It starts with a listening ear.

It’s not only the ‘needy’ in our community who benefit from a helping hand. We all need help from time to time, and it can also do us good to be the help that someone else needs, but what is the best way to extend a hand of friendship?

Listening is the best place to start!

CEO of Wayside Chapel, Jon Owen; CEO of Entrepreneurial and Small Business Women Australia, Amanda Rose; and aged care chaplain, Jenny Blok, discuss what it means to lend a helping hand.

Amanda explains that the best helping hand is the one that comes from the heart and goes unseen.

She says that a helping hand is being there when no one else is. People can fuss over someone who has had an accident or done well in business, but when times are tough, often those initial ‘helpers’ are nowhere to be seen. That’s the time to step in privately and give a helping hand.

Jenny adds to this, drawing on her experience in the aged care sector where, she says, offering a helping hand to the elderly is the same as any other stage in life. She emphasises the importance of listening first.

“I think we need to be asking permission as well because we can step in thinking that this person needs us … (but) they’re quite capable of doing things themselves! We don’t want to take away their independence.”

Jon agrees and shares some practical advice he gives to volunteers when they first come to lend a helping hand at Wayside Chapel.

“People just need you to love them … so bring a fresh pair of socks. The moment someone is sharing with you about what it’s like to sleep rough and you’re tempted to download your wisdom, take that fresh pair of socks and shove them in your mouth and just listen.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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What makes a marriage last?

It seems like everywhere we look today there is a new “marriage hack” promising to solve all our problems. Social media projects picture-perfect, storybook marriages all over our feed, convincing us this should be reality. And when we look back at our own marriages and see struggle and conflict, we are left feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled. But the strongest marriages aren’t built on clever life hacks or perfect compatibility. They’re built intentionally, one decision at a time.

Pastor Greg Laurie reminds us that healthy marriages don’t happen by accident. They are cultivated through God’s design and a daily commitment to choosing one another. As Greg puts it, “If you see a marriage that is strong, it’s because they’re working on their marriage. They’re not taking their hand off the wheel.”

Why Do Marriages Drift Apart?

Very few marriages fall apart overnight. More often, distance develops through busy schedules, competing priorities and slow neglect of the relationship. We assume our spouse knows how much we love them, so we stop expressing it. Before long, we’re simply managing life together rather than intentionally building a relationship.

Strong marriages don’t casually drift towards health. They grow because two people spend intentional time investing in one another.

Greg reminds us that every healthy marriage requires ongoing care. Just as you wouldn’t expect a garden to flourish without tending it, a marriage won’t thrive if it’s left on autopilot.

God’s Design Was Always Relationship

Marriage wasn’t humanity’s idea, it was God’s. Greg shares that according to the Bible, “we are built for relationship with one another.”

In Genesis 2, after creating Adam, God declares, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Everything else in creation had been called “good,” yet Adam’s loneliness was the first thing God described as “not good.”

Marriage wasn’t created simply to make people happy. It was God’s loving provision for companionship, partnership and mutual support.

Greg explains that Eve wasn’t created because Adam needed someone to complete household tasks. She was created as “someone who assists another to reach fulfilment.” Together, Adam and Eve reflected God’s intention that men and women flourish through faithful relationship.

When we realise that marriage isn’t just a cultural or “man-made” tradition, but a covenant created by God, it completely reshapes how we approach relationship.

Leave, Cleave and Keep Choosing Each Other

One of the Bible’s most practical principles for marriage comes from Genesis 2:24:

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Greg points out that “marriage begins with the leaving of other relationships.” That doesn’t mean abandoning our families but recognising that a new primary relationship has begun. Our spouse becomes our first earthly priority.

Then comes cleaving. The word means to cling, to hold fast or to be joined together. Greg compares it to superglue. Not in the sense of being “stuck” with someone, but of choosing to hold tightly to one another through every season of life.

Healthy marriages aren’t built on grand romantic gestures alone. They’re built through thousands of small decisions to keep choosing each other every day. Greg encourages us to “have intimacy and closeness and friendship in this marriage that you can cultivate and keep alive forever.”

A Strong Marriage is More Than Romance

Culture often tells us that love is primarily about feelings. It’s all about romance, desire and physical attraction. And if the feelings fade, then the relationship wasn’t meant to be. But biblical love offers a radically different perspective.

Romance is a wonderful gift, but feelings naturally rise and fall. Biblical love is rooted in commitment long before it’s rooted in emotion. It chooses faithfulness when life becomes difficult. It continues serving even when it’s inconvenient.

Greg reminds us that “marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church.” As husbands sacrificially love their wives and wives respond with honour and respect, they display the gospel to the world around them. And when we realise this, we learn to understand that marriage is not just about our own happiness but reflecting God’s faithful love to the world.

