Most of us would rather do anything than sit with painful feelings. We scroll, snack, overthink, or keep busy, because sitting with sadness, anger, or shame can often feel unbearable.

Learning to stay present with emotions is one of the most powerful skills we can develop to support our mental health.

Why Sitting with Emotions is So Hard

As a psychologist, I see that much of my work involves supporting clients with emotional regulation. This simply means helping people build resilience and confidence in their ability to tolerate, understand, and manage big feelings without avoiding them. And it’s definitely not an easy skill to master!

Most of us don’t like sitting with difficult thoughts, feelings or sensations because they feel so uncomfortable. Over time, we develop elaborate strategies to avoid them, but ironically, these strategies often lead to even more difficult feelings later on.

Some common avoidance patterns include:

• Intellectualising or overthinking
• Comfort eating or overeating
• Oversleeping
• Staying constantly busy
• Doomscrolling or excessive screen time
• Focusing on helping others to avoid your own feelings

Why It’s Worth Learning to Stay Present

Avoidance gives temporary relief, but it distances us from our inner world and keeps us stuck. Learning to pause and notice our emotions allows us to process them safely, receive their underlying messages, and feel more grounded in ourselves.

When I say “sit with your emotions,” I mean this: when a strong feeling creeps up, pause. Name it. Sit quietly with it for a moment, acknowledging it with compassion and curiosity, rather than quickly sidestepping it. Emotions carry valuable information about our needs and values. Learning to stay present and track our feelings helps us listen to that wisdom directly.

How to Sit with Difficult Emotions

This isn’t about forcing yourself to feel bad or remaining in a state of pain for the sake of it. It’s about building trust in yourself to handle emotions safely, one small step at a time. Here are some gentle practices to get started:

1. Slow It Down

The urge to avoid strong feelings is often automatic. Slowing down and pausing helps us bring awareness to the feeling and the protective behaviour we may be tempted to use. This step often begins with finding a safe place – perhaps your bedroom, your car, or a calming spot in nature.

2. Name the Feeling

Sorting through mixed emotions can take practice, as we often feel more than one emotion at once. Naming them (“I feel sad and anxious”) helps you feel more grounded and reduces their intensity.

3. Notice It in Your Body

Grounding an emotion in bodily sensations helps you “sit with” it more fully. For example, frustration might show up as tension in the jaw, or sadness as heaviness in the chest. Try to support your body in staying regulated when a tough emotion shows up. This might be wrapping yourself with a warm blanket, sitting in the sun, or doing a short breathing exercise.

4. Find Expression

Giving emotions room to move can feel uncomfortable at first, but it often brings relief and even healing later on. This might look like crying, journaling, meditating, or simply sitting quietly with yourself.

5. Acknowledge with Compassion and Curiosity

Compassion and curiosity are superpowers when it comes to discomfort. Turning toward feelings with this mindset helps you understand your internal world rather than running from it. Emotions often point to unmet needs or values that you can redirect to once you’re feeling more regulated and resourced.

So, the next time a big emotion shows up and you feel the urge to distract yourself on your phone, rather try taking a pause. Give yourself a moment to really sit with your experience and listen to what it might be telling you. Even a few moments of pausing can help you feel more in tune with yourself.

Over time, sitting with emotions becomes less scary and more like a process of deepening self-awareness.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre For Effective Living

About the Author: Michelle Nortje (M.A. Clin Psych, B.Psych Hons, B.Ed.Psych Hons, BA) is focused on establishing a therapeutic relationship that is safe, trusting and supportive. Michelle aims to use integrated psychological tools and approaches in order to help her clients make sense of their difficulties, gain insight into their patterns of behaviour and relating, and work towards co-constructed and workable goals. She uses Solution Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT), Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), Positive Psychology, mindfulness-based approaches, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), Attachment theories and psychodynamic theories in order to tailor the therapy to best suit the client’s needs.

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As a psychologist, I often talk with clients about the different ways people process their emotions.

Some individuals tend to direct their feelings inward, while others express them outwardly. These tendencies are often described as internalising and externalising. Neither is inherently good or bad, but understanding where you or a loved one might fall on this spectrum, can help with self-awareness and emotional well-being.

What Is Internalising?

