It’s 9pm. You’ve had a long day and you’re standing in front of your open refrigerator. You know you’re not hungry. You know you said you’d stop late-night snacking. But somehow, you watch your hand reach out for the ice cream or leftover pizza. 

Later, lying in bed, you get mad at yourself. “What is wrong with me? Why don’t I have more willpower?”

Here’s the truth that might surprise you—willpower isn’t your problem. In fact, willpower as we understand it might not even be real—or at least, not in the way we think.

The Story We Tell About Willpower

For most of us, willpower feels real. It’s the thing we’re supposed to call upon when temptation strikes—the thing that separates people who achieve their goals from those who don’t. When we succeed at something difficult, we credit our determination. When we fail, we blame our weak will.

This story is deeply embedded in Western culture. Ancient Greek philosophers talked about self-control. Medieval scholars linked willpower to moral character. Victorian thinkers saw it as the foundation of discipline and virtue. Even today, we admire people with an “iron will” and shame ourselves for lacking it.

The concept is appealing because it seems to match our subjective experience. When you don’t eat that second slice of cake, it feels like you’re flexing some internal strength. When you give in, it feels like that strength has failed. 

But what if that feeling is misleading? And what if the whole framework is wrong?

It’s Too Vague to Be Useful

Ask 10 people what willpower means, and you’ll get 10 different answers. Is it resisting temptation? Persevering through difficulty? Following through on a commitment? Possessing a good character?

This vagueness makes willpower a useless concept for change. When something can mean almost anything, it explains almost nothing.

Recent research suggests that what we call “willpower” is actually a collection of different mental processes—impulse control, persistence, emotional regulation, habit strength and more. There’s no single “willpower switch” to flip.

The “Limited Tank” Theory 

You may have heard willpower described like a muscle—it gets tired with overuse, so after a day of resisting temptations, you simply run out. This “ego depletion” theory was popular for a while, but studies have found little evidence for it.

What does seem to matter is what you believe about willpower. People who think willpower is unlimited show better self-regulation than those who think it runs out. In other words, believing your willpower is depleted can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

And the opposite is also true—believing you have bucketloads of willpower can help you. But it’s not willpower doing the heavy lifting; it’s what you believe about yourself.

The Blame Game

The thing I most dislike about the willpower story is that it places all the responsibility on you as an individual, while ignoring all the other things that influence behavioural change. 

I’ve been a psychologist for the better part of 30 years and one thing I’ve come to appreciate is how much the things around you matter—where you live, who you live with, the opportunities you have and the resources you have at your disposal. It all makes a difference.

Is it easier to avoid eating biscuits when they’re in a jar on your kitchen counter or when they’re still on the supermarket shelf? Is it easier to go to the gym when it’s two minutes from home or half an hour’s drive? Is it easier to change a habit when your friends are doing the same, or when they’re still doing what you’re trying to stop?

Your environment matters enormously. So do your skills and knowledge. So does whether the change aligns with what you truly value, not just what you think you should want.

When we frame everything as a willpower problem, we overlook these other factors. Worse, when we struggle—as we almost always do at some stage—we conclude that we’re weak or flawed, rather than recognising that the conditions for change weren’t in place.

This self-blame creates shame. And shame is one of the biggest barriers to meaningful change because it makes us less likely to seek help or be honest about our struggles.

It Doesn’t Explain How We Keep Things Going

Most successful behaviour change doesn’t feel like an act of will after a while.

When you first start exercising, it might require significant mental effort to get yourself to the gym. But after several months, it usually becomes automatic. That’s not because your willpower got stronger—it’s because you built a habit that matters to you.

Think about brushing your teeth. I’m certain you don’t use willpower for that. It’s become a stable routine, most likely paired with another routine—like what you do after breakfast or before you go to bed—and it communicates important information about who you are. Ie, I’m someone who looks after my teeth).

So if willpower isn’t the answer, what is? Modern psychology offers far more useful frameworks.

Understand Your Emotions

Many behaviours we might see as willpower failures are actually “emotional regulation” challenges. You’re not eating because you’re weak-willed; you’re eating because you’re stressed and haven’t learned other ways to comfort yourself. You’re not avoiding the gym because you’re lazy; you’re avoiding it because exercise triggers anxiety about your body, feelings of physical discomfort or because you worry about all the things you’re not doing while you’re at the gym.

When you learn to identify and work with your emotions—rather than ignoring them and trying to “will” yourself to act—change becomes much easier.

Redesign Your Environment

Make the healthy choice the easy choice. This is the principle behind “nudging”—making small changes to your environment that guide you toward better decisions.

Want to eat more vegetables? Put them at eye level in your fridge and pre-chop them so they’re ready to go. Want to read more? Put your phone in another room and leave a book on your coffee table or pillow. Want to save money? Set up automatic transfers on pay day so you just don’t see the money in your account. Small changes like this make new behaviours much easier.

Build Skill, Not Will

Sometimes what we call a willpower gap is actually a skill gap. You don’t lack the will to eat healthily—you lack the skill to cook or meal plan. You don’t lack the will to manage your money; you lack the skill to budget, or simply financial literacy.

Seeing change in this way gives you something to act on. Skills can be learned. But you can’t simply “will” yourself to have more will.

A More Compassionate Way Forward

The willpower story is seductive because it’s simple and because it aligns with a lot of societal, cultural and even religious messages we’ve been raised with. But it makes change feel like a moral test you’re always failing. It keeps you stuck in cycles of self-blame instead of solving problems.

The good news is you don’t need more willpower. Here’s what you need to do:

• Address the emotions driving unwanted behaviours
• Design environments that support your goals
• Build habits that make good choices easier
• Develop specific skills for specific challenges
• Connect your actions to values that matter to you

This approach treats yourself as a whole person navigating complex circumstances, not as a moral failure who just needs to “try harder.”

So next next time you find yourself standing at the refrigerator at 9pm, instead of asking, “Why don’t I have more willpower?” ask, “What emotion am I trying to manage right now?”

Once you’ve answered that, then ask, “How else can I satisfy that need?”

Those questions will lead you somewhere useful—to greater understanding of yourself and your needs. The willpower question just leads to shame. And you know you deserve better than that.

Want To Know More?

If you’re interested in exploring these ideas further, here are some great books that challenge the willpower myth and offer practical alternatives to managing change in your life:

Atomic Habits by James Clear

Tiny Habits by BJ Fogg

Switch: How to Change When Change Is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath

The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal

Mindset by Carol Dweck

Article provided by Signs of The Times Magazine

Simon Matthews is a psychologist and leadership coach. He is a dual Fellow of both the American College and the Australasian Society of Lifestyle Medicine. He is an adjunct lecturer at Avondale University Lifestyle Medicine & Health Research Centre. He loves talking about his passions of travelling and cooking. He writes from Madrid, Spain.

Feature image: Canva