Every relationship consists of two people, but the hard truth was the most consistent factor in my failed relationship, was me.

You’d think we’d be better in a relationship the second time around. But that’s usually not the case. Statistically, second and third marriages are more likely to end in divorce than first marriages. That’s a confronting reality, especially for those who have already lived through the breakdown of a relationship and hope to avoid it from happening again.  

A common assumption is that the problem was the person we were with. Maybe it was a chemistry issue, an ongoing conflict or something else. When all else has failed, the solution seems obvious—find someone better, more compatible and everything will work out. 

To be fair, there’s some truth to that. While it’s rarely the case that one person is entirely at fault and the other completely without it, not all relationships are equal. Sometimes one person brings far more dysfunction into the dynamic than the other. In those cases, pairing with a more emotionally secure partner will likely lead to a healthier relationship. That doesn’t mean they have nothing left to work on—it simply reflects that they were operating from a stronger foundation.

But what if that’s not your situation? What if you were the more dysfunctional one? That’s the part I’ve had to come to terms with.

While every relationship consists of two people, I’ve come to realise that the most consistent factor in my failed relationship . . . was me. That was a hard truth to come to, but a necessary one. Because for people in my position, simply finding someone new won’t solve anything.

Think about it. If the core issues are internal, changing the person doesn’t change the pattern, it just relocates it. The same tendencies, reactions and blind spots will show up again no matter who you’re with and will cause trouble all over again. 

My experience was painful. But it was also a necessary wake-up call. It forced me to confront parts of myself I hadn’t wanted to see and rethink what actually makes a relationship work. So, I thought I’d share what I’ve learnt on my journey so far. 

Communication Is Good, Emotional Safety Is Better

“Communication is key” is one of the most common pieces of relationship advice shared. And for good reason—good communication is essential. But communication isn’t the foundation, it’s the result of something deeper: emotional safety.

Emotional safety is what allows someone to say what they actually feel, not just what feels acceptable to say. It’s the sense that even the most difficult emotions and uncomfortable truths—whether anger, loneliness or resentment—can be expressed without fear of it blowing up in your face. It means you don’t have to edit yourself to keep the peace or be accepted but can be fully and authentically you with another person. When this is missing, communication breaks down before it even begins.

The truth is, when it doesn’t feel safe to be honest, people will just stop being honest. They’ll hold back from what they’re feeling and learn to bury their issues.   

In my own experience, I am able to look back and recognise how often I failed to provide that safety. When honest truths were expressed, I responded in ways that shut them down. I was defensive, I minimised, I tried to fix things instead of just listen. Even subtle reactions can communicate to someone that it’s not safe to be honest. 

When that happens consistently, your partner will stop bringing things to you. They’ll cease trying to communicate. Not because everything is fine, but because it doesn’t feel like it will go well if they do. When conversations don’t happen, the relationship becomes fragile. Not from direct conflict itself, but from the absence of the kind that actually resolves things.

A helpful way to think about this is how fire departments manage high-risk areas. Rather than just waiting around for a massive, catastrophic wildfire, they carry out controlled burns, clearing away built-up fuel before it becomes dangerous. It’s the same in relationships. 

Those tough conversations can feel threatening, but when there’s emotional safety, they act like controlled burns. They clear what’s been building and reduce pressure, creating space for understanding and growth.

Without them, everything stays hidden and the pressure builds until eventually something small sets it off. What looks like a sudden collapse is often the result of an accumulation of months, years or decades of unspoken frustrations. 

This is why emotional safety matters so much. It allows problems to be addressed early and conflict to be turned into something that strengthens rather than destroys.

So yes, communication does matter. But without emotional safety, it never really gets off the ground.

Work On Yourself, For Yourself

If emotional safety is foundational, why do so many of us struggle to create it for others? 

In my experience, it’s not a lack of intent, it’s a lack of capacity. When I was faced with difficult feedback, especially things that reflected back on me, I didn’t handle it well. I reacted in ways that shut it down. While I could justify those reactions at the time, the issue wasn’t the conversation itself, but my response to it.

I simply didn’t have the capacity to hear certain truths about myself. So when my partner would express how she felt, my instinct wasn’t to understand, but to defend, correct, escape or accuse her of what she was saying about me. In reality, that was what she was actually feeling. As a result, my avoidant responses weren’t solving anything—they were just invalidating her emotional world and damaging the relationship in the process. 