People who internalise their emotions tend to keep their struggles to themselves. They might experience:

• Persistent worry or self-criticism
• Feelings of sadness, guilt, or shame that are not easily expressed to others
• A tendency to withdraw from social situations when feeling overwhelmed
• Physical symptoms of stress, such as headaches or stomach aches

If internalising is not addressed, it can lead to long-term mental health challenges such as chronic anxiety, depression, or even physical health issues due to prolonged stress. Over time, individuals may struggle with low self-esteem, social isolation, and difficulty expressing needs or setting boundaries in relationships.

What Is Externalising?

In contrast, externalisers express their emotions outwardly. They might:

• React quickly with frustration or anger when upset
• Struggle with impulse control, leading to conflict in relationships
• Express their feelings through actions rather than words (e.g., shouting, slamming doors, or physical restlessness)
• Seem less aware of internal emotional states, focusing more on external circumstances

If externalising is not managed, it can result in strained relationships, difficulty maintaining employment or academic success, and potential issues with aggression or risk-taking behaviours. Over time, these individuals may develop patterns that make it harder to regulate emotions, leading to ongoing interpersonal and professional challenges.

Finding Balance

Most people do not fit neatly into one category; rather, they may lean toward internalising or externalising depending on the situation. The key is finding balance:

• If you internalise, practice expressing emotions in safe ways, such as through creative outlets, movement, or direct communication. One helpful exercise is expressive writing; setting a timer for 10 minutes and writing freely about your thoughts and feelings without judgment. For more info on journalling about our emotions, have a look at this resource from Lifeline Australia.
• If you externalise, work on slowing down your reactions and increasing awareness of underlying emotions before acting. A useful technique is a pause-and-breathe method; before responding to a situation, take a deep breath, count to five, and reflect on how you want to express yourself. Additional breathing techniques can be found here, the most important thing is to find one that works for you.
• Mindfulness practices can benefit both people who internalise and externalise by fostering greater emotional awareness and self-regulation. Techniques such as guided meditation, grounding exercises, or body scans can help reconnect with emotions in a balanced way. One place to start could be the use of a mindfulness app or resource such as Smiling Mind or take a look at our recent blog on mindfulness.

Embracing Emotional Awareness with Self-Compassion

It’s important to remember that both internalising and externalising are ways of coping with emotions. Rather than labelling these tendencies as right or wrong, we can approach them with curiosity and self-compassion. By understanding our emotional styles, we can work toward a healthier, more balanced way of processing and regulating our feelings.

If this resonates with you, consider reflecting on your own patterns. How do you typically handle emotions? What small steps could help you feel more in control and supported? Awareness is the first step toward meaningful change.

If you find yourself struggling with emotional processing and would like professional support, speaking with a psychologist can provide valuable guidance and strategies tailored to your needs. You don’t have to navigate this alone, help is available

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

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Many Christians assume that spiritual growth and emotional maturity naturally go hand in hand. They believe that knowing the Bible, attending church, and praying regularly will automatically develop the emotional depth and wisdom needed to navigate life well.

But in reality, spiritual knowledge does not always translate to emotional health.

Just as people grow physically from infants to adults, they also go through different stages of emotional development—and some get stuck along the way.

It is possible to be spiritually strong yet emotionally reactive, unable to handle criticism, navigate conflict well, or communicate needs in a healthy way.

Paul reminds us in 1 Corinthians 13:11, “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” Spiritual growth is essential, but so is emotional growth.

So how does a person move from emotional infancy to emotional adulthood? How can someone become not just spiritually mature, but emotionally whole?

The following four stages of emotional development help clarify what it means to truly grow into emotional maturity.

Emotional Infants: Dependent and Reactive

Just as physical infants depend entirely on others for their needs, emotional infants expect others to take care of them emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually.

They struggle to process their emotions on their own and often look to others to regulate their feelings.

Signs of Emotional Infancy:

• Struggle to take responsibility for their emotions, expecting others to make them feel better
• Have difficulty entering into the world of others, often making conversations about themselves
• Are driven by instant gratification, making decisions based on what feels good in the moment rather than what is wise

Take Lucy for example. She struggles with insecurity, and whenever she feels down, she expects her friends to boost her self-esteem. If they do not respond quickly enough or do not give her the encouragement she wants, she pulls away and isolates herself, assuming they do not care. Instead of learning to bring her worries to God, she relies entirely on others for emotional stability.

