Why being heard matters more than we realise.

Most people have experienced the feeling of speaking while having a sense that they are not truly being listened to. The words seem to fall to the ground, and the conversation can feel almost like it’s one-sided. It is an experience that is often painful. But why?

The answer extends beyond simple frustration. In those moments, the mind is often trying to make sense of what it is experiencing. Thoughts may emerge such as, Maybe I’m not very interesting. Others may interpret the experience as disrespectful. Alternatively, there may be recognition that the other person is distracted by something unrelated to the conversation.

These different interpretations reflect more than individual thinking styles. They point towards a common human need: the desire to be heard, understood, and accepted. Psychological research consistently suggests that people have a fundamental need to belong and feel connected with others. When someone listens with genuine attention, it communicates, Your thoughts matter. You matter. Conversely, feeling ignored can create a sense of disconnection, regardless of whether the other person’s inattention was conscious or not.

The opposite experience can be profoundly powerful. Being listened to without judgement, assumptions, or the immediate urge to offer solutions often creates a sense of being genuinely known. Research on therapeutic relationships has repeatedly shown that feeling understood and emotionally validated can assist in reducing distress. Often, the simple experience of being heard is more healing than receiving advice.

Ideas to support feeling heard

Cultivating these experiences begins with recognising that not every relationship has the same capacity for emotional connection. Some people consistently demonstrate empathy and attentiveness, while others may struggle to offer these qualities for a variety of reasons. Investing in relationships that have shown the capacity for genuine listening is more likely to foster meaningful connection.

There are also seasons when finding someone who feels safe to talk to can be difficult. In those moments, patience and self-compassion become important. Deep relationships often develop gradually rather than after one or two conversations.

Equally important is the opportunity to become the kind of listener that many people long for. Genuine listening involves giving full attention, seeking to understand before responding, and resisting the impulse to immediately solve the problem. More often than not, people first need to feel understood before they are ready to consider advice.

Being heard is a powerful human experience. It strengthens connection, supports self-worth, and lets people know that they do not have to carry life’s challenges alone. It is both a gift to receive and one to be given, creating greater belonging and meaning in everyday life.

The Centre for Effective Living is an award-winning Psychology and Well-Being practice serving the Upper North Shore of Sydney.

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Connection is a fundamental part of being human

It shapes how we see ourselves, how we experience the world, and how we cope during difficult times. When we feel connected, our mental and emotional wellbeing are often stronger and more supported.

Small, everyday interactions, like a friendly exchange with your local barista, and how these micro-connections can gently buffer against loneliness. These moments matter more than we often realise. But while they offer important emotional lifts, they are only one piece of the puzzle.

This brings us to a deeper layer of connection: meaningful community. If weak ties help us feel momentarily seen, meaningful communities help us feel truly known. And it’s within these spaces that some of the most profound benefits for our mental wellbeing can emerge.

The Human Need to Belong

Humans are inherently social beings. Our brains and bodies are shaped for connection, and our wellbeing is deeply influenced by the quality of our relationships. Feeling connected to others provides a sense of safety, stability, and support in our day-to-day lives.

Meaningful community provides:

• A sense of belonging and identity
• Emotional support during difficult times
• Opportunities for shared experiences and growth
• A framework for understanding ourselves and others

What Makes a Community “Meaningful”?

Not all social groups offer the same psychological benefits. A meaningful community goes beyond casual interaction. It is characterised by:

• Consistency: Regular opportunities to gather and connect
• Authenticity: Space to be seen and accepted as you are
• Shared values or purpose: A common thread that brings people together
• Mutual support: Giving and receiving care, not just surface-level interaction

These elements create an environment where individuals feel psychologically safe, a key factor in mental wellbeing.

The Mental Health Benefits

Being part of a meaningful community can have profound effects on mental health:

1. Reduced Loneliness and Isolation
Regular connection with others helps buffer against feelings of loneliness, which is a significant risk factor for depression.

2. Emotional Regulation and Support
Talking through challenges with trusted people helps process emotions and reduces distress. Having our experiences normalised and understood can be deeply regulating.

