Choosing to forgive triggers the healing of our heart and emotions.

Relationship expert, Phil Ayres shares about the power of forgiveness in any relationship.

The Freedom of Forgiveness

“Forgiveness has a purpose,” began Phil, “It’s not just forgiving for the sake of forgiving, but forgiveness actually brings freedom when we practice that aspect of our relationship.”

Forgiveness stops hurt and resentment building up and weighing us down.

Phil said that the New Testament holds the central theme of the Christian faith, which separated it from so many other religions of the day- unconditional forgiveness.

“Jesus modeled that when he was on the cross. There’s this amazing verse on the cross where he says, ‘Father, forgive them because they don’t know what they’re doing’. It’s the most epic statement of the New Testament.”

In that moment, God forgave humanity.

“You would imagine that lightning would have flashed, because it was God releasing forgiveness to humanity, to all of us. And the guards did not take one scrap of notice of what he said.”

Unconditional Love

Jesus offered something that wasn’t voluntarily received by anyone who was present, but he willingly gave it as a free gift.

“He wasn’t waiting for anyone’s performance or response before he gave that. And that’s the secret of true forgiveness. True forgiveness is the willingness, I think, not just to forgive for the sake of it, but to trust God that he knows best and that he ultimately is the just judge.”

Phil said it is so important to apply this to the relationships we have, as it will strengthen us.

Love and Unforgiveness

Can we love someone and hold onto unforgiveness?

“Yes and no. You won’t grow in that love,” said Phil.

“In other words, forgiveness has a way of putting us in the ground and holds us it binds us to the hurt of that experience. And so even though you love someone, what that unforgiveness does, if you hold it, it will stunt your capacity to continue to move forward and to grow together.”

Phil points to the notion that people move on.

“They’re actually saying, they couldn’t keep growing with that person in the in the potential of the relationship because that that unforgiveness had stumped them. It had held them and bound them to that experience which stopped and stunted the growth potential of the relationship.”

The Impact of Unforgiveness

The presence of unforgiveness and resentment poisons the desire to communicate and communication is the foundation of true intimacy.

“Unforgiveness actually poisons intimacy,” said Phil.

“When unforgiveness comes in, the desire for intimacy is completely assassinated. It shuts down your emotional heart and it causes grief, it causes pain, it ends up creating separation and it literally poisons. It’s like a systemic poisoning of your entire soul that reduces your capacity to feel loved and to give love. It’s a crazy, insidious type of thing that affects us.”

Hurt People

“You can’t not feel hurt. Hurt feelings happen and there’s a whole range of things that happen with hurt feelings. But hurt feelings don’t have to become a destruction of the soul,” said Phil.

He argued that hurt feelings done have to become a deterioration of the heart.

“Hurt feelings have got to be addressed quickly. You’ve got to make a choice. And the reason God gave us the power to forgive is because what it does that minimizes the residue.”

When Phil is teaching couples about conflict, their intention is to get conflict out of the relationship.

“But the problem is because of their differences, conflicts will continue to happen. What they need to learn to do is manage that. And when hurt has happened, to forgive quickly.”

He pointed to the scripture in Colossians 3:13: ‘Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.’

“Don’t wait until you feel like you’ve forgiven, because that’s a deception… letting your emotions lead your will.”

Phil said that choosing to forgive triggers the healing of our heart and emotions.

“Whereas if you let your feelings lead you, will never change. It’ll just be a roller coaster on a continuum. We’ve got to learn to live out of the choices we and things we believe, not the feelings and things we experience. Otherwise, we’ll be always at the mercy of things that happen to us.”

Forgiveness

“When forgiveness is enacted, it keeps us free of the poison. It keeps us free to communicate and therefore continue to build intimacy with that special person. It’s crazy the way that resentment grows, not just in one relationship, but it filters into everything you do.”