The best way forward would have been to build my capacity—not to only hear what she was saying, but to respond in a way that would lead to repair, not rupture. But that kind of change doesn’t come from surface level effort. It requires deeper work—understanding why something triggers you, why defensiveness shows up and why certain truths feel threatening.

This work has to be, at least primarily, intrinsically motivated.

When your relationship is on its last leg, it’s easy to become outcome-driven. You want to fix things, win them back, change their mind. But if that’s your chief motivation for doing the work, it will eventually stop.

If things start to improve, the urgency fades and the effort drops off, because it feels like you’ve done enough. If things don’t improve, the effort fades for a different reason—namely, because it seems like nothing is changing. Either way, the change doesn’t last.

That’s the problem with outcome-driven growth aimed at changing a person’s mind—it’s unstable because it depends on how the other person responds. The only sustainable path is to work on yourself, for yourself. Not to win someone back, to prove a point or to stop hearing things you don’t like—but to understand why you react the way you do and to learn to respond differently. 

When you do that kind of work, it changes the way you show up, not just in one relationship, but in all of them.

Don’t Need Them, Choose Them

When someone can’t manage their internal world, they often begin to rely on their partner to do it for them. Over time, this creates a lopsided dynamic, where one person becomes the caregiver and the other becomes the dependent, leaning on that support without learning to stand on their own. 

Of course, caring for each other is part of a relationship. But when one person avoids their own baggage and the other carries it, equilibrium is lost. One gives far more than they receive and over time leads to exhaustion and a growing sense of discontent for the person carrying the load.

Looking back at my relationship, I hadn’t developed the ability to manage my emotions. So when I found someone willing to shoulder that for me, it felt deeply satisfying. But satisfying doesn’t necessarily mean healthy.

Eventually, I began to operate from a place of need. Without realising it, I came to believe that I couldn’t live without this person. She was my whole world! 

We’ve all heard this idea—and maybe even sung along to it. Harry Nilsson sang, “I can’t live, if living is without you.” James Arthur sang, “You’re nobody ‘til somebody loves you.” And Whitney Houston sang, “I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don’t have you”. 

These ideas sound romantic in love songs, but they’re not so great in a relationship. The pressure it puts on the other person is enormous. It’s a weight no-one should have to bear.

I’m convinced a healthier approach is to come from a place of want, not need. Two people who retain their identity, take responsibility for themselves and choose to share their lives. There is care, love, commitment and support—but not absolute dependence. 

Getting there, of course, is a journey, especially if you already tend toward dependence. For me, learning about attachment styles and applying that knowledge to my situation has been hugely enlightening. It’s helped tremendously in understanding what’s been driving my behaviour in relationships and how to become better moving forward.

The last two years have been the most difficult and painful time of my life. But it’s also been incredibly fruitful. To anyone who’s gone through a long-term relationship breakdown, I’m so sorry. I know how hard it is. I know the feeling of a heartache so deep that it feels like it’s going to consume you. I know what it’s like to want to give up. 

But I also know there’s another side to the story. I know that you can get through this. And I know the brokenness can lead to healing.  

Name withheld for privacy

Feature image: Via Canva.com

It’s never too late to invest in your marriage.

Is counselling for grandparents “a thing?” The short answer is: yes.

As the National Grandparent Movement’s Ian Barnett puts it, “Married life, like most of life, has particular seasons… It doesn’t somehow get easier if you’ve been married 20 or 30 years. For many couples, it can get harder.”

Ian encourages older couples to see counselling as growth, not failure.

“My wife and I have done counselling… we’ve done a number of marriage courses… If you don’t set aside time, sadly, [issues] just get glossed over until a point in time happens,” Ian shares.

Honest reflection and real change

A common hurdle is simply getting started.

“It’s really hard… when you start to reflect or analyse, you may have to change. Therein lies the problem,” Ian says.

He notes that whatever isn’t faced earlier “you do carry it on into your… later years.”

Many couples only consider getting help when a big issue surfaces.

“Let’s all admit that you need to do something, okay? And the something might depend on what’s happening.”

Don’t let problems fester

Drawing on timeless relationship wisdom, Ian shares a practice that’s helped in his own marriage.

