Susan Woodworth from Walk and Talk Psychology discusses Child Psychology and what certain unresolved emotions look like in adulthood.

Life Colours Your Emotion

“While your feelings are true and valid, they don’t always reflect reality or the truth of the situation,” began Susan.

The Roadmap of Feelings

Feelings of loneliness do not necessarily indicate actual isolation.

“If you’re feeling lonely, it doesn’t mean that you have no friends or that no one wants to talk to you,” she explained, “Loneliness is actually just a sign or a guide. I think of it like a roadmap, a street sign, and it’s pointing you to what you need.

She argued it is actually a way to guide you to connection. 

Boundaries Crossed

Susan said that anger isn’t necessarily a response to being wronged, but rather our boundaries being crossed. 

“Anger comes down to boundaries,” she said, listing further emotions that can often be misunderstood. 

“Shame might be self-compassion you need to be kind to yourself and resentment might mean you need to look at that person that you need to forgive.”

Created to Create

For feelings of emptiness, Susan encouraged a creative outlet to fill that void.

“Anxiety or stress might be telling you to slow down, one thing at a time, and to breathe.”

Recognise the Feeling

Stepping back to figure out what you are feeling creates a space between you and that emotion, said Susan.

“This is so that you don’t get swept up with your emotions and swept away with the whole thing, you create that distance first and recognize that feeling.

Another Point of View

“The second stage is then like a fact-finding exploration,” she continued, “So, it’s curious, gentle questioning, looking for other viewpoints. “Susan said that this can be very useful for children to process and regulate as they look to understand why parents might show certain emotions. It is curious and gentle questioning.

“Maybe my mum isn’t angry at me because I was naughty this morning, maybe she’s just rushing because we’re late for school and she’s not mad at all.”

Feedback for Problem Solving

Finally, Susan outlined the important last step in gathering that information; to feed it back to ourselves and work toward a solution.

“We’ve got to look at it from different angles and then feed it back to ourselves,” she encouraged, “Work out what you need to problem solve.” 

“After you’ve done that,” she concluded, “You have a compass of where you’re supposed to go. Go in that direction.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

Feature image: Canva

We all know someone we’d describe as “cool.” Maybe it’s a celebrity, a friend, or even a character from a movie. But what really makes someone cool? Is it just a leather jacket and sunglasses, or is there something deeper?

Psychologist Dr Marny Lishman unpacks the science behind coolness, based on a global study from the University of Arizona.

Being Cool Isn’t Just About Looks

“When we think of the word cool, I think of the Fonz,” said Marny. “It’s the leather jacket, the slicked-back hair, that kind of thing.” But the research suggests that coolness goes far beyond appearance.

Across 12 culturally diverse countries and nearly 6,000 participants, the study found common personality traits that define cool. According to Dr Lishman, “Extroversion was a big one. People who are more outgoing, adventurous, open, powerful, and self-directed were seen as cool.”

Coolness = Charisma + Rebellion

Cool people often stand out. They break the rules. They take risks.

“They’re boundary pushers,” Dr Lishman explained. “They influence trends and challenge social norms because they defy convention.” 

Think Tom Cruise or Maverick from Top Gun. “He’s the ultimate cool wild boy,” she said. “He’s nearly always getting fired, but we aspire to be like him.”

But There’s a Difference Between Being Cool and Being Good

Cool people might be rebellious and independent, but “good” people tend to be warm, calm, and community-focused.

“Cool individuals are more rebellious and autonomous,” Marny said. “Good individuals are more traditional, conforming, and conscientious.”

This contrast reveals an inner tension. “We look up to cool people,” she noted, “but we often prefer the company of good people.”

The Role of Social Media

Social media heavily influences who we see as cool. “It’s skewed so much of reality,” said Marny. “We’re often influenced not because we like something, but because it’s put in our face all the time.”

She pointed out that algorithms create echo chambers. “They shape and inform who we think we are. The more we see someone, the more we think they’re cool even if they’re not.”

Authenticity Is Making a Comeback

Dr Lishman believes we’re heading toward a shift. “People are complaining about fakery and filters,” she said. “We’re going to want more realness. More authenticity.”

That desire for honesty extends even to those we admire. “When cool people make mistakes, we want them to own it,” she said. “We want them to be vulnerable.”