A Question to Ask

Phil wraps with this encouragement and a key takeaway:

“Forgiveness helps my ongoing hunger to know my spouse at an ever-deeper level. It stops that stunting of growth. But the question I’d ask everyone today is this: Am I practicing real forgiveness with the one I love? What can I do today to let go of hurts that hold me back from our growth in the relationship we have?”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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If humans are wired for connection, why do relationships often feel like hard work or confusing?

Many clients have shared some version of this question with me. They notice themselves pulling away from people they care about, overthinking simple interactions, not feeling fully satisfied by relationships, or feeling flat or disconnected in moments that “should” feel warm. Sometimes we have a longing for closeness but no clear sense of how to move toward it. At other times, even the idea of connection feels really overwhelming, as if we’re not quite sure we have the energy required, or if it’s really what we want.

It’s easy then, in these moments, to draw critical conclusions: “I’m not good at relationships”, “I don’t really need people”, or “People don’t care about me.”

But what if the difficulty connecting isn’t about a lack of desire or motivation for building connection?

What if it has more to do with losing touch with the underlying system that helps us find our way toward it?

We Are Wired for Connection

Connection is not a preference or personality trait. It’s a fundamental biological human need.

Decades of research in attachment theory, developmental psychology, and neuroscience point to the same conclusion that human beings are regulated through relationships. For example, infants cannot stabilise their own nervous systems without a caregiver’s presence. Their heart rate, skin temperature, stress response, and emotional states are shaped through repeated interactions with another mind and body.

This need doesn’t just disappear in adulthood. Studies on co-regulation show that even as adults, our physiology, like our heart rate variability, stress hormones, and emotional arousal, continues to be influenced by safe, attuned contingent connection with others.

In this way, the pull toward connection is already built into our biological system. And yet, knowing we have the need for something doesn’t necessarily mean we know how to meet the need!

Feelings as a Kind of Compass

One way to understand this gap between knowing about a need and meeting it, is to look more closely at the role of feelings.

In affective neuroscience, feelings are not seen as vague, unimportant or “soft” experiences. They are understood to have been generated by evolutionarily old brain systems that track how well our needs are being met. Researchers like Jaak Panksepp and, more recently, Mark Solms, have described core affective systems (such as SEEKING, CARE, PANIC/GRIEF) in the brain that organise behaviour around survival and connection.

From this perspective, feelings function as a kind of special internal guidance system. Feelings signal when something matters, when something is missing, when something feels safe, or when something feels off.  In this way, help orient us toward what we might need and tell us if we are doing a good enough job of meeting that need.

For example, a sense of warmth might draw us closer. A flicker of discomfort might invite caution. A feeling of loneliness may nudge us toward reaching out.

When we are in contact with these feeling signals, connection is not something we have to think our way into, as we already have the map.

When Guidance Gets Disrupted

For many people, however, this internal system might not feel very clear or accessible.

Sometimes feelings are too intense. The nervous system can then become flooded or hyper-aroused, making closeness feel overwhelming or unsafe. In response, the system might have learned to downregulate too quickly (avoidance, shutting down, detaching).

At other times, feelings are muted or distant. There is reduced access to interoceptive signals or uncertainty about not really knowing what you feel. Without these signals, it becomes really difficult to know what we want, never mind how to move toward it.

There can also be misinterpretation. A surge of physiological arousal (like a racing heart, tight chest, or nausea) may be interpreted as danger, rather than as longing, excitement, or vulnerability. The body signals that something is important, but the mind categorises it as threat without exploring further.

And often, there is an internal conflict. The same person may activate both approach (seeking closeness) and avoidance (protecting from overwhelm), leading to a sense of push-pull; being drawn in and pushed away at the same time.

These patterns are not random flaws. They are learned adaptations to difficult and confusing experiences. The nervous system then over time simplifies our responses about how much feeling is tolerable, how it is interpreted, and whether it is safe to act on.

When Connection Becomes Something You Have to Figure Out

If feelings are what guide us toward connection, what happens when we can’t access or trust them?

Connection then starts to shift from something intuitively meaningful into something effortful or confusing.

Instead of sensing our way to meet the need, we try to over-think our way forward:

• Am I being too much?
• Do they actually want to hear from me?
• If I express this need will I be rejected?