How to grow past this stage:

• Learn to self-soothe—rather than waiting for others to make things better, bring emotions before God. Psalm 62:8 reminds us, “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.”
• Recognise that maturity means delayed gratification—not every need has to be met immediately
• Practise listening to others rather than focusing only on personal emotions

Emotional Children: Happy When Things Go Their Way

Emotional children function well when life is comfortable, but when challenges arise, they struggle. They take offence easily, avoid difficult conversations, and react impulsively to disappointment. Rather than seeking understanding or growth, they often become defensive or withdraw when things don’t go their way.

Signs of Emotional Childhood:

• Unravel quickly when experiencing stress, trials, or disappointment
• Take disagreements personally, assuming others are against them
• Are easily hurt or offended by criticism
• Struggle to express their needs clearly and maturely—often withdrawing, manipulating, complaining, or becoming sarcastic instead

Michael is part of the church worship team. When his leader asks someone else to sing the main song on Sunday, he feels personally rejected. Instead of discussing his feelings, he withdraws, avoids eye contact, and becomes passive-aggressive, hoping someone will notice and ask what is wrong. Rather than recognising that God calls different people at different times, he allows insecurity to take root.

How to grow past this stage:

• Learn to separate feelings from facts—just because something feels personal does not mean it is personal. Proverbs 19:11 says, “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”
• Instead of reacting impulsively, pause, reflect, and choose a mature response
• Practise clear, direct communication rather than withdrawing or expecting others to guess needs

Emotional Adolescents: Defensive and Self-Focused

Emotional adolescents tend to focus on their own needs and expectations in relationships. They struggle with criticism, keep score in friendships, and find conflict particularly difficult. When faced with challenges, they may either blame others, avoid the issue, or react in anger rather than engaging in healthy dialogue.

Signs of Emotional Adolescence:

• Are easily defensive, struggling to receive feedback or correction
• Feel threatened by criticism, seeing it as an attack rather than an opportunity to grow
• Keep score—if they give something, they expect something in return
• Struggle with conflict, often blaming, avoiding, or ignoring issues rather than dealing with them directly
• Find it hard to genuinely listen to others’ pain without making it about themselves

Jasmine always goes out of her way to help her friends. But when she needs support and they do not immediately offer it, she keeps score—reminding them how much she has done for them. Instead of expressing her needs honestly, she withdraws and becomes resentful, expecting them to notice and make it up to her. She struggles to give without expecting something in return, forgetting that true love is sacrificial.

How to grow past this stage:

• Practise receiving feedback without getting defensive—instead of reacting, pause and ask, “Is there truth in this?”Proverbs 27:6 reminds us, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”
• Learn to give without expecting in return—true love is not transactional. 1 Corinthians 13:5 reminds us that love “does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.”
• Focus on listening to understand, rather than listening to respond

Emotional Adults: Whole, Healthy, and Secure

Emotionally mature people take responsibility for their thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.

They do not blame others for how they feel, nor do they expect others to manage their emotions for them. Instead, they navigate relationships with wisdom, self-awareness, and grace—giving others room to be imperfect while maintaining their own boundaries.

Signs of Emotional Adulthood:

• Are able to ask for what they need—clearly, directly, and honestly
• Recognise, manage, and take responsibility for their own emotions
• Can state their own beliefs without being argumentative or defensive
• Respect others without needing to change them
• Give people room to make mistakes and extend grace when they fail
• Can assess their own strengths and weaknesses without insecurity
• Have the capacity to resolve conflict maturely, considering both their own perspective and others’

Daniel disagrees with a close friend about a theological issue. Instead of getting defensive or angry, he listens, expresses his perspective calmly, and respects his friend’s right to a different opinion. Even though they see things differently, their friendship remains intact because Daniel understands that love is bigger than agreement. He applies Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

How to continue growing in emotional maturity:

• Learn to self-regulate—take ownership of emotions rather than expecting others to fix them
• Give people grace, just as God gives grace
• Practise healthy conflict resolution—speak the truth in love, rather than avoiding hard conversations
• Choose growth over comfort—embrace challenges as opportunities to mature

Emotional maturity does not happen overnight—it is a process of growth, self-awareness, and transformation.

But the good news is that God is invested in each person’s emotional health.

He desires people to:

• Respond with wisdom instead of reacting in fear
• Love others deeply while maintaining strong boundaries
• Face challenges with courage instead of avoidance
• Speak the truth in love and extend grace to those who fail

Wherever someone is on the journey, they are not stuck there. With intentional growth, self-reflection, and God’s grace, it is possible to move from emotional infancy to emotional maturity—becoming a person who not only knows God’s Word but lives it out in the way they love, lead, and relate to others.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

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You tell yourself you’ll do it tomorrow. But tomorrow keeps moving. You keep avoiding the email. The conversation. The decision. The feeling. Instead, you scroll.