Can Coolness Be a Mask?

Yes, and often it is. “We act sometimes,” Dr Lishman admitted. “But the more you align with who you truly are, the better you’re going to feel.”

She encouraged people to aim for authenticity over performance. “It’s less exhausting. Try to be a good person, not just a cool one.”

The Bottom Line

Being cool may draw attention, but being good builds connection. And ultimately, most of us crave connection more than admiration.

“You can be cool,” said Marny, “but always make sure you bring back those good qualities like warmth and connection and use them for good.”

In a world filled with trends, filters, and facades, that might just be the coolest thing of all.

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

Feature image: Canva

The habit of prioritising others’ needs over your own is often misunderstood as purely negative — as if it only means saying yes too often or avoiding disagreement at all costs.

In reality, this behaviour can also reflect a natural expression of agreeableness, one of the Big Five personality traits extensively studied in psychology.

Agreeableness includes qualities such as kindness, empathy, cooperativeness, and a strong motivation to maintain harmony in relationships. Individuals with high levels of this trait tend to be warm, compassionate, and willing to support others, which can lead to actions aimed at making others feel comfortable and valued. In this way, such tendencies embody positive social values like trust, cooperation, and altruism.

When People Pleasing Goes Beyond Its Positive Intentions

While agreeableness encourages prosocial behaviour and smooth social interactions, it can sometimes become burdensome. This occurs when the desire to accommodate others or avoid conflict outweighs one’s personal needs and boundaries. Over time, this imbalance may cause stress, exhaustion, or feelings of resentment.

Research in personality psychology shows that traits such as agreeableness influence the automatic ways we respond to others. Those with higher levels of this trait often react swiftly and naturally with cooperation and compromise, sometimes before fully considering their own stance. Though beneficial in many situations, this tendency can make it difficult to pause and assert one’s limits when necessary.

Building Awareness and New Responses to People Pleasing

Developing greater self-awareness is the first step in managing these patterns—paying attention not only to what you agree to, but understanding the reasons behind your choices. It’s important to distinguish between genuine kindness and actions driven by fears like rejection or conflict avoidance.

Recognising this difference creates space to respond differently. You might practise setting gentle but firm boundaries, clearly expressing your needs, or taking time to consider decisions rather than reacting immediately. With patience and practice, it becomes possible to balance the strengths of agreeableness—such as empathy and warmth—with greater self-respect and resilience, fostering more authentic and sustainable relationships.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

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You tell yourself you’ll do it tomorrow. But tomorrow keeps moving. You keep avoiding the email. The conversation. The decision. The feeling. Instead, you scroll.

You stay busy. You say you’re fine. And for a moment, the pressure eases.

But eventually… the thing comes back. The task. The tension. The unresolved emotion, still waiting, right where you left it.

This is avoidance. And while it gives you short-term relief, it often creates long-term pain. The truth is: what you avoid doesn’t disappear. It quietly grows, heavier, and more emotionally loaded with each passing day.

In psychology, avoidance refers to any behaviour we use to escape emotional discomfort. Whether it’s procrastination, emotional numbing, or social withdrawal, it all comes down to this: we avoid because we’re trying to protect ourselves.

Dr. Steven Hayes, founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), puts it this way:

“The single biggest predictor of long-term suffering is experiential avoidance, the ongoing attempt to avoid unwanted internal experiences.”

Avoidance isn’t laziness. It’s not a flaw in your character. It’s your nervous system responding to threat. Your brain interpreting discomfort as danger. And that makes sense, especially if you’ve been through trauma, burnout, or long periods of stress.

Avoidance doesn’t always look like running away. Sometimes it looks like:

• Procrastination — putting off tasks because starting feels overwhelming
• Over-busyness — filling your schedule so you don’t have to think or feel
• Emotional numbing — escaping into Netflix, alcohol, work, food, or scrolling
• Conflict avoidance — saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t
• Withdrawing from help — skipping therapy, ignoring messages, isolating

At its core, avoidance whispers: “If I don’t face this, I won’t feel pain.” But here’s the catch: The pain doesn’t go away — it just changes shape.

Why We Avoid (And Why It Makes Sense)

Avoidance is hardwired. It’s part of your threat response system, governed by the amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm bell.