Cognitive control steps in where this feeling guidance system is offline or uncertain. Interactions and connection can then become overanalysed or avoided altogether. Closeness may feel like something to manage carefully, rather than something to move into naturally.

Without access to our internal signals, connection becomes something we try to figure out like a tricky maths problem, rather than something we can feel our way into more organically.

The Misunderstanding

Sometimes, this can look like disinterest, detachment, or low capacity. But more often, it suggests a disruption in the feeling system that helps us recognise and respond to our own needs.

The longing for connection may still be there but the path toward it feels unclear.

So when we think something like “I don’t need people”, it’s more likely something closer to “I don’t know how to find my way to them from here.”

Relearning the Language of Feeling

If this is true, then the work is not about forcing connection by following set rules or ‘performing’ it more effectively. It is actually about slowly re-establishing contact with the internal signals that make connection possible.

This begins in very small ways:

• increasing awareness of bodily states (interoceptive awareness)
• naming emotional states, even when they seem vague (shown to improve emotional regulation)
• gradually expanding tolerance for feelings, rather than immediately avoiding or overriding them

For some, this process involves learning to stay with feelings that once felt overwhelming for just a little bit longer. For others, it might be discovering feelings that have long been out of reach.

This is about developing a different kind of relationship with one’s own internal world that is curious, patient, and gradually more trusting. And unfortunately, there is no quick fix method!

Finding a Way Back

In order to meet our inherent needs for connection then, it seems to require a rebuilding of trust in the internal system that helps us recognise what we feel, what we need, and what draws us toward others effectively.

The difficulty, then, is not that connection is unnatural or that we don’t need other people. It’s that, at one time or another, we all lose access to the very signals that help us find our way. And often, the path back to others begins with first feeling our way back into ourselves.

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Why showing up matters more than having the answers.

Supporting others to live their best lives doesn’t require perfection. It requires presence, authenticity, and the courage to sit with pain. 

Wayside Chapel CEO Jon Owen, chaplain and author Raewyn Elsegood, and i4Give co-founder and prison chaplain Danny Abdallah discussed how they help people to live their best lives. 

Ask, Listen, Encourage, Check In 

Raewyn Elsegood strives to bring joy to hard places. As a chaplain, her approach is simple but profound: turn up and be present. She uses the R U OK? framework for effective conversations – ask, listen, encourage, check in – as a practical way we can support the people around us. 

Raewyn also talks about the importance of being kind, and the power of listening well. She says it’s important to listen well to our friends and also to our family members.   

She shares that her children say she was at her best as a parent when she didn’t tell them what to do, but showed up and listened to them instead.  

“Sometimes the most valuable thing we can do is sit on the end of someone’s bed and simply be present, saying nothing at all,” says Raewyn. 

“Imagine if we could all do that all the time,” she says. “Impossible, but we can all try.” 

Turn Pain into Purpose 

Danny Abdallah brings a perspective forged through unimaginable loss. Having lost three children and niece at the hands of a drunk driver, his approach to helping others centres on presence and patience.  

Danny quietly shows up for grieving fathers in his community, waiting until after the shock subsides before having coffee with them and simply listening. 

“When you’re too positive, you’re actually being negative,” Danny explains. “You’ve got to just sometimes sit in the pain. And I think once you get into that pain, you sit in it long enough, you feel this peace that’s like no other when you’re coming out of it.” 

Through his work as a prison chaplain and the Forgiveness Project he’s helped develop, Danny helps inmates understand the power of forgiveness – both of others and themselves.  

During the program, Danny’s story is shared with groups of 50 to 60 men, then they break into smaller groups with forgiveness coaches. The goal is to help men understand the importance of forgiveness, and to break the cycle of reoffending. 

Be the Imperfect Companion 

Jon Owen challenges the notion that we need to have it all together before we can help others. In fact, he sees that expectation as a delay tactic. He says that what matters isn’t perfection but authenticity. 

“Instead of saying ‘be strong’, I say my focus is on being a tower of weakness for others,” Jon explains. 