3. Increased Sense of Purpose
Engaging in a group with shared values or goals gives individuals a sense of meaning, which is strongly linked to life satisfaction and resilience.

4. Improved Self-Worth
Being valued within a community reinforces a sense of worth and identity.

5. Greater Resilience
When facing adversity, those with strong social support systems are better equipped to cope and recover.

The Role of Ritual and Shared Experience

One often overlooked aspect of meaningful communities is the presence of shared rituals or regular gatherings. Whether it’s weekly meetings, group activities, or shared traditions, these moments create rhythm and predictability.

Rituals can:

• Provide grounding in times of uncertainty
• Strengthen group cohesion
• Create a sense of continuity and stability

They act as anchors in our lives, helping us feel connected to something larger than ourselves.

Barriers to Finding Community

Despite its importance, many people struggle to find or maintain meaningful community. Common barriers include:

• Busy schedules and competing priorities
• Social anxiety or fear of vulnerability
• Past experiences of rejection or exclusion
• Over-reliance on digital interaction

Recognising these barriers is the first step toward overcoming them.

Moving Toward Connection

Building or joining a meaningful community doesn’t require perfection. It requires intention. Some starting points include:

• Seeking out groups aligned with your values or interests
• Prioritising regular, in-person connection where possible
• Allowing yourself to be known gradually
• Contributing to the wellbeing of others within the group

Connection deepens over time, not instantly. Small, consistent steps often lead to the most meaningful relationships.

Final Thoughts

Mental wellbeing is not just an individual pursuit. It is deeply relational. While self-care practices are important, they are most effective when supported by a network of genuine connection.

Meaningful community offers something that cannot be replicated through productivity, achievement, or online interaction alone: a sense of belonging. And in that belonging, people often find not only support, but also healing, growth, and a renewed sense of purpose.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Jennifer Chu is a psychologist who is passionate about therapy, experienced in a range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, social adjustment issues, stress management, and cross-cultural issues and more.

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Ending the epidemic of isolation

“We are made for relationships, we are made for connection,” says psychologist, Collett Smart. “Being social is so much a part of what feeds our wellbeing. And when we don’t have connection, we end up lonely.”

Collett is joined by mental health author and speaker, Graeme Cowan, and Hannah Gair, founder of StrongerHERside podcast, to explore the importance of intentional community connection.

Sense of connection

Quoting a recent Beyond Blue survey on how Australians view their wellbeing, Collett shares that although around 30% of Australians say that their wellbeing is excellent as a result of their sense of connection, this number is lower today compared to what it was following the same survey in 2022.

Among the 18-24-year-old age group, half of those surveyed not only said they felt lonely but also felt shame about their loneliness. And having wrongly concluded that their loneliness made them different to their peers, Collett explains, their assumption has the effect of compounding their sense of isolation even further.

Physical wellbeing

Graeme adds that, in addition to an impact on our mental health, our lack of connection can also have a significant negative effect on our physical wellbeing.

“When people feel disconnected and lonely, it’s been shown that it has the same health effect as smoking fifteen cigarettes per day.”

Ultimately, Graeme says, community is about satisfying a fundamental need to belong. He shares his own personal experience of community with other like-minded people who meet once a month and have been doing so consistently – not only enjoying the common interest that brought them together in the first place but supporting each in life as well.

“It’s been going for twenty-five years,” Graeme explains, “and the reason is that sense of community, that bonding. And over that period of time, members have been through divorce, bankruptcy and even death. But they (the group’s gatherings) are a consistent thing that happen every month where you feel you belong.”

Seasons of life changes

Hannah shares that it can also sometimes happen that our needs for community connection can change throughout the seasons of life. As a mum of a child living with a disability, Hannah highlights the importance of taking the time to intentionally look for the right connections for whatever stage or situation you find yourself.

“If you look at statistics for mothers who are raising children with disability, it varies between 60-80% of mothers actually feel isolated, and with isolation, can come a feeling of hopelessness and disconnectedness … it’s super-critical that community is paramount … paramount to getting through that journey.”

What is the best way to find the right community for you?

