Uncovering the invisible mental load

The “mental load” has been getting a lot of airtime in some circles recently. What is it exactly?

Here’s one definition from a psychologist that came via a friend:

“The mental load is the invisible, ongoing physical, cognitive, emotional energy and effort required to manage daily life, a household and a career. And it goes beyond the physical completion of tasks because it includes the ongoing mental checking of remembering, anticipating, planning, organising so many parts of life, like groceries, bills, appointments, childcare. And it can often involve emotional work of monitoring and maintaining relationships as well as managing emotional states of your nearest and dearest. That seems to create sometimes the biggest load – the constant checking of, is everyone around me okay?

The mental load is traditionally framed in reference to mothers. But I would actually expand the definition. For example, when people move out of home, they might move in with flatmates, and there’s the question of who does what? What if they don’t take out the garbage or share their load of caring for the apartment? Another example is when the first baby enters a family. This can be a big transition for couples. And so the question is, how does this load get managed between the parents? And then there’s the other example of elderly parents. How do adult siblings navigate, who does what, when and how?” – Larissa, psychologist

The past 3 months for me have been particularly challenging. When asked, I will usually respond with we are just about coping, or that I’m still alive. It is hard to admit to anyone, even myself that I am finding it nearly impossible to physically staying awake long enough to:

• Work
• Manage my children’s school and daycare needs
• Maintain the house
• Keep my social battery charged
• Show up for agreed commitments
• Show up for extracurriculars at work that I cared about

In fact I’ve had to make some difficult choices as my capacity reached overload levels.

Four things have been helpful as I navigate this mental load:

1. Moving some tasks from manual to automatic

For me, clarity of values and priorities is the most important element of managing mental load. This is because once I am clear on what is most important, the mental load of worrying about whether I am doing enough or doing the right thing is removed entirely.

For instance, in order to serve my family well emotionally and spiritually, the house has to function. This means that while the living room does not need to be perfectly tidy every single day, the daily grind of things like laundry and packing children’s lunches are not negotiable. I find when things are put on the list of “cannot be dropped” they contribute less to my mental load because they happen automatically.

2. Adopting a minimum standard of care

Practically, I personally find the concept of “minimum standard of care” really helpful with managing my own mental load. Taken from Eve Rodsky’s book Fair Play and being similar in concept to workplace project delivery agile concept known as “Definition of Done” (I work as a Project Manager!), the minimum standard of care (MSC) is an agreed acceptable finish line for routine activities.

This can help reduce the worry (“What if my son is annoyed and hungry because lunch wasn’t what he wanted??”) and the blame (“If only he had packed the dishwasher the way I wanted…”). This is because it helps to shrink the misalignment between expectations and reality. It is about figuring out and agreeing (within each household) what “finished” looks like for a specific task and that no further explanations are needed or taking up valuable mental space.

If I ask my kindergartener to get dressed for school, he knows that he has to find a shirt, pants, jumper, socks and shoes. This means just saying “time to get dressed” is enough, and I don’t need to spend more effort mentally thinking about whether what he is putting on will be appropriate.

3. From Compulsion to Conviction

Once the MSC has a baseline, it is easier to work out how much extra “capacity” is available for the next most important things. This is where things that are non-urgent but still important have a place. Things like spending energy planning the next team event taking into consideration logistics, preferences of those attending, and helping the new person not feel excluded.

I can set aside specific capacity to do these things with conviction rather than compulsion because prioritising things consciously means I do not have FOMO (fear of missing out) for the things that were not able to be accomplished.

4. Following a person not a plan

A friend reminded me of this recently – followers of Jesus follow a person and not a plan.

I find this such a good reminder because I’m big on planning (as I mentioned previously, I work as a Project Manager!). This means so much of how I approach life is driven by my desire to be seen as in control and competent. The pressure I put on myself is adding to my own mental load.

Jesus says: “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” [Matthew 11:28-30]

I can come to Jesus and ask him to carry my burdens. He will be good to me.

It doesn’t mean I throw all planning out the window. I still plan, but try to hold my plans a bit more lightly, leaning into Jesus the burden carrier. When I can do that, I find I am less anxious and more adaptable.

Reflection questions

1. Where are you feeling the mental load at the moment?
2. What helps to fuel your mental load?
3. What could you change in terms of your approach to the mental load?
4. What will help make a difference?

Article supplied with thanks to Third Space.

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How to beat the mid-year slump.

Author, Mentor and Speaker Amanda Viviers explores the mid-year wobble, when the energy has worn off, resolutions aren’t prevalent, and many of us are tired and feel like we’ve failed at what we set out to do.

The Essential Mid-Year Reset

Amanda explained why a reset in the middle of the year is essential to avoiding burnout before the year is over. She wrote her master’s thesis on burnout, especially in ministry.

She pointed out that getting her marks back from her thesis was a goal done, as part of her new year aspirations.

“That was one of my goals for the year, right? But if you had have spoken to me three months ago, I was definitely questioning my life choices. Why am I doing this study? Does it really matter?”

Inner Dialogue

Amanda had convinced herself that there was chance she wouldn’t pass.

“I think what I realized in the midst of that is our inner dialogue, the way that we speak to ourselves, actually drains us more than we give it credit for.”

She said a great way to manage this is by setting ourselves smaller, simpler rhythms in our day-to-day in order to curb the pressure and negative self-talk.

“Finding ways to be able to reflect well really changes our relationship with the bigger things in our life.”

Name the Areas

Amanda said that naming the areas that are preventing us from succeeding is part of the goal.

“I think actually naming what’s stopping us from really leaning into the good. So really good reflection and prayer and meditation practices change our ability to be able to do the hard things.”

As an example, Amanda said she has a list of six things she is focusing on.

“Every day I come back to that list and I ask myself, what’s one small thing that I can do to really lean into that?”