Daily Choices Create Strong Marriages

There is no secret formula for a strong marriage, no “marriage hack” that will suddenly make your life easier. There is, however, a daily choice.

Strong marriages are built by couples who keep showing up for one another. Even when it’s hard, they keep communicating, they keep laughing and they keep praying.

But Greg reminds us of the ultimate truth, “our greatest needs are not fulfilled in marriage, our greatest needs are fulfilled in Jesus.” Jesus is the centre of our marriages, not just someone we turn to when things go wrong. When Christ is at the centre of a marriage, love becomes less about getting our own way and more about serving one another. That’s where lasting strength is found.

The secret behind a strong marriage isn’t perfection. It’s two imperfect people, trusting God’s perfect design and choosing, day after day, to keep their hands on the wheel.

Article supplied with thanks to Vision – a non-profit, follower-funded Christian media ministry taking God’s Word to every corner of Australia and beyond through broadcast, online and print media.

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And how to finally solve it…

It starts the same way every time.

Maybe it’s about chores. Or money. Or how one of you shuts down while the other gets louder. The details may change, but the feeling is familiar: frustration, defensiveness, miscommunication. You know how it will go before it even begins. One of you says something. The other reacts. The argument escalates. You both walk away feeling unheard, exhausted, and a little more distant.

If you feel like you’re stuck on repeat, you’re not imagining it. In fact, psychologists call these recurring arguments “conflict cycles”, and they’re one of the most common issues couples face.

But here’s the good news: you’re not doomed to keep looping. With insight and intention, it’s possible to break the pattern and create deeper understanding instead of deeper wounds.

Why Couples Get Stuck in the Same Fight

At the surface, recurring arguments may look like they’re about everyday issues, laundry, parenting styles, weekend plans. But beneath these topics are often deeper, unmet emotional needs.

According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) founder Dr. Sue Johnson, most recurring conflict is not about the issue itself—but about the emotional message behind it. When couples argue about surface issues, what they’re often really saying is:

• “Do I matter to you?”
• “Can I trust you to be there for me?”
• “Will you respond to my needs?”

These are attachment needs, and when they go unacknowledged, they trigger fear, anger, or withdrawal.

“Couples don’t get stuck because they disagree. They get stuck because they can’t get past the emotional loop that disagreement triggers.” – Dr. Sue Johnson

Understanding Your Conflict Pattern

The Gottman Institute refers to these loops as “negative sentiment override.” When couples build up emotional residue over time, they begin to interpret each other’s words through a lens of past hurt. Even neutral comments can feel loaded.

A typical conflict cycle often looks like this:

1. One partner brings up an issue (often with frustration or criticism).
2. The other gets defensive or shuts down.
3. The original partner escalates, feeling ignored.
4. The other retreats further, feeling attacked.
5. Both walk away feeling misunderstood, and the core issue goes unresolved.

This is known in therapy as a pursuer–withdrawer dynamic, a common pattern where one person seeks connection through confrontation, and the other seeks safety through distance.

If left unaddressed, this loop can quietly chip away at emotional safety in the relationship.

When couples start therapy, they often say, “We just argue over stupid things.” But what they’re describing is protest behaviour, a way of saying, “I’m hurting and I don’t know how to reach you.”

Let’s look at a few examples:

• The fight about chores is often really about feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.
• The argument about how much time you’re spending on your phone might actually be about craving attention and feeling disconnected.
• That repeated clash over parenting styles could be tapping into deep fears about safety or being undermined.

Conflict is rarely about what it seems. It’s a bid for connection, just expressed in a way that usually backfires.

How to Finally Break the Cycle

1. Slow Down the Reaction, Name the Pattern

The first step to change is awareness. Begin to notice the cycle instead of blaming the person. Try saying:

• “Hey, I think we’re in that loop again.”
• “This feels familiar, let’s try to pause and reset.”

Labeling the pattern disarms it. It reminds you that it’s not you vs. your partner, it’s you two vs. the cycle.

2. Shift from Blame to Vulnerability

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try: “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. What I really need is to feel like my voice matters to you.”

This shift from accusation to expression lowers defenses and invites empathy. Research consistently shows that vulnerable communication (using “I” statements and expressing emotions) leads to more successful conflict resolution and higher relationship satisfaction (Gottman, 2015; Johnson et al., 1999).

3. Validate Before You Problem-Solve

Often, couples jump into fixing mode, but what’s really needed is emotional validation.

Validation sounds like:

• “That makes sense you’d feel that way.”
• “I can see how that would be hard.”
• “I didn’t realise it impacted you like that. Thank you for sharing.”

This doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with everything, it means you’re choosing empathy over defensiveness. And that opens the door to real resolution.

4. Repair Often and Early

Every couple argues. What separates healthy relationships from unhealthy ones is the ability to repair. According to Dr. John Gottman, the most successful couples aren’t those who avoid conflict, they’re the ones who know how to recover from it.

