In 1997, Dr Gary Chapman released the book The 5 Love Languages of Children as a follow-up to his bestseller, The Five Love Languages.

The concepts that Dr Chapman shares in his book are essentially about how to increase a child’s sense of self-worth, love, belonging and role in the family. He narrowed down the ways children feel loved to five key ones (not dissimilar from the original). 

While many parents have reported the book has helped children feel more deeply understood, valued and, most of all, loved, Dr Chapman’s work is not without controversy. Critics have pointed out a lack of scientific evidence to support the theory, its vagueness and potential oversimplification of the categories, and the potential for misuse.

There is however, still merit in the ideas behind love languages in that focusing on them can help you strengthen your relationship with your child. The key is to remember, and as pointed out by Dr Chapman himself, even if your child has a dominant love language, they will benefit from all five ways of receiving love. 

It is crucial that parents still practice all five love languages. Show them love in all the languages and then teach them how to use these for themselves. The value is not only for your children but for the people with whom they will live and associate with.

Here’s a bit more about the five love languages for kids: 

1. Words of Affirmation 

Compliment them or their work. Have interactive conversations with them, both sharing your thoughts. These kids may love a good book, thoughtful gifts which include words, and heartfelt messages (think a note in the lunch box). 

2. Acts of Service

Allow them to help you and offer your help whenever appropriate. Thoughtful acts and unexpected assistance can make them feel like you appreciate them. There are lots of practical ways you can show your child you love them without saying a word. 

3. Gifts

Give them something tangible that lets them know you were thinking about them. Something in their favourite colour, animal they love or food they enjoy to show you know what they like. Gifts don’t have to be expensive or even cost at all. Be creative! 

4. Quality Time

Every child wants to connect with their primary caregiver. Quality time doesn’t necessarily look like hours on end of uninterrupted play, but it does require genuine undivided interest to make it count. 

5. Physical Touch 

All children thrive on physical contact. This could be a pat on the back, a hug, holding hands while going on a walk or a game of tickles.

Ultimately, whether or not you fully embrace Dr Chapman’s theory, intentionally expressing love in a variety of meaningful ways can only deepen your connection with your child and help them grow into secure, compassionate individuals who both recognise and generously give love.

Melody Tan is a passionate advocate for empowering mothers through connection, faith and digital engagement. She is project manager of Mums At The Table. She lives in Sydney with her husband and their primary-school-aged son.

Article Supplied with thanks to Sign of The Times Magazine

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If you’ve ever gone to bed replaying the day in your head, wondering if you were too harsh, too distracted, or just not enough, you are not alone. 

Parental guilt is incredibly common, yet deeply unhelpful when left unchecked. 

Despite the growing number of resources and parenting advice available today, many parents still feel like they are falling short.

The truth is, striving for perfection in parenting is not only unsustainable, it’s unnecessary. Psychological research continues to affirm that what children need most is not a flawless parent, but a safe, responsive, and emotionally available one. In fact, “good enough” parenting is not only acceptable, it is optimal.

Understanding the Guilt Trap

A 2023 study published in the Journal of Child & Family Studies found that over 78% of parents report experiencing frequent guilt. This guilt stems from a variety of sources: working long hours, not engaging enough, losing patience, relying on screens, or simply feeling emotionally drained.

From a psychological perspective, guilt often arises when there is a gap between our “ideal parent” self-the kind of parent we aspire to be – and our real, everyday experiences. 

The problem arises when this guilt turns into shame. As author and researcher Dr. Brené Brown explains, “Guilt says ‘I did something bad.’ Shame says ‘I am bad.’” The difference matters. Guilt can prompt reflection and change. Chronic guilt or shame, however, undermines a parent’s confidence and connection.

The Science of “Good Enough”

The idea of being a “good enough” parent might sound like lowering the bar, but it’s actually backed by decades of solid psychological research.

The term was first introduced by British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott back in the mid-20th century. He found that children don’t thrive because their parents are perfect. They thrive because their parents are reliable, loving, and human. In other words, consistently “good enough.” That means showing up, offering care, and being willing to make things right when you mess up, not avoiding mistakes altogether.

This idea has stood the test of time. More recent research, like Dr. Ed Tronick’s famous Still Face Experiment, showed just how important connection and repair really are. In the study, when a parent stopped responding to their baby, even for a short time, the baby quickly became distressed. But once the parent re-engaged and reconnected, the baby settled. What mattered most wasn’t that the parent never “disconnected,” but that they came back.

Attachment science backs this up again and again: what builds a secure bond with your child isn’t perfection, it’s your ability to reconnect after a tough moment. It’s not about never getting it wrong. It’s about how you handle it when you do.

What Healthy Repair Looks Like

In therapy, one of the most powerful shifts for parents comes when they realise that making mistakes is not the issue. The real growth lies in what happens next. Children are remarkably resilient when they experience relational repair after moments of rupture.

Here are a few simple but effective repair strategies:

• If you raised your voice: “I was feeling overwhelmed, but it wasn’t okay to speak to you like that. I’m sorry.”
• If you overlooked something important to them: “I can see that this mattered to you. I’m sorry I didn’t notice sooner.”
• If you reacted sharply when they were seeking connection: “I understand you weren’t trying to upset me. I wish I had responded more gently.”