Last year she suffered from burnout, so she found that the rhythm of friendship on top of parenting teenagers and volunteering at church reignited her sense of connection.

“So, one of my goals for 2026 is to feel more connected to my friends. So a micro goal around that for me is as simple as call someone today.”

She said that she can wait for other people to contact her when she is busy, but there is a desire to feel connected. Calling her friends is an actionable way to meet that goal and find what she is looking for to reset as she faces the next six months of the year.

Reset and Reframe

“I think it’s really important that we look holistically at our whole life. There’s really good research around burnout and we think it’s workload, I’m doing too much or there is a lot of stress in one area of our life, which is true.”

She continued by zooming out onto the whole picture, in order to reframe what is causing burnout.

“What gives us energy and what drains us? And for all of us, it’s really personal. It changes. All of us have a different relationship with different things.”

Amanda has been holding classes where people write and journal.

“For a lot of people, they think, oh, yeah, journaling, just another thing. Add another 20 minutes, 50 minutes onto my day. Then I have to think deeply about my life and reflection.”

Amanda said that the beauty of journaling is getting out of your head and putting thoughts onto paper in order to gain perspective,

“I’ve had some of the clients that I’ve been working with who are saying to me, I have been struggling with this for three years and the simple act of just writing it down, putting it out on paper, getting some perspective, doing it with someone else, that sense of common clarity together as a group and just feeling like I’m human, I do get things wrong. Just that sense of failure.”

Lean into Failure

Leaning into failure is such a valuable way to learn.

“Often we don’t do the things that we desire to do because we feel so afraid of failing. But the possibility of us being able to really lean into our failures and what are we learning from that failure? What are we learning about why we get stuck in that place? What is God saying to me in this season of my life when I’m sitting with humility with the things where I get stuck?”

The greatest learning stems from that, according to Amanda.

“That is where the energy fires… that aha moment. It’s like, I’ve carried this for so long and it’s now time to put that weight down and to reframe it in a new way.”

The Right Club

The right group of friends will determine how far you take your goals and what effects of burnout you are dealing with.

“There’s some really interesting research around burnout from a researcher called Christina Malak. And she speaks about workload, she speaks about autonomy, that sense of being able to be self-directed. But she speaks really clearly around the power of encouragement and the power of words to be able to really impact us in the positive as well as the negative.”

She said there is power in self-talk, but also in the way that we speak to our children and their schooling. There’s importance in positive reinforcement towards what is good.

Think About Such Things

“How do we get out of our own sense of our inner critic or the imposter that tells us we’re not good enough?”

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” – Philippians 4:8

Amanda said, if someone is outside of that, able to speak with encouragement, exhortation, reminding us who we are in Christ, we can lean into that.

“That is the power of community.”

Make it Smaller

When we are dealing with lofty goals, it is important to start small.

“The world tells us to make our life bigger, so make your life smaller. What is 10 minutes that you could do today? Is it 10 minutes of reading the Bible and asking yourself one question? Walking the block rather than an hour at the gym? Is it 10 minutes of a conversation on a phone with a friend rather than going and staying overnight somewhere.”

She reiterated, we cannot tackle the big things before we start with the small.

Amanda used an analogy of starting small with the big dreams. When she has discussed dreams with her teenage son, he said after school he wants to go to the NBA.

“Okay, mate,” she said, “Let’s just start with 20 baskets in our driveway.”

Top Tips

1. Get out of your head

“Make it physical. At the moment, we have a new puppy. Her name is Cashew. We’ve never had a dog before. And we are trying to train her to go to the toilet outside, you know, all the joys of puppy. We made a bingo card on the fridge and because we want to get the kids involved, they initial each time they take the dog outside.”

2. Gamify it

“How can you put up next to, on the mirror in your bathroom, one thing that you’re going to do and really attain that and do that really simply and find a way to be able to gamify it in a really good way?”

The Importance of Grace

“We are meaner to ourselves than anyone else is to us, and those voices of condemnation actually come from our childhood,” said Amanda.

Perhaps an authority figure said something to us and it frames our inner critic. Amanda said there is a chance to ask if God would show us His thoughts around that part of our life and reframe it with compassion.

“It was really funny, I was speaking at a conference recently and I was talking, got off stage and then another speaker got up and they looked at me and they said, ‘Amanda, God speaks to you so much kinder than he speaks to me.’ And I just sat there and I was like, I have worked so much on reframing how I hear from God as a compassionate, loving father rather than a harsh judge.”

God is Kind

“God is kinder than what we give him credit for. And the way that we hear from him is actually reflected in the way that we speak to ourselves as well. Finding ways to be able to reframe that through scripture, through beautiful worship, and also just reminding ourselves that God loves us, that we are enough, and that he really does believe good things for our year.”

“Grace looks like beginning again through the lens of compassion. It is a powerful way for us to live our everyday.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

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Why people become compulsive overachievers (and how to break the cycle)

Have you ever found yourself glued to your desk, long after the clock has struck five, while your friends and family are out enjoying their evening? You’re not alone. Sadly, the term “workaholic” is becoming increasingly common. It describes those who can’t seem to switch off, often to the detriment of their health, relationships, and overall happiness. But what drives someone to become a workaholic?

The Psychology Behind Workaholism

At the heart of workaholism lies a complex mix of psychological, social, and cultural influences. Understanding these can help address the reasons behind our relentless work habits:

1.Identity and Self-Worth

For many, work is more than just a job; it’s a core part of their identity. We often tie our self-esteem to our achievements at work. When our job becomes our primary source of validation, it’s easy to lose sight of what really matters.

Take Lauren, for instance. As a dedicated project manager, she pours herself into her work, believing that her worth is tied to her output. When she takes on more projects, she feels validated. However, this leaves little room for her personal life, and her friendships begin to suffer.