“One of the most helpful pieces of marriage advice comes from Ephesians 4 about not letting the sun go down on your anger. You can’t ignore it. These things in life you cannot ignore.”

Practical first steps can be simple and kind.

“The best thing you can do if you haven’t wrestled with an issue is to be honest and to say to your husband or wife, look, there is something we need to talk about… I’d like you to extend grace to me as I try and say the things I need to say.”

Counselling with care and purpose

It’s always advisable to seek a qualified professional when possible.

“I’d probably encourage people to think about someone who’s a professional counsellor, someone who’s actually gone through a process of being able to listen to the issue [and] provide a helpful way forward.”

And for those hesitant to begin, he offers reassurance.

“If you can find value in actually sharing lovingly and graciously and opening lines of communication and listening and showing love… that’s a great thing.”

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

Feature image: Canva

Ian Barnett’s level of preparation for being a grandparent was “absolutely nothing”.

Quite the admission on Grandparenthood from the leader of the National Grandparent Movement Australia, who has been a grandfather for 17 years.

To better prepare others, Ian shared the top seven things he wants you to know about grandparenting, especially if grandchildren have not even arrived yet.

1. Grandchildren change your perspective

Looking back, Ian wishes he had known how much grandparenting would reshape his view of life.

“Having grandkids gives you a real different perspective about what’s important and what’s not important,” he said.

“You actually now can have time to stop and reflect and to be intentional and have an impact on grandkids.”

What once felt urgent often doesn’t seem so important anymore.

“Having grandkids gives you a real different perspective about what’s important and what’s not important.”

2. There’s no ‘Mum and Dad guilt’

One of the biggest surprises for Ian has been the freedom that comes from not carrying the daily pressures of parenting.

“As a grandparent now, if I’m on the floor playing with my grandkids, I don’t have to get up to do the next thing,” Ian said.

Reflecting on his years as a father, he added: “It’s okay if the washing is done later; I don’t think I realised that as a parent.

“As a grandparent, I really do.”

3. Your grandkids already think you’re grand

Forget appearances, achievements or status.

“Our grandkids think we are grand,” Ian said.

“They don’t mind that we’re wrinkly.

“They don’t mind that our hair’s changing colour. They accept you for who you are.”

For grandkids, love and presence matter far more than perfection.

4. Love runs deeper than you expected

For Ian, love sits at the centre of everything.

“You don’t realise how much love you have in your tank until grandkids come along,” he said.

Seeing his children become parents has brought fresh appreciation for family and faith.

“Love is the pivot of everything else. Unconditional. Let them know it, let them see it.”

5. Nothing beats a child’s laughter

Among all the lessons of being grandfather to seven grandchildren, one stands out for its simplicity.

“There’s nothing like the laughter of kids,” Ian said. “That is such a great experience.”

Even after an exhausting day, he says replaying those moments brings joy and renewed energy.

6. They give you hope for the future

In a world often dominated by difficult headlines, grandchildren remind Ian the future is worth believing in.

“They are the hope for the future,” he said.

While concerns about youth mental health and online pressures are real, Ian finds confidence in seeing young people grow, learn and embrace faith.

“Jesus himself has actually come and brought us new life and a new hope.”

7. They remind you what really matters

The final lesson should resonate with us all, at any stage of life.

“There are things that really matter and there are things that absolutely don’t matter in life,” Ian said.

Watching his grandchildren grow has shifted his focus away from performance and towards relationships.

“Being loved, feeling loved, that really matters above all the other achievements you want them to have,” Ian said.

After 17 years as a grandfather, Ian’s advice is straightforward: “Love more, engage more, listen more and talk less.”

Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.

About the Author: Ben hosts Mornings on Hope 103.2 and the ‘Money: Faith & Finance’ podcast.

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Why being heard matters more than we realise.

Most people have experienced the feeling of speaking while having a sense that they are not truly being listened to. The words seem to fall to the ground, and the conversation can feel almost like it’s one-sided. It is an experience that is often painful. But why?

The answer extends beyond simple frustration. In those moments, the mind is often trying to make sense of what it is experiencing. Thoughts may emerge such as, Maybe I’m not very interesting. Others may interpret the experience as disrespectful. Alternatively, there may be recognition that the other person is distracted by something unrelated to the conversation.

