and failure in a supportive environment.

“Let them fall over; give them a minute before you jump in,” Ian said, giving an example of teaching them to cope with setbacks.

While it’s essential to reassure grandchildren of their worth no matter the outcome, Ian says it’s also crucial that they learn from their mistakes.

This balance of support and allowing room for failure equips kids to handle life’s challenges with greater strength and perseverance.

When inclusivity and affirmation are prioritised, we may want to shield our grandkids from any discomfort.

But according to Ian, facing small challenges early on prepares them for bigger ones in the future. 

“Encourage them if they win; encourage them if they fail,” he said.

Grandparents have a unique opportunity to guide the younger generation through these evolving challenges.

Grandparents who embrace their role as “a role model” and decide to be there for their grandchildren, regardless of the outcome make all the difference.

By listening and engaging in meaningful conversations, grandparents are helping them build both emotional and mental resilience.

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

Feature image: Canva

About the Author: Joni Boyd is a writer, based in the Hawkesbury Region of NSW. She is passionate about the power of stories shared, to transform lives.