2. Perfectionism

Many workaholics are also perfectionists, setting impossibly high standards for themselves. This desire for perfection can be debilitating, pushing individuals to work harder and longer to meet their own (often unrealistic) expectations.

A study published in Personality and Individual Differences found a strong link between perfectionism and workaholism, suggesting that those with perfectionistic tendencies are more likely to develop a workaholic mindset. It’s a relentless cycle that can lead to burnout.

3. Fear of Failure

Let’s be honest, fear can be a powerful motivator. Many workaholics worry that if they don’t constantly push themselves, they’ll fall behind or disappoint others.

This fear of failure can drive them to put in extra hours, thinking that hard work is the only way to secure their success.

Society often glorifies hard work, equating busyness with success. In many cultures, particularly in the West, we’re taught that working long hours is a badge of honour. This cultural mindset can make it difficult to step back and take a breather.

In Japan, there’s even a term, “karoshi”, which means death from overwork. It’s a stark reminder of the extreme consequences that can arise from a culture that prioritises work over well-being.

The Digital Age

Technology has transformed how we work, making it easier than ever to be “on” 24/7. Smartphones and laptops allow us to stay connected, but they can also blur the lines between work and home life.

According to a Gallup survey, 43% of employees report feeling burned out at work—a condition that can be exacerbated by the constant connectivity that comes with modern technology (Gallup, 2020).

The Impact of Workaholism

While dedication to work can be admirable, the consequences of workaholism can be severe:

Health Problems: Chronic stress can lead to a host of health issues, including anxiety, depression, and even cardiovascular problems. When work takes precedence over self-care, our bodies often pay the price.

Strained Relationships: Workaholics frequently prioritise their jobs over personal relationships. Friends and family may feel neglected, leading to tension and feelings of isolation.

Decreased Productivity: Ironically, working excessively can backfire. Overwork can lead to fatigue and decreased focus, ultimately diminishing the quality of our work.

Finding Balance: Breaking the Cycle

If you recognise these patterns in yourself, know that you’re not alone- and that it’s possible to change. Here are some strategies to help cultivate a healthier work-life balance:

Set Boundaries

Establish clear boundaries between your work and personal life. Decide on specific hours for work and stick to them. Resist the temptation to check emails or complete tasks outside of these hours.

Prioritise Self-Care

Make time for activities that rejuvenate you—whether that’s exercise, hobbies, or simply spending time with loved ones. Remember, self-care isn’t selfish; it’s essential.

Seek Professional Support
If workaholism is significantly impacting your life, consider speaking with a mental health professional. Therapy can provide valuable tools to manage perfectionism, fear of failure, and the underlying psychological factors that drive workaholism.

Redefine Success

Shift your definition of success to include not just professional achievements but also personal fulfilment and relationships. Remember that a well-rounded life is a successful life.

While the pressures of modern life can make workaholism feel inevitable, we do have the power to make changes.

By recognising the signs and understanding the motivations behind our work habits, we can take proactive steps toward a more balanced life. Finding that equilibrium is a journey, and it’s one that requires small, intentional choices every day. So, let’s make a conscious effort to switch off, take breaks, and embrace the moments that matter.

After all, while hard work can lead to success, true fulfilment comes from a life well-lived, both inside and outside the office.

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

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A proper night’s sleep can be hard to find, but good sleep hygiene habits can go a long way to giving you a restful night.

Sleep is one thing we all need; it’s the foundation of everything we do. Yet sometimes it’s the one thing we can’t get, no matter how hard we try. We can go through seasons of life when we struggle to sleep, especially when there are small children in the house or when we are unwell. There can also be temporary disruptions to sleep due to stress or hormonal changes. Sometimes, it can seem as though we might never get a good night’s sleep again. There are things that we can do to support our sleep, and by creating good habits, we are more likely to get the most out of the sleep we do have.

So what is sleep, and what does it do for us?

Sleep has several stages, including NREM and REM. NREM sleep has 3 stages, each with distinct brain wave patterns and characteristics. Rapid eye movements and vivid dreaming characterise the REM stage of sleep. Although scientists don’t know the full extent of what happens when we sleep, it is vital to our bodies because it allows them to regenerate. Sleep plays a role in allowing our brains to store memories, regenerate tissues, and support cognitive function. We need sleep to help us regulate our mood, emotions, and overall wellbeing.

Consistent Sleep and Wake Time

One of the best ways to support your sleep is to maintain a consistent sleep-wake time. Try going to bed and getting up around the same time, even on weekends. It trains your body when to expect rest, and this consistent pattern has positive implications for mood, sleep and even heart health.

Why Does It Work?

Having a consistent wake time is key to setting your circadian rhythm (body clock). This consistency sets biological processes in motion, including the timing of when your body releases cortisol, the hormone that signals your body it’s time to be awake and alert, and the timing of melatonin production in the evening to prepare for sleep.

Cut The Caffeine

If you’re having trouble sleeping, an automatic reaction is to increase caffeine intake during the day to help you stay awake, which can create a vicious cycle. You don’t sleep, so you reach for caffeine, which can, in turn, affect your sleep. Caffeine makes it harder to fall asleep, leading to lighter sleep, and causes you to need the toilet more during the night. When considering our overall caffeine consumption, we need to recognise that it is a stimulant found in foods like chocolate and in many drinks, such as tea, coffee, and cola. Controlling your caffeine intake can significantly improve your sleep.

Why Does It Work?

It is important to note that not everyone responds to caffeine the same way. Some people are more sensitive to caffeine than others, while I have found I have a lower tolerance for caffeine as I age. One way caffeine works in our brains is by blocking adenosine receptors. Adenosine is a chemical that builds up in our brains while we are awake; the more we have, the sleepier we feel. When caffeine blocks the receptors, it can be one of the factors that disrupts sleep, so reducing caffeine allows the natural process to continue. Limiting my coffee intake to two cups a day and not drinking coffee after 12pm has significantly improved my ability to fall asleep and stay asleep.