Collett summarises that our two simplest answers are to either join the community that appeals to us, or, if it doesn’t yet exist, start your own.

“Just put it out there,” Collett encourages, “that you would meet people in a public place; in a coffee shop, so that you’re safe about it. Meet people, because there are other people who are desperate for community, and they’re just waiting for someone to put their hand up and say, ‘Let’s start something!’”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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It starts with a listening ear.

It’s not only the ‘needy’ in our community who benefit from a helping hand. We all need help from time to time, and it can also do us good to be the help that someone else needs, but what is the best way to extend a hand of friendship?

Listening is the best place to start!

CEO of Wayside Chapel, Jon Owen; CEO of Entrepreneurial and Small Business Women Australia, Amanda Rose; and aged care chaplain, Jenny Blok, discuss what it means to lend a helping hand.

Amanda explains that the best helping hand is the one that comes from the heart and goes unseen.

She says that a helping hand is being there when no one else is. People can fuss over someone who has had an accident or done well in business, but when times are tough, often those initial ‘helpers’ are nowhere to be seen. That’s the time to step in privately and give a helping hand.

Jenny adds to this, drawing on her experience in the aged care sector where, she says, offering a helping hand to the elderly is the same as any other stage in life. She emphasises the importance of listening first.

“I think we need to be asking permission as well because we can step in thinking that this person needs us … (but) they’re quite capable of doing things themselves! We don’t want to take away their independence.”

Jon agrees and shares some practical advice he gives to volunteers when they first come to lend a helping hand at Wayside Chapel.

“People just need you to love them … so bring a fresh pair of socks. The moment someone is sharing with you about what it’s like to sleep rough and you’re tempted to download your wisdom, take that fresh pair of socks and shove them in your mouth and just listen.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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What makes a marriage last?

It seems like everywhere we look today there is a new “marriage hack” promising to solve all our problems. Social media projects picture-perfect, storybook marriages all over our feed, convincing us this should be reality. And when we look back at our own marriages and see struggle and conflict, we are left feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled. But the strongest marriages aren’t built on clever life hacks or perfect compatibility. They’re built intentionally, one decision at a time.

Pastor Greg Laurie reminds us that healthy marriages don’t happen by accident. They are cultivated through God’s design and a daily commitment to choosing one another. As Greg puts it, “If you see a marriage that is strong, it’s because they’re working on their marriage. They’re not taking their hand off the wheel.”

Why Do Marriages Drift Apart?

Very few marriages fall apart overnight. More often, distance develops through busy schedules, competing priorities and slow neglect of the relationship. We assume our spouse knows how much we love them, so we stop expressing it. Before long, we’re simply managing life together rather than intentionally building a relationship.

Strong marriages don’t casually drift towards health. They grow because two people spend intentional time investing in one another.

Greg reminds us that every healthy marriage requires ongoing care. Just as you wouldn’t expect a garden to flourish without tending it, a marriage won’t thrive if it’s left on autopilot.

God’s Design Was Always Relationship

Marriage wasn’t humanity’s idea, it was God’s. Greg shares that according to the Bible, “we are built for relationship with one another.”

In Genesis 2, after creating Adam, God declares, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Everything else in creation had been called “good,” yet Adam’s loneliness was the first thing God described as “not good.”

Marriage wasn’t created simply to make people happy. It was God’s loving provision for companionship, partnership and mutual support.

Greg explains that Eve wasn’t created because Adam needed someone to complete household tasks. She was created as “someone who assists another to reach fulfilment.” Together, Adam and Eve reflected God’s intention that men and women flourish through faithful relationship.

When we realise that marriage isn’t just a cultural or “man-made” tradition, but a covenant created by God, it completely reshapes how we approach relationship.

Leave, Cleave and Keep Choosing Each Other

One of the Bible’s most practical principles for marriage comes from Genesis 2:24:

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Greg points out that “marriage begins with the leaving of other relationships.” That doesn’t mean abandoning our families but recognising that a new primary relationship has begun. Our spouse becomes our first earthly priority.

Then comes cleaving. The word means to cling, to hold fast or to be joined together. Greg compares it to superglue. Not in the sense of being “stuck” with someone, but of choosing to hold tightly to one another through every season of life.