This might look like:

• A sincere apology: “I’m sorry I snapped. That wasn’t fair.”
• A touch, a laugh, or a moment of softness after tension.
• Coming back to the conversation later, when you’re both regulated.

Repair says: “You matter more than winning this fight.”

5. Consider Therapy to Go Deeper

If you find yourselves stuck in the same argument no matter how hard you try, it might be time to talk to someone who can help untangle the emotional knots beneath the surface.

Therapies like EFT and Gottman-based couples counselling have been shown to be highly effective in reducing negative cycles, improving emotional connection, and increasing satisfaction, even for couples in long-term distress.

As one client once told me, “We didn’t need someone to fix us, we just needed help learning how to hear each other again.”

Recurring arguments aren’t a sign that your relationship is broken. They’re a sign that something underneath is asking to be seen.

Every time you fight about “the same thing,” an invitation is being offered: to get curious, not critical. To move from reaction to reflection. From accusation to understanding.

You may never completely stop disagreeing, but you can stop spinning in circles. Because conflict, when handled well, doesn’t have to divide you.

It can deepen your intimacy.
It can teach you how to show up.
It can be the doorway to a stronger, more emotionally honest marriage.

You just have to learn how to listen to what it’s really saying.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

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How finding the right community can help you thrive.

“You can unite over negative things,” says youth worker and mentor, Nathan Brewer, “but if you unite over a healthy thing like sport, or a really positive thing like helping others … it’s so good, and you see people come to life.”

Nathan and Michaela Chanmugam, Marketing and Communications Manager at Samaritan’s Purse, discuss the kind of communities that make a difference.

Community for Young People

Nathan speaks from his many years of experience working with young people to help them thrive. He is passionate to see them create healthy habits and strong pathways for their future, and he knows these things extend significantly from the benefits they see when connected to community.

“The three key things young people want most are purpose, belonging and identity. When you get into a community, you get a chance to do all three, because often a community will be united around a purpose … you belong to a group and can begin to form an identity in that,” Nathan explains.

Community Through Radio

Young people are not the only ones to discover these positive outcomes of being part of a community. And being part of a thriving, purposeful community is a core need we all share.

“(Vision) has over 750 transmitters across the country, so we’re in lots of communities – lots of small places, lots of big capital cities. Throughout all of those places, it’s really about individuals and connecting them,” Fel says.

She shares the example of John, who listened to Vision while isolated and lonely in prison. To him, switching on the radio was like a friend walking into his cell, creating the feeling of community in the most unlikely of places, and helping him cope through a difficult time.

Community Through Volunteering

Similarly, Michaela sees community making a difference through the work of Samaritan’s Purse, both for the volunteers who give their time and energy in the places where they work, and also to those in disaster zones who benefit from the outreaches of Samaritan’s Purse efforts.

“Samaritan’s Purse is an international humanitarian aid organisation … If a disaster strikes, we have people across the world who will mobilise and help communities that are in need.”

Michaela gives an example of the flooding disaster that impacted Taree on the mid-north coast of NSW, where volunteers, who may not have seen each other in years, came together during the day to help those who needed it, and at night, shared a meal and enjoyed each other’s company as if no time had passed at all since they last saw each other.

“It does bond a community (when they) do something important that makes a difference. And to do it with others, you see people thrive, and you see community thrive,” Nathan summarises. “It sounds strange, but to give people the opportunities to pour themselves out for others is a beautiful thing.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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Why your spouse (and your marriage) shouldn’t get the leftovers.

In the middle of busy seasons, priorities rarely collapse all at once. They shift quietly. Work stretches a little further. Energy gets a little thinner. Conversations at home become more functional than deep. And over time, the connection can start to feel harder to hold onto than it used to be.

Darren Chapman from The Happy Marriage talks about that gradual drift – and why the order of our priorities shapes far more than just our schedules. It shapes the health of our relationships, and ultimately, the tone of our homes.

“Where we place God and our spouse and our kids and work – our priorities can become disordered quite quickly or gradually over time.”

He said the challenge is that this rarely happens in a dramatic way. It’s usually slow, shaped by exhaustion, pressure, and the demands of everyday life. But the impact shows up in subtle but significant ways: less connection, more tension, and a growing sense that something feels “off.”

“When you sense you’re not as connected with your spouse or there’s a bit of tension in the air… when you start to not share the deeper things with each other.”

For Darren, one of the clearest markers of this drift is when couples stop sharing life at a deeper level. Not because they don’t care, but because they’re tired. Life gets full, and emotional connection becomes one of the first things to quietly slip.

God first

At the centre of his perspective is a simple ordering principle: God first.

Not as an abstract idea, but as the source of identity and strength that everything else flows from.

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.” (Matthew 6:33)

 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.” (Mark 12:30)

Darren explains that when God is first, it changes what we’re drawing from in every other relationship. Instead of looking to a spouse, children, or work to provide identity or fulfilment, those needs are met in God first.