Ban Bed Rotting

Have you heard the term bed rotting? It refers to the tendency to stay in bed for long periods while awake, binging on Netflix, scrolling on devices, or reading to relax or avoid stress. Bed rotting as a one-off is not necessarily bad, but it can become habitual. Using our bed for things other than sleeping (and intimacy) can affect sleep. If you are struggling to sleep, make it a habit to only use your bed for sleeping and not treat it like a couch. If you are lying awake at night, get out of bed, sit in a darkened room and read until you feel sleepy and then go back to bed.

Why Does it Work?

When we have trouble sleeping, our brain starts to associate the bed with being awake. We can start to link it with anxiety around sleep or with stress. When we start using it as a place to hang out and watch movies or scroll, we add to that association, and before we know it, bed is for everything except sleep. Using your bed only for sleep starts to retrain your brain to see the bed as a place for rest and sleep.

Sleep is a really important part of our overall health and wellbeing, and extensive research is being conducted on the many ways it helps us. If you are struggling with sleep for an extended period and have no explanation for it, it’s worth getting some help. There are a number of specialists who can help with sleep issues, including GPs, psychologists, and naturopaths.

These are just some ways you can support your sleep. Sleep is the foundation on which everything else is built; small changes and good sleep routines can make all the difference.

Article supplied with thanks to Lorrene McClymont.

About the Author: Lorrene McClymont is a writer and photographer from Hope Images. On her blog ‘Moments to Rest’, she shares about rest, faith, and family.

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What domestic and family violence survivors need most is a friend who will listen, believe them, and support them.

When it comes to breaking the cycle of domestic and family violence, small acts of support make a powerful difference.

Simply listening and believing a victim’s story, and offering practical help, could be the lifeline that helps someone break free, even saving their life.

Lilly McKeich is a National Domestic and Family Violence Specialist with the Salvation Army, which helps more than 10,000 people a year in situations of violence.

Lilly says that what victims need most, is to be heard.

“The most powerful thing you can do is definitely listen and believe someone,” she says. “[Because] situations of abuse are so often characterised by silencing and by isolation.”

It’s also vital to respect a victim’s choices, rather than ‘taking charge’.

“Don’t try to rescue someone [or] try to engage the [perpetrator],” says Lilly. “Respect that someone is an expert in their own situation…don’t interrogate them or tell them to leave or anything like that. You can support someone to access a service. Small acts like that can be a real game changer.”

Halting Disrespect Before it Becomes Violent

Working to bring change from another angle is Dave Kramer, ambassador for Small Steps for Hannah. Dave founded the HALT Program, which teaches high-school students about respectful relationships. He’s on a mission to stop disrespect in its tracks.

“Our prevention programs are about the context around violence,” Dave says.

“[We teach people that] we can actually show up as friends, family members, colleagues or even peers in school. [We can] show up at that point of disrespect, and prevent it from getting to the point of abuse.”

The Power of an Act of Kindness

Stacy Jane is a domestic abuse survivor. She fled her partner in the UK, and was brutally attacked when trying to retrieve personal belongings from her home.

She later established Escabags, an Australian charity that provides free escape bags for abuse victims.

“We know that the most lethal time is when a victim is trying to escape, because the perpetrator knows that they’ve lost all control,” Stacy explains. “[Escabags provides] that practical solution… so that they don’t have to go back into the family home.”

What finally helped Stacy to leave her partner, was the kindness of friends who were willing to listen and support.

“Those people would have been well within their right to say, ‘it’s none of our business’… however [they didn’t]. My story is about the power of a random act of kindness… and the ripple effect that that can then go on to have.”

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or distress, please call 1800 RESPECT, or Lifeline: 13 11 14.

Article supplied with thanks to Helping Hands TV.

About the Author: Helping Hands is an Australian produced TV program that airs on 9GEM, Channel 9 and 9NOW, and showcases people and organisations who make the world a better place.

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Why a 5-minute task can feel impossible

I recently had the privilege of attending a workshop on supporting parents of children with ADHD, run by the fantastic Dr Maddi Derrick MAPS. It brought together many concepts and ideas about supporting children and their families that I have been building knowledge on for a long time, and translated them into clear and practical language. Interestingly, I have found many of these ideas applying well beyond ADHD and parenting contexts.

The concepts of executive functioning having a “capacity” and tasks having both visible and invisible “demands” seem foundational, yet they are incredibly important as we consider our own limitations and the judgements we often make about ourselves and others. These ideas can help us proactively set ourselves—and those around us—up for success, while moving away from simply attributing difficulties to “a lack of effort or ability”.

Capacity

What do I mean by capacity? Let’s start with this idea, no matter how much we might want our concentration, emotion regulation and energy to be limitless, they are not. We are finite beings with finite resources. In this context, capacity refers to our self-regulatory ability to function in prompting motivation, maintaining concentration, problem solving, regulating our emotions, and other executive functioning roles. 

Importantly, capacity is not fixed. It fluctuates from day to day and even hour to hour. Poor sleep, illness, stress, grief, anxiety, sensory overload, parenting demands, relationship difficulties and major life transitions can all reduce the resources we have available.

This is often where people become frustrated with themselves. We compare today’s performance to a day when we had greater resources available and conclude that we are lazy, unmotivated or failing. In reality, we may simply be attempting to meet the same demands with significantly less available capacity.