“Sometimes the best behaviour you can model is surviving [and] to remind people that the sun will rise the next day.” 

At Wayside Chapel and in his personal approach, Jon emphasises the power of proximity and following through on commitments. If he says he’ll call someone every day for two weeks, he does – whether they answer or not. That missed call becomes a reminder that someone is thinking of them in the chaos. 

Raewyn perhaps says it best when describing what living your best life looks like: having no expectations of anyone or anything. It’s about letting go of control and valuing what we have. Through presence, authentic connection, and the courage to accompany others through darkness, we can help each other find our way.

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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Love expert Pastor Phil Ayres explains the impact our words, tone of voice and body language have on the way we speak and show love to others.

Everyone Needs Kindness

Pastor Phil says everybody needs a little kindness.

“I know some people say they’re not a words person, but everyone needs to hear kindness in the words that we speak.”

“In other words, the words that I use in my relationships, I will bear the cost or the benefit in those relationships, depending on how I speak and the way that I use my words,” said Phil.

The Rudder of a Ship

Our culture has become casual, according to Pastor Phil. He observed that people don’t like too much formality or rigid control.

“In reality, the tongue, the words of your mouth, are like the rudder of a ship and they will steer the direction of your life.”

We can underestimate the impact of a rudder compared to the size of a ship.

“If we underestimate the power of our words, we can underestimate the impact that they can have.”

Elements of Influence

Pastor Phil said there are three elements to consider in any type of communication. And each of those has different elements of influence.

1. Content

2. Tone of Voice

3. Body Language

“The content we speak, has about 7% of influence on a conversation. The tone of your voice has 38% of the influence on the conversation and then the body language is 55%.”

Content & Tone of Voice

The content is the smallest component of what influences the outcome, but still essential.

“Our words are important, but our tone is massive.”

When I use a tone that’s sharp, sarcastic, or I raise my volume, that’s interpreted as a threat. Whereas when I’m calm and when I’m respectful in that tone, it actually helps that other person that I’m engaging with feel safe and continue engagement.”

Phil spoke of his personal experience with tone of voice.

“I know that my wife and I, when we are engaging each other and it’s heated, the tone of voice is everything to actually whether that gets too heated or whether we calm down and we process.”

He said that it can become a trigger in how people react towards each other.

Body Language

Body language, such as rolling your eyes, turning your back or becoming indifferent in the way you project towards that person, can be really detrimental to any effective communication.

Emotional Flooding

When a person is overwhelmed in the moment, it is common to be flooded with anger or frustration.

“The biblical framework to be able to overcome the challenge of dealing with that is to slow down. That’s fundamentally, if you’re going to really get a control of any anger or emotional triggers, the key biblical framework is to slow down,” said Phil.

‘My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.’ James 1:19

“Let your ears do the work and let your mouth stay quiet,” said Phil. He said the definition of slow in this case means to pause and make wait.

“So, if we’re going to address the issues that we’re dealing with and manage the tone of our voice and then the responses we give, if we want our relationship to be safe and not to allow emotional flooding.”

Certain people may have experienced negative forms of communication in their childhood. Phil implores those in a relationship to be responsible for managing emotions and allowing slow responses as a form of self-control.

“You are still responsible for managing yourself and allowing that to calm down and then breathe and you can take breaths, you can pause, you can walk away for a moment, you can ask for time out, all sorts of things.

Bite Your Tongue

“You can bite your tongue, which is what my mum said to me, if you want to say something negative, bite your tongue.”

Phil has been known to actually hold his tongue and it can defuse the heat of the moment.

“Because it’s really hard to say something serious when you’ve got to hold your tongue. Then try to speak… it’s the weirdest, strangest thing, and everyone starts laughing.

Fix The Relationship Before You Solve the Problem

Phil explained the importance of asking forgiveness from the person you are speaking to, rather than fixating on solving the problem.

“Always come back and pause on the conversation what you’re trying to get through and ask forgiveness of the person you’ve hurt and allow them the emotional time.”