Healthy marriages aren’t built on grand romantic gestures alone. They’re built through thousands of small decisions to keep choosing each other every day. Greg encourages us to “have intimacy and closeness and friendship in this marriage that you can cultivate and keep alive forever.”

A Strong Marriage is More Than Romance

Culture often tells us that love is primarily about feelings. It’s all about romance, desire and physical attraction. And if the feelings fade, then the relationship wasn’t meant to be. But biblical love offers a radically different perspective.

Romance is a wonderful gift, but feelings naturally rise and fall. Biblical love is rooted in commitment long before it’s rooted in emotion. It chooses faithfulness when life becomes difficult. It continues serving even when it’s inconvenient.

Greg reminds us that “marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church.” As husbands sacrificially love their wives and wives respond with honour and respect, they display the gospel to the world around them. And when we realise this, we learn to understand that marriage is not just about our own happiness but reflecting God’s faithful love to the world.

Daily Choices Create Strong Marriages

There is no secret formula for a strong marriage, no “marriage hack” that will suddenly make your life easier. There is, however, a daily choice.

Strong marriages are built by couples who keep showing up for one another. Even when it’s hard, they keep communicating, they keep laughing and they keep praying.

But Greg reminds us of the ultimate truth, “our greatest needs are not fulfilled in marriage, our greatest needs are fulfilled in Jesus.” Jesus is the centre of our marriages, not just someone we turn to when things go wrong. When Christ is at the centre of a marriage, love becomes less about getting our own way and more about serving one another. That’s where lasting strength is found.

The secret behind a strong marriage isn’t perfection. It’s two imperfect people, trusting God’s perfect design and choosing, day after day, to keep their hands on the wheel.

Article supplied with thanks to Vision – a non-profit, follower-funded Christian media ministry taking God’s Word to every corner of Australia and beyond through broadcast, online and print media.

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And how to finally solve it…

It starts the same way every time.

Maybe it’s about chores. Or money. Or how one of you shuts down while the other gets louder. The details may change, but the feeling is familiar: frustration, defensiveness, miscommunication. You know how it will go before it even begins. One of you says something. The other reacts. The argument escalates. You both walk away feeling unheard, exhausted, and a little more distant.

If you feel like you’re stuck on repeat, you’re not imagining it. In fact, psychologists call these recurring arguments “conflict cycles”, and they’re one of the most common issues couples face.

But here’s the good news: you’re not doomed to keep looping. With insight and intention, it’s possible to break the pattern and create deeper understanding instead of deeper wounds.

Why Couples Get Stuck in the Same Fight

At the surface, recurring arguments may look like they’re about everyday issues, laundry, parenting styles, weekend plans. But beneath these topics are often deeper, unmet emotional needs.

According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) founder Dr. Sue Johnson, most recurring conflict is not about the issue itself—but about the emotional message behind it. When couples argue about surface issues, what they’re often really saying is:

• “Do I matter to you?”
• “Can I trust you to be there for me?”
• “Will you respond to my needs?”

These are attachment needs, and when they go unacknowledged, they trigger fear, anger, or withdrawal.

“Couples don’t get stuck because they disagree. They get stuck because they can’t get past the emotional loop that disagreement triggers.” – Dr. Sue Johnson

Understanding Your Conflict Pattern

The Gottman Institute refers to these loops as “negative sentiment override.” When couples build up emotional residue over time, they begin to interpret each other’s words through a lens of past hurt. Even neutral comments can feel loaded.

A typical conflict cycle often looks like this:

1. One partner brings up an issue (often with frustration or criticism).
2. The other gets defensive or shuts down.
3. The original partner escalates, feeling ignored.
4. The other retreats further, feeling attacked.
5. Both walk away feeling misunderstood, and the core issue goes unresolved.

This is known in therapy as a pursuer–withdrawer dynamic, a common pattern where one person seeks connection through confrontation, and the other seeks safety through distance.

If left unaddressed, this loop can quietly chip away at emotional safety in the relationship.