Supporting Capacity

While we cannot create unlimited capacity, there are many ways we can support and protect the capacity we do have. Some examples include:

• Prioritising adequate sleep and rest.
• Taking regular breaks before reaching exhaustion.
• Building routines that reduce decision fatigue.
• Managing stress through movement, mindfulness or social connection.
• Using reminders, calendars, other people and systems to reduce the amount we need to hold in our minds.
• Recognising when our resources are running low and adjusting expectations accordingly.

Rather than asking, “Why can’t I do this?”, it can sometimes be more helpful to ask, “What is my capacity like right now?”

Task(s) Demand

The demands of a task are perhaps more obvious. They include all the requirements and components that draw upon our capacity. However, this also includes the thinking, emotional responses, associations and other internal processes that accompany a task.

For example, if I were asked to build a table, some of the demands would be reading the manual, gathering the tools and physically assembling the pieces. But there are also less visible demands: remembering where the tools are, estimating how long the task will take, tolerating frustration when something does not fit together and trying not to think about my less-than-stellar track record in woodwork at school!

The same principle applies to everyday tasks. Sending an email may involve deciding what to say, remembering previous conversations, worrying about how it will be received and overcoming the urge to continue your current, more interesting task. The visible task is often only part of the story. In reality, when we start to compare our capacity to the demands that we need to undertake, it is usually to a number, collection or lists of different tasks with different demands across a period of class; afternoon of work or whole day. 

Demand Awareness

A helpful skill we can develop is learning to identify the hidden demands attached to a task.

When people say, “I know it’s only a five-minute job, so why can’t I do it?”, there is often an assumption that the visible task is the entire task. Once we unpack it, we frequently discover multiple additional demands competing for the same limited resources.

For example, booking a medical appointment might involve:

• Stopping your favourite relaxing task
• Finding the phone number
• Calling during business hours
• Managing anxiety about making the call
• Remembering relevant information
• Rearranging work or family commitments

What appears simple from the outside may actually draw upon a range of executive functioning skills. [It makes more sense now why I put off seeing the Dentist!]

Developing awareness of these hidden demands can be surprisingly powerful. It helps explain why some tasks feel disproportionately difficult and can reduce our tendency to understand these as personal failings.

Reducing Demands

If capacity and demands interact, there are generally two ways to improve the likelihood of success: support capacity or reduce demands.

Reducing demands is not “taking the easy way out”-  It can be a more sustainable and effective form of moving towards our goals.

Some general examples of this could look like:

• Breaking large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps.
• Preparing materials ahead of time.
• Using visual reminders, checklists or templates.
• Completing challenging tasks during times of higher energy.
• Delegating or sharing parts of a task where possible.
• Reducing distractions in the environment. 
• Allowing “good enough” rather than striving for perfection.

It’s not just completing one task that can benefit from this type of thinking, but also maintaining capacity for other demands in the day.

Bringing it Together

Many of us have been taught to explain success or failure primarily by effort. Sometimes the solution is not to try harder. Sometimes it is making adjustments that better match the resources we have available.

Whether we are supporting a child, partner, colleague or ourselves, it can be helpful to ask two simple questions:

1. What is the current available capacity?
2. What are the visible and invisible demands of this task?

These questions often lead us away from judgement and towards understanding. More importantly, they help us identify practical changes that can make success more likely.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

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Must we be endlessly available, universally liked, and perpetually busy?

We live in a culture that deeply romanticizes exhaustion. We are taught that to be a “good” person—a good partner, parent, friend, or colleague—we must be endlessly available, universally liked, and perpetually busy.

But there is a radical paradox at the heart of human well-being: the choices that feel the most selfish on the surface are often the most generous things we can do for the world. When we look closely at emotional health and sustainable living, we find that real resilience requires us to embrace a few beautiful, counter-intuitive truths.

Paradox #1. Boundary Drawing is Not Selfish, It is Loving

We often avoid setting boundaries because we fear looking cold or withholding, stretching ourselves thin to keep the peace. However, unsustainable enmeshment in relationships inevitably leads to resentment and eventual rupture. Whether it is navigating a relationship with a domineering parent, a friend who constantly takes without giving, or an entitled grown-up child, feeling that your emotions and thoughts are not respected is a recipe for burnout.

In order to remain genuinely connected to the people in your life, you have to make the dynamic sustainable for yourself. Boundary drawing isn’t a wall to shut people out; it is a clear map that defines where you end and they begin, preserving the relationship by preventing the slow burn of hidden frustration.

It is ultimately far more loving to offer an honest, compassionate “No” that protects the bond than a resentful, exhausted “Yes” that quietly erodes it. Clear boundaries eliminate guesswork, allowing you to show up with genuine presence rather than out of a sense of draining obligation. By protecting your own emotional capacity, you ensure that the time and care you do give are authentic, resilient, and built to last.

Paradox #2. Detaching From Others’ Reactions Empowers You to Care Deeper

It sounds noble to absorb everyone’s emotional weather and care deeply about their immediate opinion of you, but people-pleasing is an act of emotional survival rather than genuine connection. When your primary focus is managing how others perceive you or personalizing their unpredictable moods, your energy is entirely consumed by anxiety and internal performance.

Ironically, refusing to personalize others’ emotions frees you up to care for them with far more depth. When you stop treating people as judges to be impressed or problems to be fixed, you clear out the mental noise and can finally see them as human beings to be heard.

Furthermore, if your self-worth is not tied to their immediate emotional state, you can handle their heavy emotions, disappointments, or conflicts without collapsing, overreacting, or getting defensive. Detaching from their approval isn’t about becoming callous; it is about becoming a steady, anchored presence. You are able to love people for who they are in that moment, precisely because you aren’t waiting for them to validate you or fix your own anxiety.