Once peace has been restored, couples can resume the conversation and start working towards a solution.

“The moment it turns from the issue to the person and you’re targeting their character or some sort of question of who they are, you’ve actually moved completely away from the conversation. So you’ve already lost your way.”

He encouraged people to heal that situation and try not to further the conversation.

“The worst thing is when you’re angry and you’ve hurt each other and you’ve lost your way and then you’re still trying to sort out the problem. Pause. Everyone pause and give yourself a break.”

Reflection

For anyone struggling in this area, Pastor Phil encouraged asking the questions:

• Is this building my relationship or tearing it down?
• Is it helping me build the relationship or working in the opposite direction?

“We need to consider that, and if we want great relationships… Let our words bring life.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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As humans, we share the common desire to be known and loved. But what happens when those expectations aren’t fulfilled?

“Unmet expectations are usually around relationships,” explains psychologist, Collett Smart. “You feel really let down and unloved, often because you think … they should have known, and they didn’t know, and now you feel hurt.”

Collett, along with Ian Barnett, founder of the National Grandparent Movement; and Nathan Brewer, youth worker, discussed what unmet expectations are, why they occur and how to avoid them.

No matter what the nature of our relationships with family, friends or colleagues, the ways in which our relationships with others are forged and grown creates expectations.

When our expectations are fulfilled, relational harmony is easier to maintain. But sometimes our expectations of others remain unmet, and this can cause confusion, pain and relational breakdown.

Unmet expectations, says Collett, are most often attributed to our unwillingness to communicate them. But the reasons why we fail to express our expectations to others are vast and varied.

At its core, explains Collett, our expectations are borne of a desire to be known and loved.

“I’ve been married for thirty years … and some of our niggles at home are still around unmet expectations … Sometimes we might feel embarrassed. It feels vulnerable. Or you feel like someone doesn’t care … it really boils down to you wishing the person would know you.”

Ian admits that being prepared to voice our expectations so they are more likely to be met doesn’t get easier with age.

He shares that Australia’s older generations have expectations around politics and community that seem to be increasingly unmet, but the most hurtful unmet expectations are centred around their adult children.

“The reality is, we struggle to communicate (our expectations) … because we’re fearful of rejection, and so the best thing is to just not say anything, and then we get disappointed when they’re not met … You have to work out what is realistic. What can I expect? And how can I function in that world and not be anxious if things aren’t met?”

Creating realistic expectations of ourselves and others is something all of us struggle with. None more so, shares Nathan, than today’s youth. Teens now not only contend with voices in their immediate family and social circles telling them what they should think, like, say or do, but are also constantly bombarded by countless influencers on social media.

“They (teens) are getting told to expect so many different things … (but) they don’t actually know exactly what they want. Do they want to be coddled and protected, or do they want freedom? They kind of want both, but they can’t have both … communication has to be so key.”

While the panelists agree with Nathan that clearly communicating our expectations is the key to having them met, they also agree that everyone can realistically expect to be the cause of someone else’s unmet expectations.

If that happens, Collett reminds us, any hurt they show is simply because they want to feel loved and known.

“It always comes back to communicating. My husband says to me, ‘Tell me! Talk to me! I can’t read your mind … It’s about communicating what you’re expecting.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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The ripple effect of responsibility impacts the people around us, one way or another.

“We’re like a boat in a harbour,” says Joce Goto.  “There’s this wake behind us, and what we do has ripple effects into the people around us … You need to have an awareness of what’s behind you as you take steps forward.”

Joce is the Chief Operations Officer at Charitabl. and is joined by Mark Jones, Chief Storyteller at the ImpactInstitute; and Max Jegananathan, former advisor to the Federal Government, to discuss what it means to take responsibility for our actions.

Joce shares this analogy to help illustrate that our actions and choices have an impact on those around us. Her definition of being responsible on an individual, personal level means conducting ourselves with integrity, she says. We want to aim to be the same person in every circumstance, no matter what pressures or stress we face.