In threatening situations, it’s adaptive to fight, flee, or freeze. And when your brain perceives a difficult conversation or buried emotion as threatening, avoidance kicks in. You retreat to safety.

“Avoidance is an emotion regulation strategy. It works… until it doesn’t.”

— Dr. Susan David, Harvard Psychologist & author of Emotional Agility

When we avoid something, and experience relief, our brain gives us a dopamine hit. That immediate drop in stress reinforces the behaviour. So next time we feel discomfort, our brain suggests: Let’s just avoid again. This feedback loop strengthens the connection between discomfort and avoidance, while weakening our tolerance for challenge.

The Cost of Avoidance

What starts as protection often becomes a trap. Research shows that experiential avoidance is strongly associated with anxiety, depression, and reduced psychological flexibility (Kashdan, Barrios, & Forsyth, 2006). Over time, the costs add up:

• Increased anxiety — avoided tasks or feelings become scarier in your mind
• Decreased self-trust — you stop believing you can handle hard things
• Missed opportunities — growth, healing, connection pass by
• Emotional suppression — which research shows is linked to higher stress, poor immune function, and even physical illness (Gross & Levenson, 1997)
• Strained relationships — when honesty, repair, and vulnerability are avoided

Avoidance can keep you feeling stuck in the waiting room of your own life, safe, but not fulfilled. Protected, but not free.

So, What’s the Alternative? Gentle Exposure + Values-Based Action

You don’t have to bulldoze your way through fear. You don’t have to confront every emotion all at once. But you do need to begin turning toward what matters — gently, and with intention.

This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and exposure science offer real hope. These approaches aren’t about “getting over it.” They’re about getting into it — slowly, kindly, and meaningfully.

1. Name the Avoidance

Start by getting honest: What exactly are you avoiding? A task? A decision? A memory? An emotion? Don’t judge it. Just name it. Research in exposure therapy shows that naming the fear begins to reduce its intensity. (Foa & Kozak, 1986)

2. Notice the Emotion Underneath

Ask yourself:

• What do I feel when I even think about doing this?
• What story is my mind telling me?

Often, it’s not just the task — it’s fear of failure, shame, guilt, or the belief: “I can’t cope.”Psychologist Kristin Neff reminds us: “We need to meet our pain with compassion before we can transform it.”

3. Ask What Matters

Instead of asking, “How do I avoid pain?”, ask:

• “What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?”
• “What would courage, not fear, choose right now?”
• “What does this situation invite me to grow into?”

4. Take One Small Step (With Fear in Tow)

Not a leap. Not a sprint. A small, doable step.

• Open the bill
• Start the email
• Sit with the sadness for two minutes
• Say, “Can we talk?”
• Speak the boundary, even if your voice shakes

These micro-movements matter. Exposure therapy research shows that gradual, repeated contact with feared experiences reduces avoidance and increases distress tolerance over time (Craske et al., 2008).

5. Celebrate with Meaning, Not Relief

After doing the hard thing, don’t just say, “Glad that’s over.” Say, “That was brave. I showed up. I chose growth.” Reinforce the identity you’re building, someone who does hard things with heart.

Avoidance isn’t the enemy. But if it’s quietly running the show, it might be keeping you stuck, not protected. What you avoid doesn’t just wait. It grows in power, in pressure, in emotional weight.

And you? You shrink a little every time you turn away from what matters most. You don’t need to be fearless. You don’t need to get it perfect. You just need to take one small, honest, values-aligned step.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

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Do you find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no?

Do you keep quiet when you should speak up, or overextend yourself to keep others happy? As Christians, we are called to love, serve, and be selfless—but sometimes, what we call sacrifice is actually self-abandonment. Not all giving is good.

People-pleasing is common among believers who want to reflect Christ’s love. We feel responsible for others, we don’t want to disappoint, and we tell ourselves that saying no is selfish. But the truth is, constantly giving at the expense of your own well-being is not wisdom—it is fear disguised as faith.

At its core, people-pleasing doesn’t come from strength—it comes from insecurity: fear of disappointing others; fear of being seen as selfish; fear of losing love and acceptance.

The Fine Line Between Self-Sacrifice and Self-Abandonment

Self-sacrifice is a biblical principle. Jesus laid down His life for us, and we are called to love others as He loved us.

But Jesus’ love was purposeful, not performative. It was deeply sacrificial, yet never rooted in fear or obligation.