These different interpretations reflect more than individual thinking styles. They point towards a common human need: the desire to be heard, understood, and accepted. Psychological research consistently suggests that people have a fundamental need to belong and feel connected with others. When someone listens with genuine attention, it communicates, Your thoughts matter. You matter. Conversely, feeling ignored can create a sense of disconnection, regardless of whether the other person’s inattention was conscious or not.

The opposite experience can be profoundly powerful. Being listened to without judgement, assumptions, or the immediate urge to offer solutions often creates a sense of being genuinely known. Research on therapeutic relationships has repeatedly shown that feeling understood and emotionally validated can assist in reducing distress. Often, the simple experience of being heard is more healing than receiving advice.

Ideas to support feeling heard

Cultivating these experiences begins with recognising that not every relationship has the same capacity for emotional connection. Some people consistently demonstrate empathy and attentiveness, while others may struggle to offer these qualities for a variety of reasons. Investing in relationships that have shown the capacity for genuine listening is more likely to foster meaningful connection.

There are also seasons when finding someone who feels safe to talk to can be difficult. In those moments, patience and self-compassion become important. Deep relationships often develop gradually rather than after one or two conversations.

Equally important is the opportunity to become the kind of listener that many people long for. Genuine listening involves giving full attention, seeking to understand before responding, and resisting the impulse to immediately solve the problem. More often than not, people first need to feel understood before they are ready to consider advice.

Being heard is a powerful human experience. It strengthens connection, supports self-worth, and lets people know that they do not have to carry life’s challenges alone. It is both a gift to receive and one to be given, creating greater belonging and meaning in everyday life.

The Centre for Effective Living is an award-winning Psychology and Well-Being practice serving the Upper North Shore of Sydney.

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Connection is a fundamental part of being human

It shapes how we see ourselves, how we experience the world, and how we cope during difficult times. When we feel connected, our mental and emotional wellbeing are often stronger and more supported.

Small, everyday interactions, like a friendly exchange with your local barista, and how these micro-connections can gently buffer against loneliness. These moments matter more than we often realise. But while they offer important emotional lifts, they are only one piece of the puzzle.

This brings us to a deeper layer of connection: meaningful community. If weak ties help us feel momentarily seen, meaningful communities help us feel truly known. And it’s within these spaces that some of the most profound benefits for our mental wellbeing can emerge.

The Human Need to Belong

Humans are inherently social beings. Our brains and bodies are shaped for connection, and our wellbeing is deeply influenced by the quality of our relationships. Feeling connected to others provides a sense of safety, stability, and support in our day-to-day lives.

Meaningful community provides:

• A sense of belonging and identity
• Emotional support during difficult times
• Opportunities for shared experiences and growth
• A framework for understanding ourselves and others

What Makes a Community “Meaningful”?

Not all social groups offer the same psychological benefits. A meaningful community goes beyond casual interaction. It is characterised by:

• Consistency: Regular opportunities to gather and connect
• Authenticity: Space to be seen and accepted as you are
• Shared values or purpose: A common thread that brings people together
• Mutual support: Giving and receiving care, not just surface-level interaction

These elements create an environment where individuals feel psychologically safe, a key factor in mental wellbeing.

The Mental Health Benefits

Being part of a meaningful community can have profound effects on mental health:

1. Reduced Loneliness and Isolation
Regular connection with others helps buffer against feelings of loneliness, which is a significant risk factor for depression.

2. Emotional Regulation and Support
Talking through challenges with trusted people helps process emotions and reduces distress. Having our experiences normalised and understood can be deeply regulating.

3. Increased Sense of Purpose
Engaging in a group with shared values or goals gives individuals a sense of meaning, which is strongly linked to life satisfaction and resilience.

4. Improved Self-Worth
Being valued within a community reinforces a sense of worth and identity.

5. Greater Resilience
When facing adversity, those with strong social support systems are better equipped to cope and recover.

The Role of Ritual and Shared Experience

One often overlooked aspect of meaningful communities is the presence of shared rituals or regular gatherings. Whether it’s weekly meetings, group activities, or shared traditions, these moments create rhythm and predictability.