Paradox #3. Resting is Not Lazy, It is the Ultimate Efficiency

We tend to view rest as a luxury or a reward for hard work, something we are only allowed to do once an impossible to-do list hits zero. However, the human brain and nervous system do not operate on a linear scale, and constant grinding quickly yields diminishing returns that lead to foggy thinking, critical mistakes, and emotional volatility. True rest is not a waste of time; it is incubation. Stepping away from the desk or taking a weekend to completely unplug is the very mechanism that sharpens your focus, sparks creativity, and prevents the catastrophic downtime of full burnout.

When you rest, your brain actively processes information, consolidates memory, and regulates stress hormones. True efficiency isn’t about how many consecutive hours you log; it’s about the quality of energy you bring to those hours. Ultimately, rest is not the absence of productivity, but the essential biological framework that makes sustainable productivity possible in the first place.

Paradox #4. Acknowledging Your Vulnerability Makes You Deeper and Safer

We often hide our struggles or assume that admitting we don’t have it all together makes us look weak, incompetent, or fragile. In reality, relentless perfectionism creates emotional distance and signals to others that flaws are unacceptable, while vulnerability creates genuine safety and connection.

When you drop the exhausting act of having everything figured out and honestly acknowledge your human limits, you break down walls and give the people around you permission to drop their heavy armor too. This shared authenticity transforms relationships from superficial performances into deep, resilient bonds, ultimately making you a much safer, more grounded, and trustworthy presence for your family, friends, or colleagues.

Paradox #5. Lowering Your Immediate Standards Often Raises Your Long-Term Impact

The cultural belief that you must give 110% to every single task, every single day, is a direct recipe for mediocrity and burnout. Giving maximum effort to everything means you are scattering your focus and giving nothing your true genius. Embracing “strategic under-achievement”—deliberately choosing to let low-stakes, non-essential balls drop, such as maintaining an immaculate house or instantly responding to every casual email—is not about failing, but about prioritizing.

By intentionally lowering your standards on things that matter less, you actively preserve the deep psychological and physical energy reserves required to hit a home run on the few high-stakes goals that truly define your long-term legacy and impact.

Conclusion: Let’s Fill the Cup First

Ultimately, every single one of these counter-intuitive shifts points to a singular, unyielding truth: you cannot give what you do not have. We have been conditioned to believe that self-sacrifice is the ultimate measure of love and efficiency, but trying to pour from an empty cup is a biological and emotional impossibility. When we refuse to rest, protect our boundaries, or detach from external validation, we aren’t actually giving more to the world—we are simply offering it the bitter, exhausted residue of our resentment and fatigue.

Looking after yourself first is not a luxury, nor is it a detour from your responsibilities; it is the absolute prerequisite for them. If your goal is to love deeply, care authentically, and make a meaningful, long-term impact on the people around you, then protecting your own mental and physical well-being is the most radical, effective, and loving act of service you can perform.

Article supplied with thanks to The Centre for Effective Living.

About the Author: Jennifer Chu is a psychologist who is passionate about therapy, experienced in a range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression, social adjustment issues, stress management, and cross-cultural issues and more.

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When the mind is pointed inward, on a loop, it can quietly become its own kind of prison.

It usually starts small. A text you read three times before replying. A decision you’ve been weighing for days, coffee or no coffee, take the job or stay, say something or let it go. Reflection is healthy. But somewhere along the way, reflection turns into rumination. And that’s where the trouble starts.

If you’ve ever lain awake at 2am replaying a conversation from three days ago, wondering whether you said the wrong thing, you’re not imagining the toll it takes. Research consistently shows that chronic overthinking is one of the strongest predictors of anxiety and depression. In fact, studies have found that people who ruminate frequently are nearly four times more likely to develop a depressive episode than those who don’t. The mind is powerful. But when it’s pointed inward, on a loop, it can quietly become its own kind of prison.

We all get caught in the loop

Personally, I’ve been there. As a psychologist, mum, and pastor, I know the cost of a mind that won’t stop running. There have been seasons where I’ve replayed a conversation a dozen times trying to figure out if I should have responded differently, or sat in the car after dropping the kids at school mentally rehearsing the day ahead like I was about to sit an exam. Even with all the training, even knowing better, I still get caught in the loop. So if this is you, please know: you’re not broken. Your brain is just doing what brains do when they’re under pressure. And there’s a way out.

The most common signs of overthinking

Indecision

Overthinkers often find it hard to make decisions, paralysed by the fear of making the wrong choice. You weigh the pros, then the cons, then the pros again, and before you know it, the moment has passed. Constant rumination can lead to missed opportunities and a quiet undercurrent of frustration that builds over time.

Anxiety

The endless worrying that comes with overthinking can snowball into chronic anxiety. When your mind is racing through every fear and concern, your body stays in a state of heightened tension, which makes it hard to relax, focus, or feel present.

Stress and physical symptoms

Overthinking doesn’t just live in your head. The mental strain often shows up in your body, headaches, fatigue, jaw tension, restless sleep. Research has found that high ruminators have elevated cortisol levels, the same stress hormone that floods your body during a fight-or-flight response. So if you constantly feel “on edge” without knowing why, your thoughts may be writing cheques your body is paying for.

Emotional exhaustion

Overthinking drains your emotional energy. The mental chatter makes it hard to connect with your feelings or enjoy the things that used to bring you joy. By the end of the day, you’re tired, but you haven’t actually done anything tiring.

Action avoidance

The habit of overanalysing often leads to a fear of taking action. You think, plan, and prepare, but never actually move. This avoidance leaves you feeling stuck, unfulfilled, and increasingly disconnected from the life you want to live.

So why do our brains do this?

Overthinking isn’t a flaw. It’s a habit your brain has learned because, in some way, it’s been trying to protect you. Maybe by analysing every possible outcome, you hoped to avoid pain. Maybe by replaying past conversations, you were trying to make sense of something that didn’t feel safe. The intention is protective. The result, unfortunately, is exhausting.