You stay busy. You say you’re fine. And for a moment, the pressure eases.

But eventually… the thing comes back. The task. The tension. The unresolved emotion, still waiting, right where you left it.

This is avoidance. And while it gives you short-term relief, it often creates long-term pain. The truth is: what you avoid doesn’t disappear. It quietly grows, heavier, and more emotionally loaded with each passing day.

In psychology, avoidance refers to any behaviour we use to escape emotional discomfort. Whether it’s procrastination, emotional numbing, or social withdrawal, it all comes down to this: we avoid because we’re trying to protect ourselves.

Dr. Steven Hayes, founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), puts it this way:

“The single biggest predictor of long-term suffering is experiential avoidance, the ongoing attempt to avoid unwanted internal experiences.”

Avoidance isn’t laziness. It’s not a flaw in your character. It’s your nervous system responding to threat. Your brain interpreting discomfort as danger. And that makes sense, especially if you’ve been through trauma, burnout, or long periods of stress.

Avoidance doesn’t always look like running away. Sometimes it looks like:

• Procrastination — putting off tasks because starting feels overwhelming
• Over-busyness — filling your schedule so you don’t have to think or feel
• Emotional numbing — escaping into Netflix, alcohol, work, food, or scrolling
• Conflict avoidance — saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t
• Withdrawing from help — skipping therapy, ignoring messages, isolating

At its core, avoidance whispers: “If I don’t face this, I won’t feel pain.” But here’s the catch: The pain doesn’t go away — it just changes shape.

Why We Avoid (And Why It Makes Sense)

Avoidance is hardwired. It’s part of your threat response system, governed by the amygdala, the brain’s emotional alarm bell.

In threatening situations, it’s adaptive to fight, flee, or freeze. And when your brain perceives a difficult conversation or buried emotion as threatening, avoidance kicks in. You retreat to safety.

“Avoidance is an emotion regulation strategy. It works… until it doesn’t.”

— Dr. Susan David, Harvard Psychologist & author of Emotional Agility

When we avoid something, and experience relief, our brain gives us a dopamine hit. That immediate drop in stress reinforces the behaviour. So next time we feel discomfort, our brain suggests: Let’s just avoid again. This feedback loop strengthens the connection between discomfort and avoidance, while weakening our tolerance for challenge.

The Cost of Avoidance

What starts as protection often becomes a trap. Research shows that experiential avoidance is strongly associated with anxiety, depression, and reduced psychological flexibility (Kashdan, Barrios, & Forsyth, 2006). Over time, the costs add up:

• Increased anxiety — avoided tasks or feelings become scarier in your mind
• Decreased self-trust — you stop believing you can handle hard things
• Missed opportunities — growth, healing, connection pass by
• Emotional suppression — which research shows is linked to higher stress, poor immune function, and even physical illness (Gross & Levenson, 1997)
• Strained relationships — when honesty, repair, and vulnerability are avoided

Avoidance can keep you feeling stuck in the waiting room of your own life, safe, but not fulfilled. Protected, but not free.

So, What’s the Alternative? Gentle Exposure + Values-Based Action

You don’t have to bulldoze your way through fear. You don’t have to confront every emotion all at once. But you do need to begin turning toward what matters — gently, and with intention.

This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and exposure science offer real hope. These approaches aren’t about “getting over it.” They’re about getting into it — slowly, kindly, and meaningfully.

1. Name the Avoidance

Start by getting honest: What exactly are you avoiding? A task? A decision? A memory? An emotion? Don’t judge it. Just name it. Research in exposure therapy shows that naming the fear begins to reduce its intensity. (Foa & Kozak, 1986)

2. Notice the Emotion Underneath

Ask yourself:

• What do I feel when I even think about doing this?
• What story is my mind telling me?

Often, it’s not just the task — it’s fear of failure, shame, guilt, or the belief: “I can’t cope.”Psychologist Kristin Neff reminds us: “We need to meet our pain with compassion before we can transform it.”

3. Ask What Matters

Instead of asking, “How do I avoid pain?”, ask:

• “What kind of person do I want to be in this moment?”
• “What would courage, not fear, choose right now?”
• “What does this situation invite me to grow into?”