“God first means getting identity and strength and resource from Him… He is my rock, source, and all.”

And that shift matters deeply in marriage

“So I’m coming into my marriage with a full cup, not an empty cup.”

Rather than entering relationships from a place of need or depletion, there’s a sense of fullness and stability that allows love to be given, not just received from.

From there, Darren spoke about the importance of protecting marriage intentionally – especially in seasons where life is demanding and time feels limited.

One of the biggest risks, he said, is not conflict, but neglect.

“Spouse gets leftovers… a dangerous place to live and exist.”

It doesn’t usually happen on purpose. It happens when everything else takes priority during the day, and what’s left is exhaustion. But over time, leftovers become a pattern and connection begins to fade.

Intentional rhythms

That’s why he emphasised the importance of simple, intentional rhythms that protect the relationship.

“Have habits of date night or whatever it is to make sure you’re spending some of the best part of your day with your spouse, not just collapsing into bed.”

It’s not about adding pressure to already full lives. It’s about protecting what matters most inside the reality of the season you’re in.

Children and work

Darren also acknowledged how easily children can become the central focus of a home, not in a harmful way, but in a way that gradually shifts the balance of relationships.

While children are a gift, he said, an over-focus on them can unintentionally place strain on marriage.

“I have seen marriages fall apart when the focus is on kids only.”

As seasons change, capacity changes too. What worked in one stage of life doesn’t always translate to the next. But instead of drifting through those changes, Darren encouraged couples to stay intentional and connected through them.

“We don’t want to drift into a lonely marriage… keep that priority so we stay connected and close and in love through the years.”

He also spoke about the reality of work and ministry life, where boundaries can blur easily, and work can begin to take more than its share of energy.

In those seasons, home life can unintentionally receive what’s left over, rather than what’s best.

Intentionality of priorities

But Darren brought it back to a simple grounding idea: home is not secondary to purpose, it is part of it.

“Your first ministry is at home, that’s where it begins.”

One of the most practical shifts, he said, is not structural but conversational. Instead of assuming what the other person needs, couples benefit from asking directly and honestly.

A simple question can begin to re-align everything:

“How can I support you better in this season so we can be better connected?”

It opens space for honesty, adjustment, and shared understanding of capacity in a given season of life.

“How can we live inside of our capacity and thrive where we are at with our marriage priorities?”

Ultimately, Darren’s message comes back to something simple but easy to lose in the middle of busy life: connection doesn’t drift into health on its own. It takes intention.

Not perfection. Not pressure. But small, consistent choices that keep the right things in the right order.

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The skill most of us get wrong

Warren Davies shares about the difference between listening and just hearing someone, beginning by painting a picture of the difference, using his line of work as an example.

Ting Symbol

“I first came across the concept doing a domestic violence course with Lifeline and there was on a page a Chinese symbol and it’s the Ting symbol which is the symbol of listening more than just you know hearing. It is where you are listening with your whole body.”

He explained that this involves listening not only with your ears, but also eyes and heart; giving that person your undivided attention and respect.

“I always thought I was a really good listener too and I think most of us do. We sit there, we nod, we wait for our turn to actually speak. Do we really hear the words, or do we just give responses that sound right?”

Words Matter Least

Warren said he was really challenged by this thought, especially working in the disaster recovery space.

“Those five key areas are really what it takes, listening with your ears is more than words. We all hear the words but it is often the least important part.”

He explained that listening to the person’s tone of voice, how they are talking, even a slight crack in the voice.

“They might say, ‘I’m fine,’ but you really know that they’re really screaming out the opposite.”

The Signs We Can See

He listed an example of a young vet that came up to him. The bushfire had taken a heavy toll on her and she exhibited most of those signs.

“I picked it up straight away just with my eyes. I was listening to her but my eyes were seeing that she was avoiding eye contact, her shoulders were dropped and her hands were fidgeting and she was hardly staying still.”

He said it is more important to hold space for the person than to interject or jump in to try and fix it or compare stories.

“You’ve got to suspend judgment because real listening asks you to put your own story.

“The most important part of listening with your whole body is the heart,” said Warren.

“That’s where the real connections are made. You’re really connecting with that person. It is important when it comes to heavy conversations and you really have to be listening to what that person’s saying, but more than just with your ears.”

He said it is more important to hold space for the person than to interject or jump in to try and fix it or compare stories.

“You’ve got to suspend judgment because real listening asks you to put your own story.

“The most important part of listening with your whole body is the heart,” said Warren.

“That’s where the real connections are made. You’re really connecting with that person. It is important when it comes to heavy conversations and you really have to be listening to what that person’s saying, but more than just with your ears.”