“I try to live by the adage of consistency in character. What does it look like for me to be the same person here … when I’m at home with my three-year-old, when I’m at work or with my team, or from a stage? How do I remain the same person throughout it all?”

This same attitude to responsibility is increasingly finding a place of importance in business too, Mark says, simply because it’s not sustainable to pretend to be something you’re not.

Mark clarifies that today, business leaders can expect to be held accountable by their staff and clients for their conduct, for the values their organisation stands for and for their business to be about more than merely satisfying the minimum moral and legal standards to avoid getting into trouble.

If business leaders aren’t free to be themselves, Mark says, it creates a culture of mistrust and a lack of authenticity.

“It’s really key that when you want to bring people with you on a journey, they want to follow real people, and so, we’re starting to see more leaders realising they can be themselves … that’s how you get better retention of staff and more customers who like you.”

In politics and in any public arena, Max says that taking responsibility for one’s actions is perhaps an even rarer but infinitely valuable jewel to be treasured.

Things are never as black and white as they first may seem and blame for mistakes made can hardly be attributed to just one cause or one individual’s fault.

Whatever one’s part might be, Max says, whether it’s 5% or 50% of what went wrong, taking 100% responsibility for your part is the key to being a person of integrity.

“What you see far too often … particularly in public communication and public leadership is people being sorry for the offence they’ve caused, or for how someone feels, or for the impact on someone, as opposed to just being sorry that they said or did something – full stop. That complete sense of ownership over something that’s gone wrong … when you see that, people react and respond in a much more accepting way.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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Pastor Phil Ayres lists the important aspects we should consider when we are looking for a partner later in life.

In later years we can gain wisdom, but we can also close ourselves off to new experiences or relationships. Pastor Phil explained the importance of approaching a new partnership with contingencies.

Phil shared his first points in part one of the discussion:

1. Emotional Readiness and Healing

2. Shared Faith and Core Values

3. Health and Lifestyle Compatibility

In part two of his talk, Phil outlined the final points of his considerations:

4. Honesty and Communication

“You develop a lifestyle pattern that’s a lot more entrenched than when you’re younger and you start the journey in a brand-new sort of a way,” he began.

He explained that the impact of starting this journey together spans beyond the couple, because oftentimes that couple have their own children, grandchildren and entire family systems to consider.

“And I think the principle of transparency to build trust is so important,” said Pastor Phil.

He mentioned the term ‘primary allegiance’ when referring to blending the families in order to consider everyone’s best interest. 

“For your marriage to thrive, you must give primary allegiance to your spouse and make that person number one in the life and the building that you have with agreements in place,” he said, 

The Key is Communication

“If you don’t communicate well on the expectations, you’ll disintegrate the family potentially.”

There is a separate legacy for a person in their senior years and Pastor Phil noted the importance of honouring the generations a person may have built and the inheritance that comes with it, highlighting a verse in Proverbs.

Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. – Proverbs 15:22

“In other words,” he explained, “We need to talk through this and get advice get input and have wisdom in the steps we’re taking.”

5. Community and Family Support

Some couples can be met with resistance from children or extended family who don’t want their parent or relative to remarry. 

“There should be an opportunity for everyone one to experience that, and we shouldn’t be afraid of that relationship,” said Pastor Phil, noting that it is always important to talk about it. 

6. Patience and God’s Timing

1 Corinthians 13 captures the essence of true love, said Pastor Phil.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. – 1 Corinthians 13:4

“I would encourage senior people to be patient, take things step by step and have wisdom. Now, love doesn’t have an age limit and the desire of love is incredible,” he continued.

He referenced Song of Solomon 8:6:

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. – Song of Solomon 8:6

“It is so powerful, such a need and a drive in our heart,” with reference to Ecclesiastes he said, “The timing of God is so beautifully when the individual will allow that to work with the situation they’re in.”

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Pastor Phil concluded with a summary of intimacy and what that can look like in later years.

“Every type of intimacy can be experienced in a relationship apart from, in a marriage context, sexual intimacy,” he continued, “And obviously that’s the privilege, that’s the God design of married relationships… But it doesn’t mean your life stops before you’re married.”