4. Take One Small Step (With Fear in Tow)

Not a leap. Not a sprint. A small, doable step.

• Open the bill
• Start the email
• Sit with the sadness for two minutes
• Say, “Can we talk?”
• Speak the boundary, even if your voice shakes

These micro-movements matter. Exposure therapy research shows that gradual, repeated contact with feared experiences reduces avoidance and increases distress tolerance over time (Craske et al., 2008).

5. Celebrate with Meaning, Not Relief

After doing the hard thing, don’t just say, “Glad that’s over.” Say, “That was brave. I showed up. I chose growth.” Reinforce the identity you’re building, someone who does hard things with heart.

Avoidance isn’t the enemy. But if it’s quietly running the show, it might be keeping you stuck, not protected. What you avoid doesn’t just wait. It grows in power, in pressure, in emotional weight.

And you? You shrink a little every time you turn away from what matters most. You don’t need to be fearless. You don’t need to get it perfect. You just need to take one small, honest, values-aligned step.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

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Life can be messy. One moment you’re calm, and the next? You’re snapping at someone you love, spiralling in anxious thoughts, or shutting down completely. We’ve all been there.

Emotional reactions are a normal part of being human. But what truly matters is how we respond to them.

That’s where emotional regulation comes in.

Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed by stress, stuck in anxiety, or just exhausted from the everyday demands of life, emotional regulation isn’t about pretending to be fine. It’s not about stuffing things down or keeping a fake smile. It’s about understanding what you’re feeling and choosing how to move through it with kindness, courage, and clarity.

And the best part? These are skills you can learn, and they’ll serve you for life.

What Is Emotional Regulation, Really?

At its core, emotional regulation is your ability to manage your emotional responses—especially when life feels loud, fast, or overwhelming. It’s not about ignoring your emotions. It’s about learning to pause, reflect, and respond in a way that lines up with your values—not just your triggers.

Psychologist Dr. James Gross, a leader in this field, defines emotional regulation as: “A set of processes through which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express them.”

In other words, emotional regulation gives you the tools to respond with wisdom, instead of reacting out of habit. And the science backs it up: people with strong emotional regulation skills experience lower rates of anxiety and depression, better relationships, and greater resilience when life gets hard.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters

It improves relationships. When we can stay calm and communicate clearly, connection grows, and conflict becomes more constructive.

It supports mental health. Research shows that poor emotional regulation is strongly linked to increased anxiety, burnout, and depression.

It builds resilience. People who regulate their emotions well are more flexible, bounce back faster from setbacks, and feel more in control of their lives.

Put simply? Emotional regulation helps you show up as your best self—especially when life feels anything but.

5 Tools That Actually Help

These are tools real people use every day, grounded in psychological research and made practical for your everyday moments.

1. Name It to Tame It

The first step in regulating your emotions is knowing what you’re feeling. Neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “Name it to tame it.” When we label our emotions, like “I’m feeling overwhelmed” or “I’m really anxious right now”, our brain starts shifting out of panic mode and into problem-solving mode.

Try this: Instead of saying “I’m fine,” try saying: “I’m feeling frustrated because I didn’t get that email reply, and now I’m stressed.”

By naming the emotion, you take back control. Your emotion is real, but it doesn’t get to run the show.

2. Pause Before You React

There’s a sacred space between what happens and how you respond. And in that space lies your power.

When you’re triggered, your body often jumps into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. But just a short pause, 10 to 20 seconds, gives your logical brain (your prefrontal cortex) time to catch up.

Try this: Take three slow breaths. Step away if you need to. Ask yourself: “What do I need right now?” or “What would the wisest version of me do here?” Even a tiny pause can change everything.

3. Use Grounding Techniques

When your thoughts are racing or you feel like you’re spiralling, grounding brings you back into the here and now.

Try this: Use the 5-4-3-2-1 method:

• 5 things you can see
• 4 things you can touch
• 3 things you can hear
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste

This activates your parasympathetic nervous system, your body’s built-in “calm down” switch, and helps your brain remember: I am safe. I am here.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

So many of us are hard on ourselves when we feel big emotions. We label ourselves as “too sensitive” or “too much.” But shame doesn’t lead to change, compassion does.

Dr. Kristin Neff’s research shows that self-compassion is a powerful tool for emotional regulation, reducing anxiety and building resilience.