1. Give Undivided Attention

“One of the things that I’ve realised is you don’t have to have answers and advice to many of these tough questions. Most of the time we’ve just got to hold space and just you don’t have to say anything. That presence of being there and that person knowing that you’re giving them your undivided attention, you’ve got their back is more than enough.”

2. Be Present

“I’ve learned that people are not looking for answers or solutions and some of them are in pretty dark places.”

3. Hear Them

“They’re just needing someone to truly listen to them to be seen and heard. I’ve learned that listening is not a passive thing. It is an active, intentional, powerful thing that you can do for someone else that’s really important. It’s not about having the right words but making them feel genuinely heard and not judged.”

4. Don’t Rush Them

“Don’t dismiss their thoughts or opinions. Don’t rush them to finish a thought. Give them permission to keep going. Some people are feeling really defeated; there are a lot of heavy challenges in the world at the moment.”

He added, that in his line of work in bushfire relief, people are having a lot of difficult conversations, and it is something he comes into contact with a lot.

“You don’t have to have the words to interject or put into that conversation. You’ve just got to let them talk.”

The Unbreakable Farmer

“One of the things I’ve been intentionally doing, particularly in the bushfire, you know, working in the bushfire recovery is that I’ve been trying to articulate my thoughts and my feelings and what I’ve been seeing into words, either on my social media or my blog.”

“The most important questions you can ask someone in a day is, ‘How are you going?’ But most of us now just are too busy and don’t have the time to even stop and listen to the answer,” said Warren.

“Being able to have the presence to stop and listen could change that person’s day. So we need to listen with our whole body, not just our ears.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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Data tells us that in Australia, more than 20 percent of us have no close friends.

Combined with the perceived difficulty of making friends in adulthood and shallowness in existing friendships, we’re in what Friendship Lab founder Sheridan Voysey calls a “wellbeing crisis” that needs remedying.

In 2008 when he was attending a seminar on becoming a foster parent, Sheridan was asked a question by the moderator that motivated the development of Friendship Lab.

“Who could you call at 2am when everything has gone wrong?,”

“I sat there with my pen hovering over the workbook because I couldn’t think of whose name to write down.”

In the busyness of work and media commitments as a writer, broadcaster and husband, Sheridan realised he’d neglected connection and his friendships suffered.

“That was my personal wake-up call,” Sheridan said.

Through Friendship Lab, Sheridan now provides resources that teach the often-overlooked basics of finding and maintaining friendships so we can be more intentional about these fundamental relationships.

“We mistake friendship for almost every other relationship,” Sheridan said.

“As wonderful as [our] colleagues are, they are not our friends. Colleagues can become our friends, but [a friend] is someone I can talk to, depend on, grow with and enjoy.”

Sheridan suggests that most of us just expect friendships to happen without thought. And the truth is, they just don’t.

“We’ve just neglected it,” Sheridan said.

“There’s this kind of myth around that friendship should just be something that happens. And the corollary to that is, that if it hasn’t happened maybe there’s something wrong with me, and that’s not going to help at all.”

Another challenge to friendship, is knowing how to have the difficult conversations required to help it thrive over time and survive changing life seasons.

The “RADAR” method

Sheridan approaches these conversations with the “RADAR” method:

• Reaffirm the friendship.
• Address a specific incident.
• Describe how it made you feel.
• Ask for feedback.
• Request different behaviour if needed.

“[This dialogue] is actually an act of affection,” Sheridan said.

“It’s saying, ‘I value this friendship enough to have the awkward conversation.’”

The rise in AI friendships

Globally, trends also indicate a rise in the number of people turning to artificial intelligence for friendship which Sheridan finds especially concerning.

“The research in both the UK and in Australia is that somewhere around 30 to 33 percent of adults have now turned to a chatbot for companionship and friendship,” Sheridan said.

“It’s concerning because the loneliest and the most isolated are the most prone to do that. And it’s a classic bait and switch.

“The chatbot will promise you that [it’s] going to solve your loneliness [but] all the research that’s coming out now is actually suggesting it’s doing exactly the opposite: it makes you more lonely, makes you more isolated.

“People who use AI friends over a period of time are becoming more narcissistic, more self-centred, and unable or unwilling to see that they are at fault.”

If society carries on down a path where we neglect human connection and fail to develop the skills required for healthy friendships, Sheridan sees it as a tragic departure from our God-given design.

God is inherently relational

“Christians understand God as being Father, Son, Holy Spirit: one God, somehow made up mysteriously of three persons.

“Relationship is the very essence of God’s nature.”

“We’ve been made in God’s image, so we are made to relate to other people.”

Sheridan believes the Church has an important role to play in rebuilding community and helping people reconnect in meaningful ways.

“Your local church is one of the few organisations that regularly brings a variety of people together every week,” Sheridan said.

“We need other people,” he said.

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

About the Author: Laura Bennett is a media professional, broadcaster and writer from Sydney, Australia.