The good news? Habits can be unlearned. Neuroscience has shown again and again that the brain is remarkably plastic, meaning it can rewire itself with repeated practice. Every time you choose a different response to overthinking, you’re literally building a new neural pathway. Over time, the new pathway becomes stronger than the old one.

How to break the cycle

If you’re caught in the exhausting loop of overthinking, here are some practices, backed by both clinical evidence and lived experience, that genuinely help:

1. Name what’s happening

The moment you say to yourself, “I’m overthinking right now,” you create a tiny gap between you and the thought. That gap matters. Researchers call this “metacognition,” the ability to observe your thinking instead of being trapped inside it. It’s the single most powerful first step.

2. Set a worry window

Give yourself a specific amount of time, say, 15 minutes, to think about a particular problem. When the time is up, gently redirect yourself. This trains your brain that worry doesn’t get unlimited airtime. A study from Penn State found that people who used scheduled “worry time” had significantly lower anxiety levels within four weeks.

3. Challenge the thought

When you find yourself spiralling, ask: Is this actually true? What’s the evidence? Would I say this to someone I love? Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), one of the most researched forms of therapy in the world, is built on this single idea, and the evidence base for it is strong.

4. Move from problem to possibility

Overthinkers fixate on the problem. Try gently shifting the question from “Why is this happening?” to “What’s one small thing I can do today?” It’s a small reframe, but it gets you out of analysis paralysis and into momentum.

5. Reduce the noise

Too much information leads to overload. Be intentional about what you consume, the news, the scrolling, the group chats, the advice from well-meaning people. A 2022 study found that participants who reduced their social media use by just 30 minutes a day showed measurable improvements in anxiety and mood within a week.

6. Talk it out

Sharing your thoughts with someone safe, a friend, a partner, or a therapist, interrupts the loop. Saying things out loud externalises them. You stop being trapped inside them. As I often tell my clients: what stays in our heads grows. What comes out into the light loses its grip.

7. Move your body

Exercise isn’t just good for your physical health. It’s one of the most evidence-based interventions for anxiety and rumination. A 30-minute walk has been shown to reduce cortisol, boost serotonin, and quieten the default mode network, the part of your brain that runs the “worry loop.” You don’t need to train for a marathon. A walk around the block counts.

8. Make peace with imperfection

Most overthinking is fuelled by the fear of getting it wrong. But the truth is, almost no decision is final, and almost every mistake is a teacher. Allow yourself to be a learner. Some of the bravest growth happens when we let go of needing to know everything before we move.

9. Prioritise soul care

I prefer “soul care” to “self-care” because it goes deeper than bubble baths and face masks. It’s the practice of tending to your whole self, your mind, body, and spirit. Rest. Pray. Move. Eat well. Get sunlight. Sit in silence. Be in community. These aren’t extras. They’re foundations.

A gentle reminder

You don’t need to silence your mind to live a peaceful life. You just need to learn to lead it rather than be led by it. Over time, with practice, grace, and a few of these tools, you’ll find the loop loosens its grip. The decisions become easier. The 2am replays grow rarer. And the mental space that used to be filled with “what if” slowly starts filling with “what now.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sabrina Peters.

About the Author: Sabrina is a pastor and a psychologist who is dedicated to helping people experience wholeness and growth. Passionate about building healthy families, she spends her days raising kids, supporting clients, and creating resources that inspire freedom and hope.

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The healing power of music

Doctor of Psychology and Mindset Coach, Dr. Marny Lishman shares about music and its ability to heal a broken heart.

Self-Care Talk

Dr. Marny’s work involves her walking her clients through stress management or dealing with a challenging issue they are going through.

“Self-talk is an important part of that,” she said.

She also helps clients through stress management, by suggesting a combination of exercise, time in nature and listening to music.

“I think we all know what it feels like when we’re either angry or frustrated or had a really bad day and we get in the car and we turn on the radio, put the volume up and really have a good time, belting out great music.”

Relaxation

“A lot of research actually shows that music does have healing qualities about it. Whether people are going through something tough or even if it’s related to pain, a physical pain relief. They say listening to music actually soothes us and calms us.”

Not only does music release stress and stir up emotion when we are singing aloud, but it reaffirms how we feel, because many song lyrics are written from a place of vulnerability.

“Let’s face it, a lot of the most beautiful songs that have ever been written usually come from a place of loneliness and heartbreak. I think when we’re listening to the lyrics it validates how we’re feeling and it actually, it shows us that we’re not the only one that goes through something like that.”

Mirroring

Dr. Marny says there’s beauty in the idea that a songwriter we’ve never met is able to mirror an experience that we’re going through in the present.

“That kind of feeling of support and validation and empathy is actually really calming for us.”

Declaration of Lyrics

Singing or speaking lyrics aloud can have cathartic results.

“It’s almost like the hero’s journey of any story that we’ve read growing up is that people are going to rise past this and get through it, and there’s healing after hope. Pelting out those tunes is us saying, ‘I’ll get through this. I’m stronger than I think I am,’ which is something that we need, to get out of that pit of despair.”

Nostalgia & Heartbreak

Dr. Marny said she often feels nostalgic listening to artists from her youth, recalling many 1980’s artists who found success with breakup songs inspired by heartbreak within the band.

“There were a lot of love songs but there were some hate songs thrown in there as well on their journey with the band.”

The Music of Our Past

Nostalgia covers a myriad of senses.

“It could be a smell, or a kind of a sight, photographs, but a lot of it is about, you know, what you’re listening to.”

Dr. Marny said she encourages her older clients to get out the old albums, CDs and cassette tapes, and to listen to the music from their formative years.

“Music from young adulthood and teenage years will tend to evoke emotions that in the present moment that you felt back then,” she said.

“I say to people all the time, listen to the music you loved from the past and listen to it now, remember who you were then and bring back those parts of yourself that are going to be helpful for you.”