Rituals can:

• Provide grounding in times of uncertainty
• Strengthen group cohesion
• Create a sense of continuity and stability

They act as anchors in our lives, helping us feel connected to something larger than ourselves.

Barriers to Finding Community

Despite its importance, many people struggle to find or maintain meaningful community. Common barriers include:

• Busy schedules and competing priorities
• Social anxiety or fear of vulnerability
• Past experiences of rejection or exclusion
• Over-reliance on digital interaction

Recognising these barriers is the first step toward overcoming them.

Moving Toward Connection

Building or joining a meaningful community doesn’t require perfection. It requires intention. Some starting points include:

• Seeking out groups aligned with your values or interests
• Prioritising regular, in-person connection where possible
• Allowing yourself to be known gradually
• Contributing to the wellbeing of others within the group

Connection deepens over time, not instantly. Small, consistent steps often lead to the most meaningful relationships.

Final Thoughts

Mental wellbeing is not just an individual pursuit. It is deeply relational. While self-care practices are important, they are most effective when supported by a network of genuine connection.

Meaningful community offers something that cannot be replicated through productivity, achievement, or online interaction alone: a sense of belonging. And in that belonging, people often find not only support, but also healing, growth, and a renewed sense of purpose.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Jennifer Chu is a psychologist who is passionate about therapy, experienced in a range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, social adjustment issues, stress management, and cross-cultural issues and more.

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Ending the epidemic of isolation

“We are made for relationships, we are made for connection,” says psychologist, Collett Smart. “Being social is so much a part of what feeds our wellbeing. And when we don’t have connection, we end up lonely.”

Collett is joined by mental health author and speaker, Graeme Cowan, and Hannah Gair, founder of StrongerHERside podcast, to explore the importance of intentional community connection.

Sense of connection

Quoting a recent Beyond Blue survey on how Australians view their wellbeing, Collett shares that although around 30% of Australians say that their wellbeing is excellent as a result of their sense of connection, this number is lower today compared to what it was following the same survey in 2022.

Among the 18-24-year-old age group, half of those surveyed not only said they felt lonely but also felt shame about their loneliness. And having wrongly concluded that their loneliness made them different to their peers, Collett explains, their assumption has the effect of compounding their sense of isolation even further.

Physical wellbeing

Graeme adds that, in addition to an impact on our mental health, our lack of connection can also have a significant negative effect on our physical wellbeing.

“When people feel disconnected and lonely, it’s been shown that it has the same health effect as smoking fifteen cigarettes per day.”

Ultimately, Graeme says, community is about satisfying a fundamental need to belong. He shares his own personal experience of community with other like-minded people who meet once a month and have been doing so consistently – not only enjoying the common interest that brought them together in the first place but supporting each in life as well.

“It’s been going for twenty-five years,” Graeme explains, “and the reason is that sense of community, that bonding. And over that period of time, members have been through divorce, bankruptcy and even death. But they (the group’s gatherings) are a consistent thing that happen every month where you feel you belong.”

Seasons of life changes

Hannah shares that it can also sometimes happen that our needs for community connection can change throughout the seasons of life. As a mum of a child living with a disability, Hannah highlights the importance of taking the time to intentionally look for the right connections for whatever stage or situation you find yourself.

“If you look at statistics for mothers who are raising children with disability, it varies between 60-80% of mothers actually feel isolated, and with isolation, can come a feeling of hopelessness and disconnectedness … it’s super-critical that community is paramount … paramount to getting through that journey.”

What is the best way to find the right community for you?

Collett summarises that our two simplest answers are to either join the community that appeals to us, or, if it doesn’t yet exist, start your own.

“Just put it out there,” Collett encourages, “that you would meet people in a public place; in a coffee shop, so that you’re safe about it. Meet people, because there are other people who are desperate for community, and they’re just waiting for someone to put their hand up and say, ‘Let’s start something!’”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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It starts with a listening ear.

It’s not only the ‘needy’ in our community who benefit from a helping hand. We all need help from time to time, and it can also do us good to be the help that someone else needs, but what is the best way to extend a hand of friendship?

Listening is the best place to start!

CEO of Wayside Chapel, Jon Owen; CEO of Entrepreneurial and Small Business Women Australia, Amanda Rose; and aged care chaplain, Jenny Blok, discuss what it means to lend a helping hand.