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Most couples struggle because love is getting lost in translation.

One person is showing love by working hard, helping with the kids, paying the bills, or getting things done around the house. The other person is longing for affection, words, quality time, or emotional connection.

Both may be trying. Both may even love deeply.

But if love is not being expressed in a way the other person can actually receive, it can leave both people feeling unseen, unappreciated, and disconnected.

This is where the idea of “love languages” can be helpful.

The five love languages, made popular by Gary Chapman, are usually described as words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and gifts. They give couples a simple framework for understanding how each person tends to give and receive love.

But here is the important part: love languages are not meant to become labels. They are meant to become a doorway.

A doorway into better listening. Better noticing. Better loving.

Because the goal is not just to know your spouse’s love language.
The goal is to become fluent in love.

Love is not just what you mean. It is what they experience.

One of the greatest mistakes we make in marriage is assuming our intention is enough.

“I meant well.”
“I was trying.”
“That’s just how I show love.”
“They should know I love them.”

But love is not only about what you intended to communicate. It is also about what your spouse actually received.

You may feel like providing financially is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you sit with them and ask about their day.

You may feel like physical affection is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you speak encouragement over them.

You may feel like doing practical jobs around the house is love.
Your spouse may feel most loved when you slow down and give them your full attention.

This is why love requires humility.

It asks, “How do you feel loved?” Not just, “How do I prefer to give love?”

Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” That is deeply practical in marriage. It means love learns the other person. It studies them. It pays attention.

A healthy marriage is not built on loving your spouse in the way that is most convenient for you.

It is built on learning to love them in a way that reaches them.

Love languages are helpful, but they are not the whole story.

Love languages can be a great conversation starter, but they are not a complete relationship system.

Recent relationship research has questioned whether every person has one fixed “primary” love language, or whether matching love languages is the secret to relationship satisfaction. A 2024 review argued that the popular assumptions behind love languages are not strongly supported by the full body of evidence.

That does not mean love languages are useless. It means we should use them wisely.

Think of love languages less like a diagnosis and more like a map. A map can help you understand the terrain, but it is not the destination.

The goal is not to say, “My love language is quality time, so you must love me exactly this way forever.”

The goal is to say, “This is one of the ways I often feel most connected to you.” That shift matters. Because mature love is not demanding. It is discerning.

It learns.
It adapts.
It serves.

The deeper need underneath every love language is connection.

Whether your spouse loves words, affection, time, help, or thoughtful gifts, the deeper longing is often the same:

“Do you see me?”
“Do I matter to you?”
“Are you thinking of me?”
“Can I still reach you?”
“Are we okay?”

This connects with what Dr John Gottman calls “bids for connection”—small attempts to reach for attention, affection, support, humour, or closeness. Gottman describes bids as a fundamental unit of emotional communication, and healthy couples learn to turn toward these bids rather than ignore or reject them.

That means love is not only found in the grand gestures. It is found in the small responses.

Looking up when they speak.
Texting back with warmth.
Saying thank you.
Holding their hand.
Helping without being asked.
Noticing when they are overwhelmed.
Remembering what matters to them.

Love languages work best when they help us turn toward each other more often.

Because connection is built in the small moments we choose not to miss.

The five love languages in real life

Words of affirmation say, “I see the good in you.”
This looks like encouragement, appreciation, blessing, gratitude, and speaking life. Words matter. Proverbs 18:21 reminds us that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” In marriage, your words can either become a weapon or a covering.

Quality time says, “You have my attention.”
This is not just being in the same room. It is presence. Eye contact. Conversation. Shared moments. Listening without rushing. Your spouse should not have to compete with your phone for your attention.

Acts of service say, “You are not carrying this alone.”
This might look like helping with dinner, taking initiative, doing the job they hate, making life lighter, or noticing what needs to be done. Love often looks like practical support.

Physical touch says, “I am close, and you are safe with me.”
This includes affection, warmth, holding hands, hugs, tenderness, and appropriate intimacy. For many couples, touch communicates reassurance when words fall short.

Gifts say, “I thought of you.”
This is not about materialism. It is about thoughtfulness. A small gift, a note, their favourite snack, or something that says, “I remembered.” The value is often not in the price, but in the meaning.

Each one is simply a different way of saying, “You matter to me.” Healthy love communicates needs without demanding worship from the other person.

Love languages are not about training your spouse to meet every emotional need. They are about helping both of you become more aware, more responsive, and more generous.

The goal is not to be loved perfectly. It is to love faithfully.

A healthy marriage is not built by simply knowing your spouse’s love language. It is built by consistently choosing to speak love in ways they can receive.

It is built when you notice.
When you listen.
When you adapt.
When you serve.
When you repair.
When you turn toward each other again and again.

Because love is not just a language you learn once. It is a life you practise daily.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

Here’s the science behind how many people you can realistically maintain meaningful relationships with, without draining all your energy.