When couples start therapy, they often say, “We just argue over stupid things.” But what they’re describing is protest behaviour, a way of saying, “I’m hurting and I don’t know how to reach you.”

Let’s look at a few examples:

• The fight about chores is often really about feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.
• The argument about how much time you’re spending on your phone might actually be about craving attention and feeling disconnected.
• That repeated clash over parenting styles could be tapping into deep fears about safety or being undermined.

Conflict is rarely about what it seems. It’s a bid for connection, just expressed in a way that usually backfires.

How to Finally Break the Cycle

1. Slow Down the Reaction, Name the Pattern

The first step to change is awareness. Begin to notice the cycle instead of blaming the person. Try saying:

• “Hey, I think we’re in that loop again.”
• “This feels familiar, let’s try to pause and reset.”

Labeling the pattern disarms it. It reminds you that it’s not you vs. your partner, it’s you two vs. the cycle.

2. Shift from Blame to Vulnerability

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try: “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. What I really need is to feel like my voice matters to you.”

This shift from accusation to expression lowers defenses and invites empathy. Research consistently shows that vulnerable communication (using “I” statements and expressing emotions) leads to more successful conflict resolution and higher relationship satisfaction (Gottman, 2015; Johnson et al., 1999).

3. Validate Before You Problem-Solve

Often, couples jump into fixing mode, but what’s really needed is emotional validation.

Validation sounds like:

• “That makes sense you’d feel that way.”
• “I can see how that would be hard.”
• “I didn’t realise it impacted you like that. Thank you for sharing.”

This doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with everything, it means you’re choosing empathy over defensiveness. And that opens the door to real resolution.

4. Repair Often and Early

Every couple argues. What separates healthy relationships from unhealthy ones is the ability to repair. According to Dr. John Gottman, the most successful couples aren’t those who avoid conflict, they’re the ones who know how to recover from it.

This might look like:

• A sincere apology: “I’m sorry I snapped. That wasn’t fair.”
• A touch, a laugh, or a moment of softness after tension.
• Coming back to the conversation later, when you’re both regulated.

Repair says: “You matter more than winning this fight.”

5. Consider Therapy to Go Deeper

If you find yourselves stuck in the same argument no matter how hard you try, it might be time to talk to someone who can help untangle the emotional knots beneath the surface.

Therapies like EFT and Gottman-based couples counselling have been shown to be highly effective in reducing negative cycles, improving emotional connection, and increasing satisfaction, even for couples in long-term distress.

As one client once told me, “We didn’t need someone to fix us, we just needed help learning how to hear each other again.”

Recurring arguments aren’t a sign that your relationship is broken. They’re a sign that something underneath is asking to be seen.

Every time you fight about “the same thing,” an invitation is being offered: to get curious, not critical. To move from reaction to reflection. From accusation to understanding.

You may never completely stop disagreeing, but you can stop spinning in circles. Because conflict, when handled well, doesn’t have to divide you.

It can deepen your intimacy.
It can teach you how to show up.
It can be the doorway to a stronger, more emotionally honest marriage.

You just have to learn how to listen to what it’s really saying.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

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How finding the right community can help you thrive.

“You can unite over negative things,” says youth worker and mentor, Nathan Brewer, “but if you unite over a healthy thing like sport, or a really positive thing like helping others … it’s so good, and you see people come to life.”

Nathan and Michaela Chanmugam, Marketing and Communications Manager at Samaritan’s Purse, discuss the kind of communities that make a difference.

Community for Young People

Nathan speaks from his many years of experience working with young people to help them thrive. He is passionate to see them create healthy habits and strong pathways for their future, and he knows these things extend significantly from the benefits they see when connected to community.

“The three key things young people want most are purpose, belonging and identity. When you get into a community, you get a chance to do all three, because often a community will be united around a purpose … you belong to a group and can begin to form an identity in that,” Nathan explains.

Community Through Radio

Young people are not the only ones to discover these positive outcomes of being part of a community. And being part of a thriving, purposeful community is a core need we all share.

“(Vision) has over 750 transmitters across the country, so we’re in lots of communities – lots of small places, lots of big capital cities. Throughout all of those places, it’s really about individuals and connecting them,” Fel says.