Amanda explains that the best helping hand is the one that comes from the heart and goes unseen.

She says that a helping hand is being there when no one else is. People can fuss over someone who has had an accident or done well in business, but when times are tough, often those initial ‘helpers’ are nowhere to be seen. That’s the time to step in privately and give a helping hand.

Jenny adds to this, drawing on her experience in the aged care sector where, she says, offering a helping hand to the elderly is the same as any other stage in life. She emphasises the importance of listening first.

“I think we need to be asking permission as well because we can step in thinking that this person needs us … (but) they’re quite capable of doing things themselves! We don’t want to take away their independence.”

Jon agrees and shares some practical advice he gives to volunteers when they first come to lend a helping hand at Wayside Chapel.

“People just need you to love them … so bring a fresh pair of socks. The moment someone is sharing with you about what it’s like to sleep rough and you’re tempted to download your wisdom, take that fresh pair of socks and shove them in your mouth and just listen.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

Feature image: Canva

What makes a marriage last?

It seems like everywhere we look today there is a new “marriage hack” promising to solve all our problems. Social media projects picture-perfect, storybook marriages all over our feed, convincing us this should be reality. And when we look back at our own marriages and see struggle and conflict, we are left feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled. But the strongest marriages aren’t built on clever life hacks or perfect compatibility. They’re built intentionally, one decision at a time.

Pastor Greg Laurie reminds us that healthy marriages don’t happen by accident. They are cultivated through God’s design and a daily commitment to choosing one another. As Greg puts it, “If you see a marriage that is strong, it’s because they’re working on their marriage. They’re not taking their hand off the wheel.”

Why Do Marriages Drift Apart?

Very few marriages fall apart overnight. More often, distance develops through busy schedules, competing priorities and slow neglect of the relationship. We assume our spouse knows how much we love them, so we stop expressing it. Before long, we’re simply managing life together rather than intentionally building a relationship.

Strong marriages don’t casually drift towards health. They grow because two people spend intentional time investing in one another.

Greg reminds us that every healthy marriage requires ongoing care. Just as you wouldn’t expect a garden to flourish without tending it, a marriage won’t thrive if it’s left on autopilot.

God’s Design Was Always Relationship

Marriage wasn’t humanity’s idea, it was God’s. Greg shares that according to the Bible, “we are built for relationship with one another.”

In Genesis 2, after creating Adam, God declares, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Everything else in creation had been called “good,” yet Adam’s loneliness was the first thing God described as “not good.”

Marriage wasn’t created simply to make people happy. It was God’s loving provision for companionship, partnership and mutual support.

Greg explains that Eve wasn’t created because Adam needed someone to complete household tasks. She was created as “someone who assists another to reach fulfilment.” Together, Adam and Eve reflected God’s intention that men and women flourish through faithful relationship.

When we realise that marriage isn’t just a cultural or “man-made” tradition, but a covenant created by God, it completely reshapes how we approach relationship.

Leave, Cleave and Keep Choosing Each Other

One of the Bible’s most practical principles for marriage comes from Genesis 2:24:

“Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

Greg points out that “marriage begins with the leaving of other relationships.” That doesn’t mean abandoning our families but recognising that a new primary relationship has begun. Our spouse becomes our first earthly priority.

Then comes cleaving. The word means to cling, to hold fast or to be joined together. Greg compares it to superglue. Not in the sense of being “stuck” with someone, but of choosing to hold tightly to one another through every season of life.

Healthy marriages aren’t built on grand romantic gestures alone. They’re built through thousands of small decisions to keep choosing each other every day. Greg encourages us to “have intimacy and closeness and friendship in this marriage that you can cultivate and keep alive forever.”

A Strong Marriage is More Than Romance

Culture often tells us that love is primarily about feelings. It’s all about romance, desire and physical attraction. And if the feelings fade, then the relationship wasn’t meant to be. But biblical love offers a radically different perspective.

Romance is a wonderful gift, but feelings naturally rise and fall. Biblical love is rooted in commitment long before it’s rooted in emotion. It chooses faithfulness when life becomes difficult. It continues serving even when it’s inconvenient.

Greg reminds us that “marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church.” As husbands sacrificially love their wives and wives respond with honour and respect, they display the gospel to the world around them. And when we realise this, we learn to understand that marriage is not just about our own happiness but reflecting God’s faithful love to the world.