Self-compassion is simply treating yourself the way you’d treat a friend who’s having a hard time.” – Dr. Neff

5. Reframe Your Thoughts

The way you interpret what’s happening around you has a powerful influence on how you feel about it. This is a foundational principle in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)—the idea that our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours are deeply interconnected.

One of the most effective tools within CBT is called cognitive reappraisal. This simply means learning to reframe your thoughts—to gently shift your perspective in a way that reduces emotional distress, without denying your reality.

It’s not about toxic positivity or pretending everything is okay. It’s about choosing a truer, more helpful lens through which to view your experience.

Try this: Instead of thinking:“I can’t handle this.” Try telling yourself: “This is really hard, but I’ve faced hard things before, and I’ve grown through them.”

This subtle shift helps soothe your nervous system, regain perspective, and tap into your strength. You’re not brushing past the difficulty. You’re reminding yourself that you’re not powerless within it.

Reframing doesn’t change the situation, but it does change how you carry it. And that changes everything.

Let’s be clear, regulating your emotions doesn’t mean ignoring them. It means being with them in a wiser way. It means creating space between what you feel and how you respond, so that your words and actions reflect who you are, not just what you’re reacting to.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

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As a Psychologist, an important part of my role is helping my clients regulate emotions.

Human beings are equipped to experience a diverse array of feelings. Our emotions are normal and important. They help us in a variety of ways. However, sometimes we can experience distressing emotions that are hard to manage. In this blog I describe three emotion regulation strategies that I use as a Psychologist to assist individuals to regulate their emotions.

1. Label Emotions As States of Feeling, Not States of Being

We often treat emotions as states of being. We might say “I am anxious”, “I am so sad” or “I am absolutely furious”. One emotion regulation strategy is to describe our emotions as things to hold, rather than states that define you: “I am carrying anxiety”,  “I am sitting with sadness”, “I am holding anger”. This language shift helps you see that emotions are transient in nature and will ease over time.

2. Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary

You may have heard of the emotion regulation strategy “Name it to tame it”. Simply naming your emotions can increase your awareness of them and create distance, allowing you to regulate your feelings mindfully rather than reacting impulsively.

Expanding your emotional vocabulary can help you go beyond broad emotion categories to name your emotions in a specific and nuanced way. Emotions are data, so labelling our emotions accurately can help us identify the particular cause of how we feel and give us more information on what to do next. If you’re feeling happy, is it more of an optimism for the future or sense of pride in what you have done? If you’re feeling sad, can you describe the feeling as being disappointed in how someone treated you or powerless to make a change?

An emotion wheel is a helpful tool I often share with my clients to expand emotional vocabulary. Emotion wheels describe broad emotion umbrellas in the middle with the emotional categories becoming more nuanced moving outwards.

3. Reframe Emotions With Curiosity

Our emotions are real and worth paying attention to – but we also have control over how we reframe and interpret our emotions. Imagine you’re about to sit for a big exam. You see the exam paper in front of you, feel a surge in energy and a fluttering sensation in your stomach. You think to yourself “I’m feeling anxious”. But what if you pause with curiosity and ask yourself whether you are feeling another emotion too? You might find that you are also feeling energetic or determined.

There is amazing research that shows that when students are trained to recategorize what they called test anxiety as feeling determined, it makes the feeling of anxiety more manageable and it boosts their exam performance. What this research tells us is that human beings have the ability to reframe their emotion labels, which can help them regulate their emotions.

So, when you’re in an unfamiliar situation and you notice your heart beating faster, try being curious about whether you’re feeling excited as well as nervous. If you end a big day feeling like you’re seeing life through a negative lens, be curious about how much of that is because you’re fatigued instead of depressed. If you’re feeling more alert, I wonder if you’re feeling interested as well as some level of stress.

A Balanced Approach to Emotions

Our emotions are an important part of our lives that feed us important data and we shouldn’t ignore them or pretend they are not there. So be curious about your feelings. Although we can’t change our emotions like how we change our clothes, we might have more control over them than we think.

If you’d like to learn more about managing emotions, click here to read a four step guide to managing challenging emotions written specifically for teens.

Therapy is a great place to be curious and make sense of your feelings with professional support.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

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About the Author: Lauren Chee is a psychologist who understands the importance of forming a caring therapeutic relationship with her clients, and uses evidence-based skills that can lead to positive and lasting change. She has a special interest in anxiety-related disorders, OCD, social skills, parenting and attachment, child mental health and learning difficulties.