There is a crucial difference between Christ-like love and unhealthy people-pleasing:

• True self-sacrifice is led by wisdom. People-pleasing is led by fear.
• Serving from love brings joy and fulfilment. Serving from fear leads to exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of self.

Even Jesus—the ultimate model of sacrificial love—set boundaries. He stepped away from the crowds to rest and pray (Luke 5:16), said no when people’s demands didn’t align with His mission (Mark 1:35-38), and disappointed expectations without guilt. He never let the approval of others dictate His purpose. If Jesus didn’t live to please people, why should we?

Why Are Christians Prone to People-Pleasing?

For many believers, people-pleasing is not just a habit—it is a deeply ingrained belief system.

Many Christians have been raised to think that saying no is unloving, that setting boundaries is selfish, and that putting others first means never prioritising their own well-being.

Some of the common roots of Christian people-pleasing include:

• Misunderstood teachings on selflessness – Taking “deny yourself” (Luke 9:23) to mean that personal needs should always be ignored.
• Fear of disappointing others – Avoiding conflict or saying no because it feels unchristian to let people down.
• Over-responsibility for others’ emotions – Feeling that keeping the peace or making others happy is a personal duty.
• Spiritual guilt – Believing that saying yes to everything is the most faithful response, even when it leads to burnout.

But God never called His people to burnout. Sacrifice without wisdom is not faith—it is self-destruction.

The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing

People-pleasing often starts with good intentions but can have serious spiritual, emotional, and physical consequences:

• Chronic Exhaustion and Resentment
  Always giving without limits leads to burnout. Over time, exhaustion turns into quiet resentment—yet many feel guilty even acknowledging it.
• Loss of Identity
  When your faith becomes centred on meeting others’ expectations, you lose touch with your personal calling. Who are you beyond what others expect? More importantly, who has God called you to be?
• Weak or Nonexistent Boundaries
  Many Christians struggle to set boundaries because they confuse them with selfishness. But Proverbs 4:23 reminds us to guard our hearts, for everything we do flows from it. Healthy relationships require healthy limits.
• Spiritual Burnout
  When serving others becomes driven by guilt instead of love, faith starts feeling like a heavy burden rather than a source of joy. God never asked for performance-driven faith—He desires a relationship built on grace.
• Distorted Understanding of Love and Obedience
  True love includes honesty, authenticity, and limits. Jesus loved people deeply, but He was not endlessly available. He cared without enabling, gave without overextending, and served without self-abandonment.

Breaking Free: How to Stop People-Pleasing

If this pattern has been part of your life for years, it won’t change overnight. But God calls His people to freedom, not fear. 2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us that He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind.

1. Start Small with Boundaries

If saying no feels overwhelming, begin by pausing before committing. Try phrases like:

• “I appreciate you asking, but I can’t commit to that right now.”
• “I care about you, but I have to say no this time.”

2. Get Comfortable with Discomfort

Not everyone will like your boundaries. That’s okay. Others’ disappointment is not your responsibility—your obedience to God’s calling is. Galatians 1:10 reminds us that if we are trying to please people, we are not truly serving Christ.

3. Challenge the Guilt

When guilt arises, ask:

• Am I actually doing something wrong, or am I just uncomfortable?
• Would I expect someone else to feel guilty for setting this boundary?
• What is this guilt trying to protect me from?

4. Redefine Love and Kindness

Love is not endless availability or constant accommodation. True love is rooted in wisdom, honesty, and balance. If Jesus walked away to rest, set boundaries, and said no to people’s demands, why should we expect ourselves to do otherwise?

5. Reconnect with Your Calling

If your life has been shaped by pleasing others, it’s time to ask:

• What has God actually called me to do?
• Am I serving out of joy or obligation?
• Who am I when I’m resting in God’s love, rather than striving for approval?

People-pleasing is not a biblical virtue. Living for the approval of others will never bring true peace—it will only lead to exhaustion. God did not call you to be everything for everyone. He called you to be faithful, wise, and whole. A life built on constant approval-seeking leads to burnout, while a life built on obedience to God brings freedom.

It’s time to stop hustling for validation and start living from a place of true belonging—not because others approve, but because God already has.

About the Author: About the author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spend her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

Feature image: Photo by tabitha turner on Unsplash