She shares the example of John, who listened to Vision while isolated and lonely in prison. To him, switching on the radio was like a friend walking into his cell, creating the feeling of community in the most unlikely of places, and helping him cope through a difficult time.

Community Through Volunteering

Similarly, Michaela sees community making a difference through the work of Samaritan’s Purse, both for the volunteers who give their time and energy in the places where they work, and also to those in disaster zones who benefit from the outreaches of Samaritan’s Purse efforts.

“Samaritan’s Purse is an international humanitarian aid organisation … If a disaster strikes, we have people across the world who will mobilise and help communities that are in need.”

Michaela gives an example of the flooding disaster that impacted Taree on the mid-north coast of NSW, where volunteers, who may not have seen each other in years, came together during the day to help those who needed it, and at night, shared a meal and enjoyed each other’s company as if no time had passed at all since they last saw each other.

“It does bond a community (when they) do something important that makes a difference. And to do it with others, you see people thrive, and you see community thrive,” Nathan summarises. “It sounds strange, but to give people the opportunities to pour themselves out for others is a beautiful thing.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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Why your spouse (and your marriage) shouldn’t get the leftovers.

In the middle of busy seasons, priorities rarely collapse all at once. They shift quietly. Work stretches a little further. Energy gets a little thinner. Conversations at home become more functional than deep. And over time, the connection can start to feel harder to hold onto than it used to be.

Darren Chapman from The Happy Marriage talks about that gradual drift – and why the order of our priorities shapes far more than just our schedules. It shapes the health of our relationships, and ultimately, the tone of our homes.

“Where we place God and our spouse and our kids and work – our priorities can become disordered quite quickly or gradually over time.”

He said the challenge is that this rarely happens in a dramatic way. It’s usually slow, shaped by exhaustion, pressure, and the demands of everyday life. But the impact shows up in subtle but significant ways: less connection, more tension, and a growing sense that something feels “off.”

“When you sense you’re not as connected with your spouse or there’s a bit of tension in the air… when you start to not share the deeper things with each other.”

For Darren, one of the clearest markers of this drift is when couples stop sharing life at a deeper level. Not because they don’t care, but because they’re tired. Life gets full, and emotional connection becomes one of the first things to quietly slip.

God first

At the centre of his perspective is a simple ordering principle: God first.

Not as an abstract idea, but as the source of identity and strength that everything else flows from.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.” (Matthew 6:33)

 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30)

Darren explains that when God is first, it changes what we’re drawing from in every other relationship. Instead of looking to a spouse, children, or work to provide identity or fulfilment, those needs are met in God first.

“God first means getting identity and strength and resource from Him… He is my rock, source, and all.”

And that shift matters deeply in marriage

“So I’m coming into my marriage with a full cup, not an empty cup.”

Rather than entering relationships from a place of need or depletion, there’s a sense of fullness and stability that allows love to be given, not just received from.

From there, Darren spoke about the importance of protecting marriage intentionally – especially in seasons where life is demanding and time feels limited.

One of the biggest risks, he said, is not conflict, but neglect.

“Spouse gets leftovers… a dangerous place to live and exist.”

It doesn’t usually happen on purpose. It happens when everything else takes priority during the day, and what’s left is exhaustion. But over time, leftovers become a pattern and connection begins to fade.

Intentional rhythms

That’s why he emphasised the importance of simple, intentional rhythms that protect the relationship.

“Have habits of date night or whatever it is to make sure you’re spending some of the best part of your day with your spouse, not just collapsing into bed.”

It’s not about adding pressure to already full lives. It’s about protecting what matters most inside the reality of the season you’re in.

Children and work

Darren also acknowledged how easily children can become the central focus of a home, not in a harmful way, but in a way that gradually shifts the balance of relationships.

While children are a gift, he said, an over-focus on them can unintentionally place strain on marriage.

“I have seen marriages fall apart when the focus is on kids only.”

As seasons change, capacity changes too. What worked in one stage of life doesn’t always translate to the next. But instead of drifting through those changes, Darren encouraged couples to stay intentional and connected through them.