One Artist, One Concrete Message

It is possible to be driven by one artist’s narrative, according to Dr. Marny.

“We probably need to ask lots of Swifties out there, don’t we? She’s someone who documents all the heartbreaks that she’s gone through and writes lyrics from that experience. She just pens it, she writes these poems and they become beautiful songs.”

The frequency in which we listen to artists can give us a more concentrated experience. Dr. Marny argued that this adds to catharsis and helps us process.

“Sometimes there is a confirmation bias. You end up listening to the same stuff. Because there’s so many other artists out there or songs that you’re probably not listening to who might be really helpful for you. So I think some variety is so good,” she added.

“We never know what we’re going to get when we turn the radio on because might hear something that resonates and challenges the way we think.”

Listen More

She encouraged us to listen to more of the music that helps us work through our experience.

“Turn off your other devices and just spend more time in the present moment with yourself. Create that spare time to listen, because it’s so good for your brain, and for processing those emotions.”

Article supplied with thanks to Sonshine.

What does it look like and is it necessarily a bad thing?

I (Bec) was catching up with a friend I hadn’t seen in ages, plenty of texting, but no proper girl catch-up for far too long. We finally managed to align trains and used the commute home to actually talk. And almost immediately, something became obvious: we were both just… hanging in there at work.

As we compared notes on our frustrations, we realised we were tired of always being the ones who picked up the extra work, stayed the extra hours, cared about the timelines, the outcomes, the details. Somewhere along the way, without even noticing, we’d both started pulling back. Not slacking off- just quietly stepping away from the “above and beyond” that had become expected rather than appreciated.

It wasn’t lost on us that our extra effort rarely led to recognition or reward. Meanwhile, others doing far less were being paid more or praised more. So why were we still pushing so hard?

At first, I assumed it was burnout, that familiar desire to do less because you’re running on fumes. But then the term quiet quitting started popping up in my LinkedIn feed and social media ads (proof the devices really are always listening). For once, I was grateful for the algorithm. A quick search turned up article after article describing exactly what we were feeling.

Quiet Quitting

Quiet quitting isn’t about quitting at all. It’s about doing what’s required, and not automatically doing more. It’s setting boundaries for self-preservation. It’s recognising that you don’t have to be everything to everyone, all the time.

I felt relieved. I wasn’t alone. It wasn’t a “me problem.” It was a much wider shift, and one that deserves the attention of business leaders.

Workloads haven’t just increased, they’ve crept up quietly, almost invisibly. Entire project teams have disappeared, but the projects themselves haven’t. They’ve simply been absorbed into what’s now considered the “normal” workload… the same workload that was already overflowing. Companies are downsizing, restructuring, or leaning on offshore teams and half-baked tech solutions. The work still needs doing, but the support, context, or capability isn’t always there. And the expectations? Still sky high.

So who fills the gaps? Usually the people who care the most.

Yes, I’ll take on that extra project. Yes, I’ll do the presentation. Yes, I’ll grab the groceries on the way home. Yes, I’ll help with the fundraiser. The list goes on. We say yes because we don’t want to let the team down, because we want to be seen as capable, because we want to learn quickly and be self-sufficient.

But is that always the best approach?

By saying yes to everything, am I blocking someone else from learning? Am I creating an expectation that I’ll always be the one to step in? Am I making myself the default solution simply because I’ve always been willing?

When you’re constantly asked to do more with less, your willingness to go above and beyond naturally fades. Not because you’re uncommitted, but because you’re exhausted. And that’s where quiet quitting becomes a boundary. A gentle but firm declaration: I’ll show up. I’ll do my job well. But I won’t sacrifice my wellbeing to compensate for structural issues I didn’t create.

It’s not laziness. It’s not disengagement. It’s a recalibration, a recognition that loyalty is a two-way street, and that constantly over-delivering in an under-resourced environment isn’t sustainable for anyone.

Quiet quitting is the moment you choose yourself, your energy, your time, your sanity. And honestly, that’s not quitting. That’s self‑preservation. That’s clarity. That’s quietly, but firmly, drawing the line.

Is it as simple as saying, That’s it, I’m done, I’m choosing me? Not in my experience. Some days I stand strong and don’t automatically say yes. Other days, choosing myself leaves me wrecked with guilt and self‑doubt. And then there are the days where I feel completely at peace with my decision.

What I have found, though, is that the more I practice, whether it’s biting my tongue, saying no, or sitting on an email or text before responding, the easier it becomes to shift the dial and stop slipping back into old habits.

I (Caro) have loved reading what Bec has written. I have to admit I’ve been quietly “quiet quitting” for years now, I just hadn’t called it that. I used to be a great gap filler.

Followers of Jesus are told to: “Look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of the others.” [Philippians 2:4].

For me, sometimes it’s in my best interests to say “no”. And sometimes it’s in the best interests of others that I say “no”. A thoughtful “no” is better than an automatic “yes” when it comes to gap-filling. And that still allows room for a thoughtful “yes” if I am able to go the extra mile.

I don’t get it right all the time. But what helps me to think more clearly is knowing that God has my best interests at heart. He will look after me. I matter to him. And that really helps to take the heat out of gap-filling for validation. Which let’s face it, that’s what a lot of gap filling was actually about for me.

Reflections

1. Have you ever felt that going above and beyond became the expectation rather than the exception? How did that impact your motivation?
2. Have you ever found yourself quietly pulling back at work without realising it? What triggered it for you?
3. How often do you say “yes” to extra tasks out of habit, guilt, or expectation rather than genuine capacity?
4. Do you think quiet quitting is a healthy response, a warning sign, or something else entirely?
5. If you stopped automatically saying yes to everything, what might open up for you and for others?

Article provided with thanks to City Bible Forum.

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