Pastor Phil encouraged those waiting and building relationships to make the moments count and treat the relationship with the respect it deserves.

“You can build rich, beautiful, amazing intimacy and allow that marriage to be the icing on the cake when the time comes,” he concluded.

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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Self-identity is how we see and understand ourselves—knowing who we are, what we believe in, and how we feel about ourselves.

Susan Woodworth from Walk and Talk Psychology explains that a stable self-identity links to better mental health, a stronger sense of belonging, and validation from others. Friends play a key role in this by providing acceptance and a space to explore personal growth.

Friends and family shape self-identity through belonging and roles. The people we choose to surround ourselves with offer acceptance, which builds a positive self-image and reinforces core values. Family roles—like being a mum, sibling, or older sister—start this process early, evolving into social groups as we age, such as sporty or academic circles where we take on roles like leader or mediator.

Friends as Mirrors

Friends act as mirrors reflecting our inner selves. Consider five people you feel strongly about: what do you admire, share in common, or find irritating? Admiration often highlights traits you’re proud of or aspire to. Common ground validates your current values and sense of belonging. Irritation signals opposites to your values—what you don’t want to become.​

Different friends naturally bring out different personality sides, showing adaptability rather than inauthenticity. If your friends don’t align with how you see yourself, it can feel confusing. Choosing who to hang out with matters: surround yourself with those who make your identity feel balanced and true.

Parenting and Guiding Kids

Parents can gently guide children toward positive self-views by staying curious about their friendships. Ask what they like about these friends and what sides of themselves emerge. Friends help kids explore personality facets and decide what they want to become. Encourage meaningful interactions that build a strong personal identity.​

Susan reminds us that choosing surroundings thoughtfully foster mental wellbeing. By reflecting on our “mirrors” and roles, we discover more about ourselves and grow authentically.

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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Let’s be honest, every couple has those moments. You know the ones: the eye roll, the snappy comment, the awkward silence over dinner, or the late-night standoff where no one wants to be the first to speak.

Yes, conflict happens. But here’s the good news: it’s not the argument that determines the health of your marriage, it’s the repair that comes after it.

According to Dr John Gottman, the ability to make and receive repair attempts is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success. In other words, it’s not about fighting less, it’s about reconnecting better.

So if things got heated, distant, or just plain uncomfortable, here’s your roadmap back to each other.

What’s a Rupture?

In psychology terms, a rupture is a moment of emotional disconnection. It could be a sarcastic jab, a raised voice, a shutdown or withdrawal, or even something unspoken, like feeling unseen or dismissed.

These small breaks in connection, when left unrepaired, can start to feel like cracks in the foundation. But when we choose to repair, we reinforce trust, emotional safety, and intimacy.

As Dr Sue Johnson says, “Conflict is the price we pay for deeper connection.”

Think of repair as your relationship’s emotional first aid. It’s not a fix-all, but it prevents little hurts from becoming lasting wounds.

Dr Gottman’s research shows that successful repair attempts, no matter how awkward or imperfect, help couples de-escalate tension and restore connection. These moments reinforce a powerful message: “We may argue, but we’re still for each other.”

It’s not about getting it perfectly right. It’s about choosing to come close again.

Five Steps to Repair After a Rupture

1. Pause Before You Pounce

You may want to resolve things immediately, but if you’re still emotionally flooded—your heart racing, your thoughts spiralling, it’s better to pause.

Research shows it takes around 20 minutes for the nervous system to return to a calm state. Taking space to breathe or reset isn’t avoiding the issue; it’s creating the conditions for meaningful repair. You’re not avoiding. You’re choosing presence over reaction.

2. Own Your Part (Without the Scorecard)

This isn’t about taking all the blame. It’s about modelling emotional responsibility. Even small acknowledgements can shift the tone from defensive to open.

Try something like, “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. I was frustrated, but I want to understand what you were feeling.” Ownership opens the door to mutual repair. Defensiveness shuts it. 