Repair is not about making grand apologies. It is about recognising our mis-steps, taking responsibility, and reinforcing the message that the relationship is strong enough to withstand difficult moments.

Moving From Guilt to Growth

For parents who find themselves stuck in spirals of guilt, it can be helpful to pause and consider the following:

• Acknowledge the feeling: Label the emotion. “I’m feeling guilty because I care deeply about doing this well.”
• Challenge black-and-white thinking: A single moment does not define your parenting. Reflect on the broader pattern.
• Practice self-compassion: Ask yourself what you would say to a close friend in the same situation. Then say that to yourself.
• Focus on presence, not perfection: The quality of your presence, not the quantity of your performance, is what leaves the deepest impact.
• Return to your values: Instead of chasing external standards, ask what matters most to you and your family. Let that guide your next steps.

As psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy states, “Repair is the heart of secure attachment. It’s not about never messing up. It’s about showing our kids that relationships can handle rupture and come back stronger.”

If you’ve been feeling like you’re failing, this is an invitation to reframe that belief. The very fact that you are reflecting, reading, and caring enough to grow speaks volumes. You are not failing, you are engaging. And engagement, not perfection, is the hallmark of effective, connected parenting.

I’ve written this before, but I’ll write it again. Your children do not need a perfect parent. They need a present one! One who models humility, repair, love, and growth. Every time you return after a misstep, you are building a stronger, more resilient connection with your child.

Good enough really is enough, and often, it’s exactly what your child needs most.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

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It’s one thing to drop your child off at school or daycare and see them wave goodbye. It’s another thing entirely when that goodbye comes with tears, clinging, and pleas not to leave.

Separation anxiety is a normal part of development, especially in young children. But when it starts to interfere with your child’s ability to feel safe or function independently, it can be distressing, for them and for you.

The good news? With patience, reassurance, and the right strategies, your child can learn to feel secure, even when you’re not right beside them.

What Is Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety refers to distress or fear when a child is separated from their primary caregiver. It often shows up around ages 6 months to 3 years, but can also appear in older children, especially during life changes such as starting school, moving house, or after a stressful event.

While some anxiety is developmentally appropriate, persistent or intense fear about being apart may indicate Separation Anxiety Disorder. This affects about 4–5% of children, according to the Royal Children’s Hospital Melbourne, and may need further support.

Common Signs to Look For

• Crying, tantrums, or clinginess at drop-offs
• Physical complaints (e.g. tummy aches) when anticipating separation
• Fear that something bad will happen to a parent
• Trouble sleeping alone or in their own room
• Avoidance of school, daycare, or social events

What Causes It?

Separation anxiety can be triggered by:

• Developmental stages (especially toddlers and preschoolers)
• Big life changes (new school, new sibling, family stress)
• Parental anxiety – children are highly sensitive to their caregivers’ emotional states
• Attachment disruptions or past experiences of instability or loss

How to Support Your Child (Without Reinforcing the Fear)

1. Stay Calm, Confident and Consistent

Your child looks to you to gauge whether they’re safe. If your goodbye is full of guilt or hesitation, they may feel more unsure. Offer a short, warm goodbye and reassure them:

“I know you’re feeling worried, but I’ll be back after story time, just like always.” Consistency builds trust. As much as possible, keep routines predictable and transitions smooth.

2. Create a Goodbye Ritual

Rituals provide a sense of control and comfort. It might be a secret handshake, a special phrase, or a hug-kiss-wave combo. Familiar rituals create safety and signal that separation is manageable.

3. Don’t Sneak Away

While it might avoid a scene in the moment, disappearing without saying goodbye can increase anxiety over time. Your child may become hypervigilant, unsure of when you’ll leave next. Saying goodbye, clearly and lovingly, helps them build security.

4. Practise Small Separations

Start with short, low-stress separations, like playing in another room or staying with a trusted relative. Gradually build up their confidence. Praise their efforts gently:

“You played with Nana while I went to the shops, that was brave!” This technique, known as exposure and response prevention, is used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help children face fears gradually.

5. Use Books and Stories

Storytelling helps kids make sense of big feelings. Books like “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst or “Owl Babies” by Martin Waddell normalise separation and reassure children that love remains even when you’re apart.

6. Check Your Own Anxiety

Sometimes, without realising, our own discomfort with separation can feed our child’s fear. Reflect gently:

• Do I feel guilty leaving them?
• Do I fear they can’t cope without me?
• Am I over-reassuring or hovering?

Children are incredibly perceptive. If you can hold steady emotionally, it helps them feel safe enough to let go.

When to Seek Extra Support

If separation anxiety is persistent, worsening, or starting to affect school attendance, sleep, or social life, it may be time to seek help.

Speak to:

• Your child’s teacher or early educator
• A child psychologist or counsellor
• Your GP or paediatrician

Supporting a child with separation anxiety can feel like walking a tightrope, balancing empathy with boundaries, comfort with courage. But the very fact that you’re asking how to help already makes a difference.

You don’t need to fix the fear overnight. You just need to be present, predictable, and patient. Every drop-off, every “I’ll see you soon,” every time you follow through with your return, it’s all building a foundation of trust your child will stand on for years to come.

Because learning to separate with confidence doesn’t mean loving less, it means feeling safe enough to explore the world, knowing love will always be there when they return.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva