How to keep your teen talking without pushing them away

Susan Woodworth from Walk and Talk Psychology  discusses the emotions that teenagers face as they are navigating different relationships and the pressure of those things competing for their attention.

“In my practice,” she began, “I actually give this homework to nearly all the parents of teenagers that I see.”

While toddlers have big emotions about the colour of their plate, teenagers are dealing with many internal emotions. Susan uses the term Conversation Loop to describe how to navigate talking with your teenager to keep them talking.

The Conversation Loop

“If your teenager came up to you and said, look, mum and dad, I’m having a really, really hard time and it would be really helpful if we could sit together and talk about this, that’s what you want them to hear.”

Unfortunately, it is seldom the case with teens.

Teenager Talk

“Teenager talk is a little different,” said Susan. “All behaviour is communication. The teenagers will say, ‘You don’t understand me. You don’t get it. You’re not even listening to me. It’s not the same as it was for you as it is for me.’”

Susan said that is their version of saying, ‘I am already irritated.’

Three Common Mistakes

One of the common mistakes parents can make is reacting to a behaviour before hearing the message underneath.

“If they’re giving you a hard time, they’re always having a hard time.”

The second is trying to have a serious conversation when parents are busy.

“Just before you are making dinner or getting ready to leave the house… Don’t have those conversations then. You are going to let your kid down when you have to leave.”

Finally, having these conversations while looking through your own lens of life experience.

“Instead, you need to focus on your child.”

Susan said it is more important to be with your child and pay attention to their problems, rather than trying to fix it through your own lived experience.

“Saying things like, ‘just don’t hang out with them… they’re not nice people,’ is an example where you are not actually listening to them.”

How to Have Conversations

1. Pay Attention

1. “Number one, pay attention to when they’re asking you to listen to them. Those words they said before, means, I need you to listen to me.

2. Set Aside Time

“You’ve got to set aside an hour of uninterrupted time to talk with them. It might not take that long, but it may do. So set aside an hour. And when you do it, have a relaxed atmosphere. So something non-confrontational, something like having bubble tea together or having hot chocolate or going for a walk together.”

3. Just Sit and Listen

Susan says that if your teenager doesn’t want to talk to you, just enjoy your time with them.

“Just sit and be quiet. No, don’t try and talk. Don’t say anything. Don’t offer advice. Don’t just say, ‘What’s going on? It looks like you’re having a hard time.’ Don’t offer any advice. Just listen.”

Susan recognises that it may be hard for parents to resist talking because so many want to offer wisdom and draw from their own experiences. She emphasises that listening is key.

“Just focus just on listening because there’s no point giving advice until you really understand what’s going on for them. So you don’t talk at all. When it’s your turn, when they’re finished, you try to repeat back what they’ve said in your own words.”

It helps them to see that you understand and hear them.

“Then you say, ‘Okay, what am I still not getting?’ If they say, ‘Close enough,’ it means ‘No’.”

“Ask them if they need any help, but usually once they’ve got the space to process this and talk about it. They’ve usually got it.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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The parent trap of wanting to be liked

Recently, one of my teenagers completely lost it at me over a new tech rule I’d put in place.

I’d spent ages trying to work out what healthy boundaries should actually look like and eventually landed on a rule that, in their opinion, was outrageously strict.

“You’re making me hate you!”

OUCH!

Now, logically, I knew that they didn’t actually hate me. It was big teenage emotions, most of which had very little to do with me. But still… ouch.

You see, I was theoretically ready to be the strict Mum. The one who got rebelled against. The bad cop. What I wasn’t prepared for was how much I would want to be liked. How much I wouldn’t want to say ‘no’.

What my teenager didn’t see was that I was kind of already doubting myself. I knew our rules looked different to some other houses, and I was painfully aware of how overprotective and ridiculous I probably looked in their eyes. Part of me wanted to back down and make it all go away.

In that moment, it felt like there were two options.

1. Back down, avoid the conflict, and be liked.

2. Put on my big girl pants and allow my teenager to be unhappy with me.

Sometimes I get it wrong as a parent. I’ve been too firm before and I’ve had to apologise. Parenting isn’t about digging your heels in for the sake of it. But this boundary? At the heart of it was care for them. I genuinely believed it was good for them, even if they couldn’t see that yet.

And sometimes loving your child means telling them “no” even when it costs you something.

That felt much simpler when the kids were little. Of course they weren’t allowed to lick elevator buttons- boundaries seemed to rest more on common sense. But parenting tweens and teens lives in much muddier waters. Half the time you’re making decisions while questioning yourself the entire way through.

But I keep coming back to this question

Am I willing to be disliked in order to love my child well?

I’ve heard parents say they “lost” their child for a few years during the teen stage, only to reconnect later and hear, “You were right,” or “Thanks.” Even hearing that encourages me, because it reminds me that teenagers don’t always understand love when it arrives in the form of boundaries.

Sometimes love doesn’t look like a Hallmark card, but it looks like disappointment and conflict and holding firm while your kid rolls their eyes at you.

And sometimes that’s what loving them well requires.

“No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening, it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” Hebrews 12:11 (NLT)

Article supplied with thanks to Rhema 99.7.

About the Author: Chloe Ellenbacher is the co-host of The Fresh Start Morning Show on Rhema 99.7.

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Part of my day job sees me lucky enough to spend time with teens. I have run media literacy seminars for students, in schools around the world, for a number of years now.

Whenever I ask a group of tween or teen boys what they think the main area of body focus is, for boys, they yell out, ‘A six-pack!’ (I’ve even heard 9-year-old boys talking about and trying to compare their six-packs.) This line is the same, whether I am in Zimbabwe, New Zealand, the USA or Australia.

When given the opportunity, a whole lot more gushes out. As if a sudden crack in the wall has given them freedom to leak what’s on their minds – “Boys have body image issues too!”

Our general silence on this leads our boys to believe they are the only ones worrying. Now, they’ve finally been given permission to talk about something they are struggling with. The words come – biceps, jawlines, athletic builds, calf muscles, a broad chest, the triangular body shape, not skinny, but not too muscular, not ‘this’, but ‘that’… The boys laugh out in relief, and nod along in agreement.

Body insecurity is not just limited to our girls

What boys worry about

Boys have body image issues and are more body conscious than we realise. This is not new, but unfortunately boys are far less likely to address their own body image concerns and are more likely to struggle alone. Because body image issues have long been thought of as ‘a girl thing’. Our boys also tend to laugh off criticism or make a joke to cover up painful comments about their bodies. They carry their hurt in secret.

Boys tend to worry about how muscular they are and whether they are too skinny. Yet, when questioned directly about this, boys admit that extreme exercise and dieting are issues for both genders. Us adults are slower to recognise this as a real concern for boys.

What Boys Believe to be ‘Good’ Bodies

A UK survey reported that although most boys say that looking good won’t lead to happiness, many still believe there is a ‘perfect’ body to strive for. For boys, ‘perfect’ means muscly, lean and athletic. Boys also tend to associate muscles with being masculine. The survey also found a general naiveté among boys about when they are being advertised to, particularly through non-traditional methods such as social media. Yet, apart from their friends, this is the source with the highest influence on how boys judge themselves. Social media influences how they dress and what it means to ‘look good’.

The most fascinating aspect, to me, is that although boys say they are aware that media changes images, they tend to believe that the media changes the way women look more than men. Boys are often shocked by how much the male image has been adjusted, when it is pointed out. Some boys acknowledge that the way the media portrays men is unrealistic and unhealthy, but still say it can be inspirational.

“In this day and age, boys are expected to look their best; there is increased societal pressure placed upon them … There has recently been more of an emerging market for items that were originally almost exclusively used by girls, for example cosmetics products, hair serums and sprays, hair straighteners and body hair shavers. There is some evidence that from as young as 4 years, the pressure is being felt by children too, as some are worried about eating too much causing them to ‘get fat’.