“We don’t want to drift into a lonely marriage… keep that priority so we stay connected and close and in love through the years.”

He also spoke about the reality of work and ministry life, where boundaries can blur easily, and work can begin to take more than its share of energy.

In those seasons, home life can unintentionally receive what’s left over, rather than what’s best.

Intentionality of priorities

But Darren brought it back to a simple grounding idea: home is not secondary to purpose, it is part of it.

“Your first ministry is at home, that’s where it begins.”

One of the most practical shifts, he said, is not structural but conversational. Instead of assuming what the other person needs, couples benefit from asking directly and honestly.

A simple question can begin to re-align everything:

“How can I support you better in this season so we can be better connected?”

It opens space for honesty, adjustment, and shared understanding of capacity in a given season of life.

“How can we live inside of our capacity and thrive where we are at with our marriage priorities?”

Ultimately, Darren’s message comes back to something simple but easy to lose in the middle of busy life: connection doesn’t drift into health on its own. It takes intention.

Not perfection. Not pressure. But small, consistent choices that keep the right things in the right order.

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The skill most of us get wrong

Warren Davies shares about the difference between listening and just hearing someone, beginning by painting a picture of the difference, using his line of work as an example.

Ting Symbol

“I first came across the concept doing a domestic violence course with Lifeline and there was on a page a Chinese symbol and it’s the Ting symbol which is the symbol of listening more than just you know hearing. It is where you are listening with your whole body.”

He explained that this involves listening not only with your ears, but also eyes and heart; giving that person your undivided attention and respect.

“I always thought I was a really good listener too and I think most of us do. We sit there, we nod, we wait for our turn to actually speak. Do we really hear the words, or do we just give responses that sound right?”

Words Matter Least

Warren said he was really challenged by this thought, especially working in the disaster recovery space.

“Those five key areas are really what it takes, listening with your ears is more than words. We all hear the words but it is often the least important part.”

He explained that listening to the person’s tone of voice, how they are talking, even a slight crack in the voice.

“They might say, ‘I’m fine,’ but you really know that they’re really screaming out the opposite.”

The Signs We Can See

He listed an example of a young vet that came up to him. The bushfire had taken a heavy toll on her and she exhibited most of those signs.

“I picked it up straight away just with my eyes. I was listening to her but my eyes were seeing that she was avoiding eye contact, her shoulders were dropped and her hands were fidgeting and she was hardly staying still.”

He said it is more important to hold space for the person than to interject or jump in to try and fix it or compare stories.

“You’ve got to suspend judgment because real listening asks you to put your own story.

“The most important part of listening with your whole body is the heart,” said Warren.

“That’s where the real connections are made. You’re really connecting with that person. It is important when it comes to heavy conversations and you really have to be listening to what that person’s saying, but more than just with your ears.”

He said it is more important to hold space for the person than to interject or jump in to try and fix it or compare stories.

“You’ve got to suspend judgment because real listening asks you to put your own story.

“The most important part of listening with your whole body is the heart,” said Warren.

“That’s where the real connections are made. You’re really connecting with that person. It is important when it comes to heavy conversations and you really have to be listening to what that person’s saying, but more than just with your ears.”

1. Give Undivided Attention

“One of the things that I’ve realised is you don’t have to have answers and advice to many of these tough questions. Most of the time we’ve just got to hold space and just you don’t have to say anything. That presence of being there and that person knowing that you’re giving them your undivided attention, you’ve got their back is more than enough.”

2. Be Present

“I’ve learned that people are not looking for answers or solutions and some of them are in pretty dark places.”

3. Hear Them

“They’re just needing someone to truly listen to them to be seen and heard. I’ve learned that listening is not a passive thing. It is an active, intentional, powerful thing that you can do for someone else that’s really important. It’s not about having the right words but making them feel genuinely heard and not judged.”

4. Don’t Rush Them

“Don’t dismiss their thoughts or opinions. Don’t rush them to finish a thought. Give them permission to keep going. Some people are feeling really defeated; there are a lot of heavy challenges in the world at the moment.”