Scroll through your social media platforms and you’ll see plenty of people with over 1000 friends or followers. It might make you feel like you don’t have enough and that you should be befriending people online every chance you get. The question is, how many of those will be truly close friends, the ones you actually talk to, share your life with or call when things get tough?

In our digital age, we’ve built larger social networks than ever before, but many of those connections are just online friends, not meaningful relationships or people we actually journey through life with. 

For mums, navigating friendships can feel even more complex. Between family schedules, kids and the demands of daily life, our social circle shifts dramatically. 

So what’s the optimal number of friends we really need for a good life and is it a smart idea to try to have lots of them?

The science behind how many friends we can have

Oxford University professor and psychologist Robin Dunbar studied how many people we can realistically maintain relationships with. His research, often called Dunbar’s number, found that humans can only manage about 150 meaningful connections at once. This isn’t just about Facebook friends or group chats; it’s about people we genuinely know and interact with in our social lives.

But Dunbar broke this number down further into smaller, nested layers, reflecting different levels of emotional closeness and time investment:

• 3–5 people: Your close circle, those you talk to and interact with daily or almost daily. They’re your close friends, your lifeline during difficult times, the ones you trust completely. The people you share your highs and lows with, laugh and cry together.
• 10 good friends: People who still affect your life deeply. You’d be devastated if something happened to them, but they aren’t your bestest friends.
• 35 casual friends: Those you might see at work, school events or your kids’ activities, people you know a bit about but aren’t fully in your inner world. These could be the mums you chat with each week while watching your kids play soccer. 
• 100 acquaintances: The rest, family members, old classmates and people you keep loosely connected with through social media.

That makes up Dunbar’s 150-person limit, the ideal number of meaningful connections most of us can comfortably sustain.

Age, stage and personality affect our friendships

Your friends group in high school was probably a larger circle. If it wasn’t, you felt left out and certainly not cool. If you were anything like most kids, you cared more about fitting in with a larger group and having lots of friends to share your social life with. In your 20s, quantity might have mattered more, with late nights out, group chats buzzing and larger social networks filled with new friends and shared experiences. The more friends, the better. 

But as we grow older, especially in our 30s and beyond, our priorities shift. Friendships become more about quality than quantity. We begin to value close relationships that bring emotional support and life satisfaction over maintaining a large number of casual friends.

And that’s perfectly normal. As a Pew Research Centre study noted, adults in midlife tend to have a smaller circle of close friendships but report higher life satisfaction because those relationships are deeper and more stable.

Our personality also plays a role. Extroverts may crave a larger circle of people and thrive on constant connection. Introverts, meanwhile, often prefer a small circle of close friends who bring calm and trust. Neither is wrong. It’s about recognising what fits your life best.

Friendships require energy and time

Friendship isn’t a passive thing. Real relationships take energy, emotional availability and most importantly, time. Every person has only so much to give.

When you become a mum, that time and energy get divided between children, family members, work and home life. It’s natural for your social network to shrink. Some friends will drift away; others might move from your close circle to your casual friends layer. That doesn’t mean the friendship failed. It just evolved with your life.

As your social lives change, you inevitably redistribute your attention. If you try to maintain a larger group of friends, you spread your emotional energy thinner and that can leave you feeling drained. 

Is it bad if I only have two close friends?

Not at all. Some people feel perfectly content with one or two close friendships. You might not have a larger circle anymore and that’s completely okay.

Your close friends are the ones you share your highs and lows with, who text to check on you, who know when you’re struggling. Even if that’s just one good friend, that connection can make a massive difference to your mental health and overall life satisfaction.

Psychologists agree that having meaningful connections, even with a small number of people, is one of the strongest predictors of a good life. It’s not about how many friends you have, but whether you have at least one person who truly gets you.

Friendship and wellbeing

Friendships aren’t just nice to have; they’re essential for emotional and physical wellbeing. Strong close relationships buffer stress, reduce loneliness and support better mental health.

According to the Pew Research Centre and other studies, people with supportive friend circles report higher happiness levels, less anxiety and even longer lifespans. A good friend offers emotional support during difficult moments and celebrates with you during the good times.

So, don’t make the mistake of trying to skip out on friends because you have no time or energy. You don’t need five or even two, but you should at least have one close, safe and healthy friend who you can do life with.

For mums, that emotional support can be life-changing. It might be the person who drops off the kids at school when you’re sick or the one who listens without judgement when you’re struggling to balance it all. Those close friendships remind you that you’re not alone and that connection is one of the best forms of self-care.