This idea is called ‘normative discontent’. Unfortunately, it is widely acknowledged and accepted that most women experience weight dissatisfaction. However normative discontent is now more pervasive for boys as well. This is considered to be due to the strong stereotypes of how people should look.”

Sarah McMahon, psychologist and director of Bodymatters Australasia

How Body Focus Affects Boys

A US study published in 2019 found that 22% of men aged 18-24 reported muscularity-oriented disordered eating. Paediatricians are now raising concerns over the increase in muscle-enhancing behaviours (steroid abuse, binge eating and exercise dependence) in boys in particular. Essentially, there seems to be a disconnect between the actual and desired body size/shape of boys (much like we see in some girls).

We now know that muscle dissatisfaction (in boys) is significantly associated with psychological issues, alcohol and drug use, lower height satisfaction, sedentary lifestyle, poor subjective physical fitness, and lower life satisfaction.

When Should I Be Concerned About Ay Son?

Muscle Dysmorphia (MD) is a type of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). It is often referred to as “Bigorexia” or “Reverse anorexia” in the media and consists of a preoccupation with not being muscular or lean ‘enough’.  Clinical eating disorders and MD are complex issues, with no single cause identified (and beyond the scope of this blog post). It often includes genetic vulnerabilities, psychological factors and socio-cultural influences (social media and traditional advertising are one aspect of this).

Bodymatters Australasia provides clinical guidelines on these.

In Supporting Our Sons, We Might:

1.   Think about how we comment on other people’s body shape, weight or size.

My number one rule: Don’t comment on other people’s bodies – no matter how much or little they have changed. Talk about people’s character.

2.   Notice how we comment on people in the media. Also, what is our own media diet like? e.g. Shows like Love Island celebrate bodies, outward appearances and hook ups as relationship markers. The objectification of men’s bodies is no different to the objectification and sexualisation of women’s. This is part of discussing media literacy to our boys.

3.   Talk to boys about their emotions. Be open about boys’ and men’s insecurities. Ask men in your son’s life to speak about male vulnerabilities, men’s mental health, expressing big emotions in healthy ways, demonstrating courage in non-brawny ways too, showing love…

4.   Notice (out loud) your son’s character – kindness to siblings / grandparents / strangers, courage when facing a difficult decision, helping around the house, apologies he makes. Notice what his body can DO, rather than how it looks. Notice his effort, team work and reaching his own Personal Best in sport / academics / art – not just his winning.

5.  Focus on activities that get them moving, and food that is nutritious (without banning certain foods). For healthy minds and bodies – not for muscle size or shape.

6.   Model body acceptance yourself. It might be time for parents to ask ourselves: How do I regard my own body? What does my child hear me say about my body? How do I talk about food and exercise in our home? When we model self-objectification boys quickly learn that only certain types of bodies are acceptable, and that appearance is what is most valued by their families.

7.   Connect with your son, in ways that are meaningful to him. Let him know he is both love-WORTHY and love-ABLE

8.   Use family gatherings like, meal times, traditions and holidays, to communicate a sense of family and belonging (even if he doesn’t want to talk).

9.   Engage the support of male mentors. Our boys need to be invited to participate in the lives of healthy men. Rites of passage programs (like The Rite Journey) also teach boys that growing up doesn’t just involve growing muscles and genitals. Growing up looks like growing in character.

10.   Encourage everyday activism. Stay in touch with what’s going on in your child’s world. Encourage teens to balance their social media feed by following positive role models, YouTubers and activist movements. Get involved with activist movements yourself. Like; Collective Shout, eChildhood, Beauty Redefined and International Justice Mission. Talk about the work they do, and explain to your sons why they are important in making changes to the body focused world we live in.

One Last Thought

EVERY body is valuable and important and worthy. Parents and adults, be gentle with yourselves. I know that many of us need to unlearn the destructive messages we were taught. As you support your son, learn to accept your own body in the process.

Article supplied with thanks to Raising Teenagers

About the Author: Collett Smart is a psychologist, qualified teacher, speaker and internationally published author. She lives with her husband and 3 children in Sydney, Australia. The heart of Collett’s work is to support and bring Hope to parents of tweens and teens.

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