He added, that in his line of work in bushfire relief, people are having a lot of difficult conversations, and it is something he comes into contact with a lot.

“You don’t have to have the words to interject or put into that conversation. You’ve just got to let them talk.”

The Unbreakable Farmer

“One of the things I’ve been intentionally doing, particularly in the bushfire, you know, working in the bushfire recovery is that I’ve been trying to articulate my thoughts and my feelings and what I’ve been seeing into words, either on my social media or my blog.”

“The most important questions you can ask someone in a day is, ‘How are you going?’ But most of us now just are too busy and don’t have the time to even stop and listen to the answer,” said Warren.

“Being able to have the presence to stop and listen could change that person’s day. So we need to listen with our whole body, not just our ears.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

Feature image: Canva

Data tells us that in Australia, more than 20 percent of us have no close friends.

Combined with the perceived difficulty of making friends in adulthood and shallowness in existing friendships, we’re in what Friendship Lab founder Sheridan Voysey calls a “wellbeing crisis” that needs remedying.

In 2008 when he was attending a seminar on becoming a foster parent, Sheridan was asked a question by the moderator that motivated the development of Friendship Lab.

“Who could you call at 2am when everything has gone wrong?,”

“I sat there with my pen hovering over the workbook because I couldn’t think of whose name to write down.”

In the busyness of work and media commitments as a writer, broadcaster and husband, Sheridan realised he’d neglected connection and his friendships suffered.

“That was my personal wake-up call,” Sheridan said.

Through Friendship Lab, Sheridan now provides resources that teach the often-overlooked basics of finding and maintaining friendships so we can be more intentional about these fundamental relationships.

“We mistake friendship for almost every other relationship,” Sheridan said.

“As wonderful as [our] colleagues are, they are not our friends. Colleagues can become our friends, but [a friend] is someone I can talk to, depend on, grow with and enjoy.”

Sheridan suggests that most of us just expect friendships to happen without thought. And the truth is, they just don’t.

“We’ve just neglected it,” Sheridan said.

“There’s this kind of myth around that friendship should just be something that happens. And the corollary to that is, that if it hasn’t happened maybe there’s something wrong with me, and that’s not going to help at all.”

Another challenge to friendship, is knowing how to have the difficult conversations required to help it thrive over time and survive changing life seasons.

The “RADAR” method

Sheridan approaches these conversations with the “RADAR” method:

• Reaffirm the friendship.
• Address a specific incident.
• Describe how it made you feel.
• Ask for feedback.
• Request different behaviour if needed.

“[This dialogue] is actually an act of affection,” Sheridan said.

“It’s saying, ‘I value this friendship enough to have the awkward conversation.’”

The rise in AI friendships

Globally, trends also indicate a rise in the number of people turning to artificial intelligence for friendship which Sheridan finds especially concerning.

“The research in both the UK and in Australia is that somewhere around 30 to 33 percent of adults have now turned to a chatbot for companionship and friendship,” Sheridan said.

“It’s concerning because the loneliest and the most isolated are the most prone to do that. And it’s a classic bait and switch.

“The chatbot will promise you that [it’s] going to solve your loneliness [but] all the research that’s coming out now is actually suggesting it’s doing exactly the opposite: it makes you more lonely, makes you more isolated.

“People who use AI friends over a period of time are becoming more narcissistic, more self-centred, and unable or unwilling to see that they are at fault.”

If society carries on down a path where we neglect human connection and fail to develop the skills required for healthy friendships, Sheridan sees it as a tragic departure from our God-given design.

God is inherently relational

“Christians understand God as being Father, Son, Holy Spirit: one God, somehow made up mysteriously of three persons.

“Relationship is the very essence of God’s nature.”

“We’ve been made in God’s image, so we are made to relate to other people.”

Sheridan believes the Church has an important role to play in rebuilding community and helping people reconnect in meaningful ways.

“Your local church is one of the few organisations that regularly brings a variety of people together every week,” Sheridan said.

“We need other people,” he said.

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

About the Author: Laura Bennett is a media professional, broadcaster and writer from Sydney, Australia.

Feature image: Canva