Building (or rebuilding) your friend circle

If you’ve looked around and realised your close circle has shrunk, don’t panic. It’s never too late to find new friends. Here’s how to be intentional about building meaningful relationships:

1. Assess your social network. Think about who’s in your close circle, friend group and casual friends. Knowing where people fit helps you invest your time wisely.
2. Be okay with a small circle. Don’t measure your friendships by the number of people you know. Two good friends might fill your life more than 20 casual friends.
3. Nurture what you have. Send that message, schedule that catch-up or reply to that text you’ve been putting off. Consistency builds close relationships.
4. Say yes to opportunities. Attend that mums’ meet-up, join a playgroup, volunteer or reconnect with someone from high school. Every person you meet could be the start of a meaningful connection.
5. Accept that friendships change. Some friends will move away or drift as life changes. That’s natural. Focus on the ones who show up and on being that good friend for others.

Quality over quantity

Ultimately, friendship isn’t a numbers game. Whether you have one good friend or a larger social network, the secret is quality. True close friendships bring trust, laughter and stability.

Your social circle doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. For some mums, the ideal number might be a larger circle of people who energise them. For others, a small circle with just one or two close friends feels perfect.

Friendship is about meaningful relationships that make life richer, not busier. 

Article supplied with thanks to Mum’s At The Table

About the Author: Adriana is Mums At The Table’s part-time digital content creator and writes from Kingscliff, Queensland.

Feature image: Canva

Danniebelle shares a heartfelt glimpse into holding onto a lifelong dream

It’s a dream she’s carried since she was a little girl.

Not a vague idea, but a clear picture – a family, built on love, partnership, and the kind of care she watched her own parents model so beautifully. It’s still there, still strong, unchanged in its essence.

Only now, it sits alongside another reality… It hasn’t happened yet.

“My biggest dream from when I was a little kid was that I would be a mum… and it still is.”

There’s something disorienting about dreams without timelines. We get used to milestones in life – school, work, relationships – often mapped out in neat succession. But some of the deepest desires don’t come with a calendar date. They unfold in their own time, or sometimes, feel like they’re taking longer than expected.

Uncertainty can feel like a mystery

For Danniebelle, that uncertainty can feel like a mystery she’s learning to live with.

Not solve. Not rush. Just live with.

“I don’t know the date, I don’t know the time… it all feels like a bit of a mystery.”

There are moments, she admits, where the questions get loud. Nights where she turns it over in her mind, “Why hasn’t this happened for me?” Moments sparked by something as simple as a film or a fleeting love story on screen, highlighting the absence of something she longs for deeply.

And yet, alongside the questioning sits a quiet resolve.

A choice not to get lost in the “what ifs”.

Keep trusting… even while we wait

Instead, she’s learning to place that dream gently into God’s hands; to trust that a desire so deeply rooted isn’t there by accident, or as some kind of cruel tease.

It’s a trust that isn’t always easy.

There are times when God feels silent on the subject. Times when the gap between hope and reality feels wide. Times when comparison sneaks in – when it’s tempting to look at others and think the grass might be greener somewhere else.

But almost as quickly as those thoughts come, they’re challenged.

Because with age has come perspective. A growing awareness that comparison rarely brings peace, and that even the paths that look ideal from the outside can hold their own complexity and pain.

Life, after all, rarely turns out exactly as imagined.

“I’ll immediately go, ‘oh yeah, the grass is greener over there’ but then straight away go, ‘no, I can’t think like that.’”

Danniebelle and Brendan both acknowledged that reality: the relationships they’ve seen break down, the families reshaped by loss or hardship, the unpredictability of life. It’s enough to make anyone pause and wonder what the future might hold.

Even, at times, to question the dream itself.

There are moments when Danniebelle has looked at the state of the world – the chaos, the uncertainty – and quietly wondered what it would mean to bring children into it. It’s not a loss of hope, but a reflection of how deeply she cares about the kind of world future generations will inherit.

And yet, through all of it, one anchor remains. A verse she returns to again and again: “For I know the plans I have for you…” (Jeremiah 29:11).

It’s not a quick fix or a neat answer. But it is a reminder that even when she can’t see the full picture, she’s not forgotten. That her life isn’t defined by what hasn’t happened yet, but by what’s already been given.

And that list, she realises, is full.

Family. Friends. Meaningful work. A community of listeners. A life rich with connection and purpose.

It doesn’t replace the dream but reframes it.

Rather than becoming consumed by what she doesn’t have, she’s choosing to invest in what she does. To pour her love, energy and attention into the people and opportunities already in front of her.

And to trust that the rest will come in the right time. Or in the right way. Or in a way that may look different from what she imagined.

“I don’t want to be distracted by what I don’t have when I have everything right now.”

This was a reminder that so many people can relate to as they are walking similar paths, carrying similar hopes, often quietly.

Dreams that feel delayed.

Questions without answers.

A tension between trust and longing.

And in sharing her story, Danniebelle gave language to that space, not as something to fix, but something to gently hold.

Because sometimes, the bravest thing we can do is keep trusting… even while we wait.

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

Feature image: Supplied