Daily Choices Create Strong Marriages

There is no secret formula for a strong marriage, no “marriage hack” that will suddenly make your life easier. There is, however, a daily choice.

Strong marriages are built by couples who keep showing up for one another. Even when it’s hard, they keep communicating, they keep laughing and they keep praying.

But Greg reminds us of the ultimate truth, “our greatest needs are not fulfilled in marriage, our greatest needs are fulfilled in Jesus.” Jesus is the centre of our marriages, not just someone we turn to when things go wrong. When Christ is at the centre of a marriage, love becomes less about getting our own way and more about serving one another. That’s where lasting strength is found.

The secret behind a strong marriage isn’t perfection. It’s two imperfect people, trusting God’s perfect design and choosing, day after day, to keep their hands on the wheel.

Article supplied with thanks to Vision – a non-profit, follower-funded Christian media ministry taking God’s Word to every corner of Australia and beyond through broadcast, online and print media.

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And how to finally solve it…

It starts the same way every time.

Maybe it’s about chores. Or money. Or how one of you shuts down while the other gets louder. The details may change, but the feeling is familiar: frustration, defensiveness, miscommunication. You know how it will go before it even begins. One of you says something. The other reacts. The argument escalates. You both walk away feeling unheard, exhausted, and a little more distant.

If you feel like you’re stuck on repeat, you’re not imagining it. In fact, psychologists call these recurring arguments “conflict cycles”, and they’re one of the most common issues couples face.

But here’s the good news: you’re not doomed to keep looping. With insight and intention, it’s possible to break the pattern and create deeper understanding instead of deeper wounds.

Why Couples Get Stuck in the Same Fight

At the surface, recurring arguments may look like they’re about everyday issues, laundry, parenting styles, weekend plans. But beneath these topics are often deeper, unmet emotional needs.

According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) founder Dr. Sue Johnson, most recurring conflict is not about the issue itself—but about the emotional message behind it. When couples argue about surface issues, what they’re often really saying is:

• “Do I matter to you?”
• “Can I trust you to be there for me?”
• “Will you respond to my needs?”

These are attachment needs, and when they go unacknowledged, they trigger fear, anger, or withdrawal.

“Couples don’t get stuck because they disagree. They get stuck because they can’t get past the emotional loop that disagreement triggers.” – Dr. Sue Johnson

Understanding Your Conflict Pattern

The Gottman Institute refers to these loops as “negative sentiment override.” When couples build up emotional residue over time, they begin to interpret each other’s words through a lens of past hurt. Even neutral comments can feel loaded.

A typical conflict cycle often looks like this:

1. One partner brings up an issue (often with frustration or criticism).
2. The other gets defensive or shuts down.
3. The original partner escalates, feeling ignored.
4. The other retreats further, feeling attacked.
5. Both walk away feeling misunderstood, and the core issue goes unresolved.

This is known in therapy as a pursuer–withdrawer dynamic, a common pattern where one person seeks connection through confrontation, and the other seeks safety through distance.

If left unaddressed, this loop can quietly chip away at emotional safety in the relationship.

When couples start therapy, they often say, “We just argue over stupid things.” But what they’re describing is protest behaviour, a way of saying, “I’m hurting and I don’t know how to reach you.”

Let’s look at a few examples:

• The fight about chores is often really about feeling overwhelmed and unsupported.
• The argument about how much time you’re spending on your phone might actually be about craving attention and feeling disconnected.
• That repeated clash over parenting styles could be tapping into deep fears about safety or being undermined.

Conflict is rarely about what it seems. It’s a bid for connection, just expressed in a way that usually backfires.

How to Finally Break the Cycle

1. Slow Down the Reaction, Name the Pattern

The first step to change is awareness. Begin to notice the cycle instead of blaming the person. Try saying:

• “Hey, I think we’re in that loop again.”
• “This feels familiar, let’s try to pause and reset.”

Labeling the pattern disarms it. It reminds you that it’s not you vs. your partner, it’s you two vs. the cycle.

2. Shift from Blame to Vulnerability

Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try: “I feel hurt when I don’t feel heard. What I really need is to feel like my voice matters to you.”