As Brené Brown says, “Accountability is the birthplace of connection.”

3. Empathy Over Explanation

Resist the urge to defend your actions or explain them away. What your partner often needs most is to feel heard and understood.

Validation doesn’t mean you agree, it means you’re willing to enter their experience.

Instead of “That’s not what I meant,” try, “I can see why that hurt you. It wasn’t my intention, but I understand how it landed.” When people feel seen, they soften. Empathy heals more than logic ever could.

4. Reaffirm the Relationship

Once the tension settles and emotions are acknowledged, offer gentle reassurance. This helps rebuild emotional safety and restores trust.

Try saying, “We’re on the same team,” or “I don’t want this to come between us.”

These reminders signal that even though you’ve had conflict, the bond is intact. The relationship is safe, and you’re choosing to lean in rather than pull away.

5. Reflect and Learn

When things calm down, use the conflict as an opportunity to grow together. Ask questions like, “What triggered this for us?” or “What do you need from me next time?”

Healthy relationships aren’t built on avoiding conflict. They’re built on learning from it.

Every rupture is a chance to build a deeper understanding and prevent the same patterns from repeating.

No marriage is conflict-free. That’s not the goal. The goal is to create a relationship where repair is possible, where disconnection doesn’t last long, and where both partners know how to come back to each other.

The next time things feel tense or tender, take a breath, take ownership, and take the first step back toward connection. You don’t need perfect words. You just need a willing heart.

Because in the end, it’s not about never hurting each other, it’s about knowing how to say, “I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

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I’ve lived in the same street for thirteen years now. One of the nice outcomes of this is that, whenever I leave the house, there’s always someone to say hello to.

There’s Lisa who runs the hairdressers, James who runs the launderette, and then. . . there’s Dave. Bearing a striking resemblance to Homer Simpson (a comparison he himself makes), Dave has taken it upon himself to be the neighbourhood entertainer. He puts signs on the street saying, “Honk if you’re happy!” He once put a manikin on the footpath holding a mirror with a sign that said, “You look lovely today!” Most afternoons Dave brings out his Bluetooth boombox and plays Bruce Springsteen at full volume—a gift many neighbours are yet to appreciate.

Meet Dave

Dave has a big heart, a big laugh, and is always ready with an opinion. So when I saw him a while back, I shouldn’t have been surprised when he looked me up and down and said, “You’ve put on weight!” I stumbled to reply. “I, I guess I have,” I said. Then he added, “As you were walking up, I thought to myself, There’s a man who’s gained some kilos.” You’ve got to love a neighbourhood where people recognise your face and your BMI.

“You’ve put on weight!” – Dave, neighbour

For the record, I don’t think it’s wise to comment on your neighbour’s weight! But there was something refreshing about Dave’s words. Politeness doesn’t serve us well when there are truths we need to hear, and research shows we’re not always great at telling them. One of the interesting discoveries from our 1100-respondent Friendship Lab Survey was that when a friendship breaks down, the cause is rarely discussed. Whether it’s unhealthy choices, annoying habits, or just the fact the new haircut doesn’t work, we need someone who’ll tell us the truth.

Truth with Love

The apostle Paul has some helpful advice on how to do this, telling us to “Speak the truth in love.” Speaking the truth requires getting brave and saying what needs to be said instead of hiding behind politeness or false flattery. The in love bit includes picking the right time and delivering the truth kindly, with the other person’s best interests at heart. This also says to me that when I’m on the receiving end, I should hear the truth in love too—listening humbly, rather than getting defensive.

Walking away from Dave, I checked my reflection in the window and had to admit he was right. I’d let the exercise slip. I’d lost track of my calories. I’d feel better losing a few kilos. The diet started the following Monday. And the next time Springsteen blasts across the street, well. . . it might just be my turn to speak the truth in love.

Article supplied with thanks to Sheridan Voysey.

About the Author: Sheridan Voysey is an author and broadcaster on faith and spirituality. His latest book is called Reflect with Sheridan. Download his FREE inspirational printable The Creed here.

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