This shift from accusation to expression lowers defenses and invites empathy. Research consistently shows that vulnerable communication (using “I” statements and expressing emotions) leads to more successful conflict resolution and higher relationship satisfaction (Gottman, 2015; Johnson et al., 1999).

3. Validate Before You Problem-Solve

Often, couples jump into fixing mode, but what’s really needed is emotional validation.

Validation sounds like:

• “That makes sense you’d feel that way.”
• “I can see how that would be hard.”
• “I didn’t realise it impacted you like that. Thank you for sharing.”

This doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with everything, it means you’re choosing empathy over defensiveness. And that opens the door to real resolution.

4. Repair Often and Early

Every couple argues. What separates healthy relationships from unhealthy ones is the ability to repair. According to Dr. John Gottman, the most successful couples aren’t those who avoid conflict, they’re the ones who know how to recover from it.

This might look like:

• A sincere apology: “I’m sorry I snapped. That wasn’t fair.”
• A touch, a laugh, or a moment of softness after tension.
• Coming back to the conversation later, when you’re both regulated.

Repair says: “You matter more than winning this fight.”

5. Consider Therapy to Go Deeper

If you find yourselves stuck in the same argument no matter how hard you try, it might be time to talk to someone who can help untangle the emotional knots beneath the surface.

Therapies like EFT and Gottman-based couples counselling have been shown to be highly effective in reducing negative cycles, improving emotional connection, and increasing satisfaction, even for couples in long-term distress.

As one client once told me, “We didn’t need someone to fix us, we just needed help learning how to hear each other again.”

Recurring arguments aren’t a sign that your relationship is broken. They’re a sign that something underneath is asking to be seen.

Every time you fight about “the same thing,” an invitation is being offered: to get curious, not critical. To move from reaction to reflection. From accusation to understanding.

You may never completely stop disagreeing, but you can stop spinning in circles. Because conflict, when handled well, doesn’t have to divide you.

It can deepen your intimacy.
It can teach you how to show up.
It can be the doorway to a stronger, more emotionally honest marriage.

You just have to learn how to listen to what it’s really saying.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

Feature image: Canva

How finding the right community can help you thrive.

“You can unite over negative things,” says youth worker and mentor, Nathan Brewer, “but if you unite over a healthy thing like sport, or a really positive thing like helping others … it’s so good, and you see people come to life.”

Nathan and Michaela Chanmugam, Marketing and Communications Manager at Samaritan’s Purse, discuss the kind of communities that make a difference.

Community for Young People

Nathan speaks from his many years of experience working with young people to help them thrive. He is passionate to see them create healthy habits and strong pathways for their future, and he knows these things extend significantly from the benefits they see when connected to community.

“The three key things young people want most are purpose, belonging and identity. When you get into a community, you get a chance to do all three, because often a community will be united around a purpose … you belong to a group and can begin to form an identity in that,” Nathan explains.

Community Through Radio

Young people are not the only ones to discover these positive outcomes of being part of a community. And being part of a thriving, purposeful community is a core need we all share.

“(Vision) has over 750 transmitters across the country, so we’re in lots of communities – lots of small places, lots of big capital cities. Throughout all of those places, it’s really about individuals and connecting them,” Fel says.

She shares the example of John, who listened to Vision while isolated and lonely in prison. To him, switching on the radio was like a friend walking into his cell, creating the feeling of community in the most unlikely of places, and helping him cope through a difficult time.

Community Through Volunteering

Similarly, Michaela sees community making a difference through the work of Samaritan’s Purse, both for the volunteers who give their time and energy in the places where they work, and also to those in disaster zones who benefit from the outreaches of Samaritan’s Purse efforts.

“Samaritan’s Purse is an international humanitarian aid organisation … If a disaster strikes, we have people across the world who will mobilise and help communities that are in need.”

Michaela gives an example of the flooding disaster that impacted Taree on the mid-north coast of NSW, where volunteers, who may not have seen each other in years, came together during the day to help those who needed it, and at night, shared a meal and enjoyed each other’s company as if no time had passed at all since they last saw each other.

“It does bond a community (when they) do something important that makes a difference. And to do it with others, you see people thrive, and you see community thrive,” Nathan summarises. “It sounds strange, but to give people the opportunities to pour themselves out for others is a beautiful thing.”

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

Feature image: Canva